Put on a happy face? What was Kate Gosselin thinking

So I was watching Jon and Kate Plus 8 the other night and I was struck by something Kate said. She said that even though they were divorcing she would always be there to celebrate holidays with her kids. She said even if she had to put a smile on her face and tamp down her anger at Jon, she would do it so that she could be there with the kids. Here's my problem with that: kids aren't stupid.

One look at how she and Jon were acting at the end of the episode at the Mother's Day brunch made all of this extremely clear. Was anybody fooled into thinking she and Jon were fine? Did anyone believe that they were both happy and care-free? Is anyone blind enough not to see the anger/hurt/sadness/frustration that both of them exuded throughout the meal?

Why do I say this, you ask? Why do I care what happens to Jon and Kate plus 8? The truth is, it's not the Gosselin family I care about, it's what everyone thinks they can do "for the kids' sake". I had a friend who argued with her ex-husband about whether he could bring his then-girlfriend to their daughter's birthday party. She faced the same dilemma all divorced parents face: do you have this person (who many times played a huge part in your divorce) attend a family function, put on a happy face and make like everything is ok or do you decide that it's just too much for you to take on and have a separate party for your child? It's one of the most difficult decisions you face as a divorced co-parent. She and I talked for a long time and she finally decided that even though her face would say "happy with a grimace", her body language would make it all too clear how uncomfortable she felt and it would ruin her daughter's party. She decided her daughter having to have 2 birthday parties was preferable to having both mom and dad at the party hating each other.

While I advocate that adults behave like adults most of the time, and while I give my clients the difficult truth of "grow up and don't make a fuss about 'he's 5 minutes late/ she doesn't pack nice clothes/ he doesn't feed her vegetables five times a day/ she's snotty when she talks to me on the phone', there are some occasions where I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself and ask: are you going to ruin the party with your attitude despite your best intentions to put on a happy face? If so, have separate parties. Tell the kids you have to work at that time and that you'll do your own celebration. In time it will get easier and you won't care who s/he brings to the party because you'll just be glad you're no longer married to that person. In time you'll be grateful you got to start a new chapter of your life and you'll have a real smile on your face from genuine happiness; not a fake smile hiding your anger and tears. And by the way, since when is it terrible for a kid to have 2 birthday parties!!??


Take care, Allison

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