I was listening to a Don Henley song the other day. "I was either standing in your shadow, or blocking your light." he sang. It got me thinking about my marriage. It got me thinking about how, when I was in a marriage that wasn't working, all I felt was that everywhere I went, I was in the wrong place. Everything I did and everywhere I turned felt unnatural, dishonest, wrong. It got me thinking that, while getting divorced was one of the hardest decisions I ever made, it was also one of the most honest.
Last week was my 5 year divorce-iversary. 5 years ago it was official. I was divorced. I was devastated, but I was also free. I was free to make decisions as I saw fit. I was free to be on my own and, as scary as that was, it was also liberating; made me feel giddy, made me feel lighter, made me feel open and honest and true. Getting divorced allowed me to be on my own and stand on my own two feet and live life on my terms.
Deciding to get divorced is not easy, but sometimes it is the right decision. Sometimes ending your marriage lets you decide to choose yourself and your own life and your own possibilities. Sometimes getting divorced gives you freedom you didn't know you had, didn't know you were missing, didn't know existed. Sometimes getting divorced, as hard as it is to get through and get over, allows you shine. And because I didn't want to stand in anyone's shadows, and because I didn't want to block anyone's light, and because I wanted the sun to shine upon me and because I wanted to get out from the darkness, I made a decision. A decision to move on, a decision to try again, a decision to accept the failure of my marriage, a decision to accept the decisions I made in the past but not be bound by them, a decision to choose myself and my future.
Getting divorced wasn't easy. It changed the course of my life and the lives of my children. But sometimes veering off course is exactly what we need to get our strength back. Sometimes veering off course means finding our way back to ourselves and our spirit. Sometimes veering off course puts us exactly where we need to be. Sometimes veering off course allows us to see clearly, to see what we couldn't see while we were in someone else's shadow. Sometimes veering off course is the scariest decision we'll ever make, and the best.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Deciding to divorce
For someone contemplating divorce, there comes a time when you have to decide when the right time is to pull the trigger and ask for a divorce. In most cases that decision does not come easily. We want to give our spouses the benefit of the doubt. We want to reassure ourselves that we are not making a mistake that we can't undo, we want to be sure, to the very best we can, that we are making the right decision.
So when is enough, enough? When is it time to say "when" and make that time now and tell your spouse you want out of the marriage? Usually a conversation is had, some amount of time passes, and then... you try again. You try therapy and you try to be nicer and you try to be more considerate and affectionate and appreciative. You try and your spouse tries and no matter how long you try- a day or a month or ten years- usually, if you had reached your breaking point, the marriage will break. There is the rare occasion when marriage counseling works, when time spent apart brings a couple together, but I would be lying if I told you that was the norm. I would be lying if I told you that once that initial decision to leave is made that can be undone. I would be lying if I gave you hope that once one partner has left the marriage that the marriage can be repaired.
But I will say that it is worth trying to repair. And I will say that therapy is worth it and a trial separation is worth it, and trying the best you can to repair the damage is worth it. It may not work in the end and you may still wind up getting divorced, but you will have tried. And there is something to be said for that. There is something to be said for taking a vow to love someone until death parts you and promising to love someone through thick and thin and meaning it and believing it and loving someone so much you want to spend your life with them. And that promise and that vow and that love deserves you trying to make it work.
And you deserve to know that you gave it all you could, even if it didn't work. You deserve to know that you tried your best to help the other person understand your side, and understand your pain, and understand your decision. And they can believe it or not. And they can blame you or blame themselves or blame their family or their job. They can blame whomever and whatever they need to blame for their sadness at a marriage that is broken. But in the end, a broken marriage should be ended. A marriage no longer based on true love and respect and honesty is not holy matrimony. A marriage no longer looked to for comfort and guidance and stability, a marriage no longer a place of safety, a marriage no longer the platform for your dreams to take flight and your groundedness to take hold, is not a marriage at all.
And we all deserve to be loved. We all deserve the chance to find the person we want to see at the end of each and every day. It will not be easy all of the time, but it will be true. We all deserve to have someone who sees the best in us, who believes in us, who is our partner in love and in life. Marriage is not perfect, life is not either, but we should all understand that a marriage failed is not a failure of our life. It is not a failure of our soul and our being to call an end to a relationship that drains us more than fulfills us. And maybe, in calling an end to a marriage that is not working, we can save ourselves, and our spouses from further pain. And maybe, in deciding that the marriage is over, we are offering ourselves and our spouses the opportunity to find the love we all want. And maybe, in asking for a divorce, we are setting ourselves and our spouses free.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
So when is enough, enough? When is it time to say "when" and make that time now and tell your spouse you want out of the marriage? Usually a conversation is had, some amount of time passes, and then... you try again. You try therapy and you try to be nicer and you try to be more considerate and affectionate and appreciative. You try and your spouse tries and no matter how long you try- a day or a month or ten years- usually, if you had reached your breaking point, the marriage will break. There is the rare occasion when marriage counseling works, when time spent apart brings a couple together, but I would be lying if I told you that was the norm. I would be lying if I told you that once that initial decision to leave is made that can be undone. I would be lying if I gave you hope that once one partner has left the marriage that the marriage can be repaired.
