Put on a happy face? What was Kate Gosselin thinking

So I was watching Jon and Kate Plus 8 the other night and I was struck by something Kate said. She said that even though they were divorcing she would always be there to celebrate holidays with her kids. She said even if she had to put a smile on her face and tamp down her anger at Jon, she would do it so that she could be there with the kids. Here's my problem with that: kids aren't stupid.

One look at how she and Jon were acting at the end of the episode at the Mother's Day brunch made all of this extremely clear. Was anybody fooled into thinking she and Jon were fine? Did anyone believe that they were both happy and care-free? Is anyone blind enough not to see the anger/hurt/sadness/frustration that both of them exuded throughout the meal?

Why do I say this, you ask? Why do I care what happens to Jon and Kate plus 8? The truth is, it's not the Gosselin family I care about, it's what everyone thinks they can do "for the kids' sake". I had a friend who argued with her ex-husband about whether he could bring his then-girlfriend to their daughter's birthday party. She faced the same dilemma all divorced parents face: do you have this person (who many times played a huge part in your divorce) attend a family function, put on a happy face and make like everything is ok or do you decide that it's just too much for you to take on and have a separate party for your child? It's one of the most difficult decisions you face as a divorced co-parent. She and I talked for a long time and she finally decided that even though her face would say "happy with a grimace", her body language would make it all too clear how uncomfortable she felt and it would ruin her daughter's party. She decided her daughter having to have 2 birthday parties was preferable to having both mom and dad at the party hating each other.

While I advocate that adults behave like adults most of the time, and while I give my clients the difficult truth of "grow up and don't make a fuss about 'he's 5 minutes late/ she doesn't pack nice clothes/ he doesn't feed her vegetables five times a day/ she's snotty when she talks to me on the phone', there are some occasions where I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself and ask: are you going to ruin the party with your attitude despite your best intentions to put on a happy face? If so, have separate parties. Tell the kids you have to work at that time and that you'll do your own celebration. In time it will get easier and you won't care who s/he brings to the party because you'll just be glad you're no longer married to that person. In time you'll be grateful you got to start a new chapter of your life and you'll have a real smile on your face from genuine happiness; not a fake smile hiding your anger and tears. And by the way, since when is it terrible for a kid to have 2 birthday parties!!??


Take care, Allison

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Good article on getting back into the dating game

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vicki-iovine/socializing-as-a-single-l_b_214686.html

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Who do you talk to?

One of things that is nice about being in a couple is that you have someone to talk to; someone to bounce ideas off of; someone to help when you are at your wit's end with your children. Yes it's true, my kids are not always angels. For the past 2 days, when I go to pick my eight year-old up from camp, her face goes from one of pure joy out on the field, to a scowl as she walks over to me. Why is this, you ask? What have I done to deserve such treatment? Last night my transgression was suggesting before camp started that (heaven forbid) we were going to need to stop by McDonald's for dinner since that was going to be a late day for us. "Fine" she spat out at me, as if I had asked her to pick every weed within a 2 mile radius. Oh what is a mother to do?

If I were married, I would call my husband and tell him how our daughter was acting, ask him if he had some advice, and ask him if he could take over the parenting for an hour, so that I could go and take a break from my eight year-old's tantrum-du-jour. Because I am a single parent, I don't have that luxury. I don't have someone to call to bemoan the tribulations of trying to raise 2 healthy, strong, happy and well-adjusted girls in today's society. I don't have the ability to call and cry about the latest "I hate you, Mom" screamed at me after I ask them to pick up their rooms. I don't have anyone to share those moments of joy when my eight year-old (fresh out of her post-McDonald's slump) looked at me and said "You know, you're a pretty good mom." There's no one there to share... or is there?

When I was going through my divorce, I called my friends frequently and for many different reasons. I had one friend who represented my anger, one who represented my relief at not living in a tension-filled house, one who worried with me about how I was going to handle my finances on my own, one who helped me look down the road at the happiness that (surely, hopefully) waited for me after the divorce. Those same friends are the ones I call on when I have a difficult day with my daughters; they are the same friends I call when I want to crow about my ability to actually make a healthy meal that my kids will eat; they are the ones I call when I wonder if the dating pool could really have gotten so much smaller since my college days. In short, because my family is scattered throughout the U.S., I've made my own family and support system out of my friends. I've adopted my friends as my pseudo-brothers and sisters, aunt and uncles. I've made these people a part of my life so that they are more than my friends and I'm grateful each day to have them.

It's sometimes sad to realize that you have no one at home to help you when you need a hand, but what I suggest is that you take a breath and open your eyes - you'll see that, while they may not live with you in your house, your support system is bigger than you think.

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.