"Goodbye to you. Goodbye to everything that I knew." I was listening to that song by Michelle Branch and it hit home for me. It can be really hard being a single parent, sharing custody of your children with an ex - a person you no longer know as you used to. A person you may no longer be friends with. A person whom you may not recognize at all as the person you once knew and fell in love with.
Getting over lost love is difficult; getting over lost love when you still have to have contact with the person can be like re-opening a wound over and over and over again. Just when you think you are healed, you have to see them again, engage with them again, argue again, be reminded of your past hurt again.
Or do you? When I was listening to that song, I finally heard, really heard, the line "Goodbye to everything that I knew." Because that's what happens when we break-up with someone we loved- we say goodbye to what we knew. We say goodbye to what we believed was true, but is no longer. We say goodbye to the reality that was but doesn't exist anymore.
For me, finally appreciating that all that I had, all that I lived when I was married and all that I loved when I first fell in love, was no longer true was a relief. Everything that I believed, everything I felt, all of the assumptions I made about what my life was- who loved me and how he loved me and why he loved me and why we were married and why we laughed together and supported each other- all of those wonderful things that I thought were my life, no longer exist. It's all in the past. He is no longer that person to me and I am not to him. I can let that go. I can say goodbye to that reality and embrace what exists today. I can release what I felt and believed and loved and hated and appreciated and missed and I can trade it all for the fullness of my life today; a life where he is on the periphery only. My life is of my own doing now. My life is for me and about me to live and love and dance and scream and cry and sing. And I can let go of the past because it is no longer. But I still am.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
You can fall
You can fall
There are times when we fall from our goals: we overeat when we're supposed to be watching our calories, we miss a day or two of our exercise program, we lose our temper when we are working on practicing patience, we see an old boyfriend/girlfriend and are reminded of the hurt feelings from a break-up long ago. It's easy to berate ourselves for slipping, for not remaining steadfast in our goals, for not doing all we could do that day- and yet, I think the recovery after a fall is the most important lesson we can learn in life.
It's not the perfection in our pursuits that makes us who we are today, it's who we are after we fail. It's whether we can pick ourselves up again, whether one fall has us giving up, whether one mistake throws us off track completely. It's the forgiveness that helps us get back on our feet. Forgiving ourselves for not being perfect and loving ourselves, not despite of, but because of our faults, is an achievement worth celebrating. It's when we relish who we are in our entirety that we can truly succeed.
There are days when you feel like you can barely get out of bed. There are days when you can't seem to say anything right. There are days when your pants are too tight and your hair is a mess and you don't have a enough make-up in your bag to cover up all of your flaws and you just want to throw in the towel and crawl back in bed and call in "fat" to work. It's ok. Look in the mirror. See if you can smile. See if your hair looks so bad it's funny. See if your pants are so tight one laugh will pop that button right off. See you- all of you- and realize that you can start again. right. now. See if you can laugh with yourself and at yourself and at the world and what's it's given you at this moment. Take a breath. Change your pants. Take a step. And start again. It's the picking ourselves up that defines who we are. Define yourself today.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
There are times when we fall from our goals: we overeat when we're supposed to be watching our calories, we miss a day or two of our exercise program, we lose our temper when we are working on practicing patience, we see an old boyfriend/girlfriend and are reminded of the hurt feelings from a break-up long ago. It's easy to berate ourselves for slipping, for not remaining steadfast in our goals, for not doing all we could do that day- and yet, I think the recovery after a fall is the most important lesson we can learn in life.
It's not the perfection in our pursuits that makes us who we are today, it's who we are after we fail. It's whether we can pick ourselves up again, whether one fall has us giving up, whether one mistake throws us off track completely. It's the forgiveness that helps us get back on our feet. Forgiving ourselves for not being perfect and loving ourselves, not despite of, but because of our faults, is an achievement worth celebrating. It's when we relish who we are in our entirety that we can truly succeed.
There are days when you feel like you can barely get out of bed. There are days when you can't seem to say anything right. There are days when your pants are too tight and your hair is a mess and you don't have a enough make-up in your bag to cover up all of your flaws and you just want to throw in the towel and crawl back in bed and call in "fat" to work. It's ok. Look in the mirror. See if you can smile. See if your hair looks so bad it's funny. See if your pants are so tight one laugh will pop that button right off. See you- all of you- and realize that you can start again. right. now. See if you can laugh with yourself and at yourself and at the world and what's it's given you at this moment. Take a breath. Change your pants. Take a step. And start again. It's the picking ourselves up that defines who we are. Define yourself today.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Peace in the Kingdom
People often ask me for tips on how they can get along better with their ex-spouse so that all parties, the parents and the children, can make an easier transition to a new way of doing things after the separation or divorce. Here's one of my most frequently offered suggestions: respect your ex-spouse's time with the kids and without them. Realize that, just as you make plans (both with and without the children), your ex probably does too. Throwing a constant wrench into those plans leads (in my experience) to instability and resentment.
Respect for the other parent's time shows that you appreciate both the time that parent has with the children as well as the time they do not. As a single parent, I think it is imperative that you set aside time for yourself. Being a single parent, on your own to raise your children, is rewarding and exhausting. You need time to recharge your batteries. You need time to adjust to single life both as a single parent and as a single person. Allowing yourself time away from the children to explore how to be on your own, how to make the most of your life after your divorce, how to adjust emotionally to this new chapter in your life, will also allow you to be the best parent you can be.
I'm not saying you should not be flexible in your custody to accommodate work schedules or special events, but I am saying that you should not impose time with or without the children on your ex-spouse without a good reason. Good boundaries, reinforced by all parties, lead to stability for everyone including the children; it also allows you and your ex to develop your lives separate and apart from each other respectfully. Crossing boundaries, not being considerate of the other person's time can lead to resentment and hostility that benefit no one.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Respect for the other parent's time shows that you appreciate both the time that parent has with the children as well as the time they do not. As a single parent, I think it is imperative that you set aside time for yourself. Being a single parent, on your own to raise your children, is rewarding and exhausting. You need time to recharge your batteries. You need time to adjust to single life both as a single parent and as a single person. Allowing yourself time away from the children to explore how to be on your own, how to make the most of your life after your divorce, how to adjust emotionally to this new chapter in your life, will also allow you to be the best parent you can be.
I'm not saying you should not be flexible in your custody to accommodate work schedules or special events, but I am saying that you should not impose time with or without the children on your ex-spouse without a good reason. Good boundaries, reinforced by all parties, lead to stability for everyone including the children; it also allows you and your ex to develop your lives separate and apart from each other respectfully. Crossing boundaries, not being considerate of the other person's time can lead to resentment and hostility that benefit no one.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
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