Tackling the fear of the unknown in 3 easy steps

One of the greatest fears, they say, is fear of the unknown. (I don't actually know who "they" are, but I have heard that phrase so many times that I am confident more than one person has said it, thus "they" exist). But I digress. When you are faced with a divorce or legal separation, almost all anxiety comes from the fear of what the future will bring. Will I get to keep my house? Will I have to move? Where will I move to? Can I live on one salary? It all adds up to one large looming fear: can I make it on my own?

I am here to tell you: yes you can. It is easier said than done, but it's also easier to tackle than you may think. Here's why, there's this little thing called the Internet that can help you figure out just about anything in the world that needs figuring. First things first. The biggest concern I have seen in most people is their fear about where they will live if they have to move out of their house. So Step 1: take 5 minutes and look online to see what's available and what you can afford. Step 2: look around your house and determine what it is you would take with you if you needed to. Step 3: grab the bills and find out how much it would cost each month to start your "what if" budget. Do these 3 things and all of the sudden, in just an hour or two, you have a "what if" budget for your "what if" house filled with your "what if" furniture. Now breathe. It may not happen. Things may work out in the end and you may reconcile with your spouse. You may not. Either way, you're going to be ok. It's going to be hard because it's going to be new, but that doesn't mean it will be bad or wrong or terrible. It just means life is taking you someplace you may not have seen coming. But you can plan for it. You can take the fear out of the unknown. You can make your "what if" scenario your back-up plan. You can gather your friends and gather your strength and you can get through this. The question is: can you do this on your own? The answer is: yes, and the power is all yours.

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Co-parenting: great idea and a great big headache

I was talking to a friend the other day about how his post-divorce life is going. He told me that he and his wife are trying their best to co-parent but that every time he does something at his house that is different from the way she does it at hers, she threatens to tell her attorney and take him back to court. 2 things: 1)Just because one of you uses time-outs and the other takes away privileges, the Courts do not want to get involved. You can threaten all you want, and you may even get an attorney who will take your case (read: money) to go to Court, but unless there is abuse or neglect, the Courts are not going to get involved in your daily parenting activities. 2) Co-parenting does not mean you do things the exact same way at both homes. Co-parenting does mean that you are both involved in decision-making for your children, you are both involved in activities for your children, you both go to meetings, conferences, school plays, etc for your children, but your homes do not need to be run the same or even remotely similarly. This is a hard fact to get used to. For people who used to live under the same roof and therefore had many of the same rules and regs when it came to handling the kids, having 2 separate homes where you are each free to make your own decisions can be a great thing, and a difficult transition as well. Should you try to be on the same page about responses to issues/questions/concerns the kids have? Sure- it makes it easier on the kids. Can you force the other person to do what you want them to do? Sadly (and I have tried this myself, so I know of what I speak) no. You can't make the other parent do things your way (no matter how right you think you are).

Co-parenting doesn't mean living in lock-step and many times it doesn't even mean you are great friends. What it does mean is that you try to look at things from your kids' perspective to give them the best home life you can- both at your house and your ex's house. It means you support the other parent's decisions to parent the way they choose (assuming the children are not being harmed). Many times it means biting your tongue. Many times it means calling a friend and venting. Many times it's a reminder (yet again) of why you are not married to that person.


Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.