Going through a divorce can be painful enough but then when it's over, if you have children and the other parent has visitation, you are still faced with having to deal with your ex on issues such as scheduling, payment of children's expenses, etc. The truth is that even when you are divorced, when you have kids, your ex will always be a part of your life.
So what happens when that person is uncommunicative, doesn't tell you about children's' activities, doesn't include you in information from the school, and the list could go on. If you have joint legal custody- which is the normal order by the court if there are no extenuating circumstances, what I counsel my clients to do is to put everything in writing. Send an email to your ex stating:
"Dear X, I was made aware that Johnny has a baseball game next weekend during my visitation. In the future, while I'm happy to have Johnny engage in sports and other activities, if those activities fall on my day, please include me in deciding what activities he should participate in."
If that doesn't help, continue with your pleas to your ex to include you in decision-making until you have asked several times and been ignored. At that time, call an attorney. The first step I make is to send a letter to the other side's attorney asking them to abide by the court order and including my client in decision-making or face further legal action. This usually gets people's attention, and if it doesn't work, I file a Motion for Contempt or a Motion to Modify to assist my client in being allowed the full authority granted to them by the Court to participate in their children's lives.
As always, each situation is different and should be assessed by an attorney, but you are not alone in protecting your rights- both as a custodial parent and a non-custodial parent.
Take care,
Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Sharing an increase/decrease in pay with your ex
While you are going through the transition from being married to being divorced life goes on, including changes in job status. So when do you tell your ex-spouse that you have a new job?
The first thing to keep in mind is that a change in job status can affect the amount you pay or receive in child support (and possibly maintenance/alimony if that is modifiable per your divorce). If you are making more money and you receive support, your child support amount can be reduced; if you are making less money and pay support, your child support amount can also be reduced. (The opposite is also true, i.e. if you make less and receive support you may receive more money and if you make more and pay, you may have to pay more support). In financially difficult times as these, many people are losing their jobs, having hours or pay reduced, and/or making a transition to a totally new field requiring new training and time out of the work force. As I stated on my last blog, it is EXTREMELY important that you do not simply come in an "agreement" with your ex-spouse about child support. In Missouri you must have a court order changing the amount of child support one spouse receives. Failure to get such an order puts you at risk for either giving up the ability to receive such payments in the future or making you liable for thousands of dollars of past due support and interest.
I always encourage people to try to work things out with their ex-spouse and to get along as well as possible for the sake of the children, but when money is involved, you should seek the counsel of an attorney to tell you what your rights are and to tell you what you need to do to protect yourself. Because money issues are a large part of why bad feelings continue to fester between former spouses, keeping these issues as objective and neutral as possible from the outset will save you headaches and heartache in the future.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
The first thing to keep in mind is that a change in job status can affect the amount you pay or receive in child support (and possibly maintenance/alimony if that is modifiable per your divorce). If you are making more money and you receive support, your child support amount can be reduced; if you are making less money and pay support, your child support amount can also be reduced. (The opposite is also true, i.e. if you make less and receive support you may receive more money and if you make more and pay, you may have to pay more support). In financially difficult times as these, many people are losing their jobs, having hours or pay reduced, and/or making a transition to a totally new field requiring new training and time out of the work force. As I stated on my last blog, it is EXTREMELY important that you do not simply come in an "agreement" with your ex-spouse about child support. In Missouri you must have a court order changing the amount of child support one spouse receives. Failure to get such an order puts you at risk for either giving up the ability to receive such payments in the future or making you liable for thousands of dollars of past due support and interest.
I always encourage people to try to work things out with their ex-spouse and to get along as well as possible for the sake of the children, but when money is involved, you should seek the counsel of an attorney to tell you what your rights are and to tell you what you need to do to protect yourself. Because money issues are a large part of why bad feelings continue to fester between former spouses, keeping these issues as objective and neutral as possible from the outset will save you headaches and heartache in the future.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Can you be friends with your ex?
I was watching a tv show the other day and 2 of the characters were a divorced couple who were good enough friends to discuss their respective boyfriend/girlfriend issues with each other. And all I could think was: could this happen in real life?
When my good friend first got separated, her soon-to-be-ex told her that he hoped if they got divorced that they could be best friends even though they weren't married. She asked me if I thought that was possible, I told her that I didn't think that was going to happen, but that I hoped they could at least be friends. And while there are many times that they get along really well, that is inevitably followed by one of them doing something to push the other person's buttons and they retreat to barely speaking. The barely-speaking time doesn't last for long, but it does remind them that while you can't undo the past, and while they can forgive things that have happened, they can't forget them.
So while I think at some point, years and years down the road, maybe when you are both involved with other people, it is possible to be friends with your ex, I think it's unrealistic to think that right after divorce, or even a few years after it's over, that you can be friends. But I think that being able to be friends with your ex is not the crucial question, the important question to ask is whether you are being a good co-parent. Are you able to communicate about the children, to let each other know if there are things going on in your lives that will affect the children, and are you careful not to disparage the other parent in front of the kids? These are the issues that are most important.
So the real answer is that as long as you are good co-parents, as long as you don't put the kids in the middle, and as long as you can hold your head high for doing the best that you can today, you are on the right road and you can pat yourself on the back for that.
Take care,
Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
When my good friend first got separated, her soon-to-be-ex told her that he hoped if they got divorced that they could be best friends even though they weren't married. She asked me if I thought that was possible, I told her that I didn't think that was going to happen, but that I hoped they could at least be friends. And while there are many times that they get along really well, that is inevitably followed by one of them doing something to push the other person's buttons and they retreat to barely speaking. The barely-speaking time doesn't last for long, but it does remind them that while you can't undo the past, and while they can forgive things that have happened, they can't forget them.
So while I think at some point, years and years down the road, maybe when you are both involved with other people, it is possible to be friends with your ex, I think it's unrealistic to think that right after divorce, or even a few years after it's over, that you can be friends. But I think that being able to be friends with your ex is not the crucial question, the important question to ask is whether you are being a good co-parent. Are you able to communicate about the children, to let each other know if there are things going on in your lives that will affect the children, and are you careful not to disparage the other parent in front of the kids? These are the issues that are most important.
So the real answer is that as long as you are good co-parents, as long as you don't put the kids in the middle, and as long as you can hold your head high for doing the best that you can today, you are on the right road and you can pat yourself on the back for that.
Take care,
Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
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