But I will say that it is worth trying to repair. And I will say that therapy is worth it and a trial separation is worth it, and trying the best you can to repair the damage is worth it. It may not work in the end and you may still wind up getting divorced, but you will have tried. And there is something to be said for that. There is something to be said for taking a vow to love someone until death parts you and promising to love someone through thick and thin and meaning it and believing it and loving someone so much you want to spend your life with them. And that promise and that vow and that love deserves you trying to make it work.
And you deserve to know that you gave it all you could, even if it didn't work. You deserve to know that you tried your best to help the other person understand your side, and understand your pain, and understand your decision. And they can believe it or not. And they can blame you or blame themselves or blame their family or their job. They can blame whomever and whatever they need to blame for their sadness at a marriage that is broken. But in the end, a broken marriage should be ended. A marriage no longer based on true love and respect and honesty is not holy matrimony. A marriage no longer looked to for comfort and guidance and stability, a marriage no longer a place of safety, a marriage no longer the platform for your dreams to take flight and your groundedness to take hold, is not a marriage at all.
And we all deserve to be loved. We all deserve the chance to find the person we want to see at the end of each and every day. It will not be easy all of the time, but it will be true. We all deserve to have someone who sees the best in us, who believes in us, who is our partner in love and in life. Marriage is not perfect, life is not either, but we should all understand that a marriage failed is not a failure of our life. It is not a failure of our soul and our being to call an end to a relationship that drains us more than fulfills us. And maybe, in calling an end to a marriage that is not working, we can save ourselves, and our spouses from further pain. And maybe, in deciding that the marriage is over, we are offering ourselves and our spouses the opportunity to find the love we all want. And maybe, in asking for a divorce, we are setting ourselves and our spouses free.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Relief
I like being a divorce attorney. I really do. Every day I get to help people through a really challenging part of their lives. Every day I get to see people who seem to be hobbled by what life is bringing them and I get to help them back onto their feet. I get to take people who have had enough, who can't take it anymore, who will no longer settle for mediocrity or less than mediocrity in their relationships, take their lives in their hands and step out of their comfort zone and get ready to face the world again.
It can be a relief to acknowledge that the relationship is over. It can be a relief to tell the other person that it's time to move on, it's time to call the game, it's time to divorce. It's a feeling of freedom, it's a weight lifted off your shoulders, it's an acceptance of what is. And yet, with that relief, that sense of giddiness and hope for the future, is also a sense of sadness.
It's one of the paradoxes of my job that getting divorced is both happy and sad- usually equally. It's a wonderful feeling to have a sense of a new lease on life when you feel that you have been brought down by a relationship that was supposed to lift you up. But there's that sense of angst that a love once had, once held with such promise, once cherished so much that you took a vow before God, once felt with conviction and compassion, once held with both hands tightly, arms wrapped around each other, hoping that embrace would never end- all of that is gone. That sense of wanting no one else but the person who stood before you, that sense of knowing that someone understood you, saw you for who you are and loved you because of and in spite of all of of it- all of those feelings have left. There's sadness there.
And it's ok to admit that. It's ok both to feel that sense of wonder at what the future will bring, to open your breath and exhale, to become light-headed at all of the possibilities that freedom brings. It's also ok to admit that the loss of this relationship, the loss of this marriage, the loss of the hope you once held for that person is painful, physically even, in your chest and in your soul. It's ok to feel all of these things, and none of them. All together or one at a time. It's all ok. Because it's all true and it's all yours and it's your life. To take it today and strive for tomorrow. To make due with what you have and to make it better the next day.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
It can be a relief to acknowledge that the relationship is over. It can be a relief to tell the other person that it's time to move on, it's time to call the game, it's time to divorce. It's a feeling of freedom, it's a weight lifted off your shoulders, it's an acceptance of what is. And yet, with that relief, that sense of giddiness and hope for the future, is also a sense of sadness.
It's one of the paradoxes of my job that getting divorced is both happy and sad- usually equally. It's a wonderful feeling to have a sense of a new lease on life when you feel that you have been brought down by a relationship that was supposed to lift you up. But there's that sense of angst that a love once had, once held with such promise, once cherished so much that you took a vow before God, once felt with conviction and compassion, once held with both hands tightly, arms wrapped around each other, hoping that embrace would never end- all of that is gone. That sense of wanting no one else but the person who stood before you, that sense of knowing that someone understood you, saw you for who you are and loved you because of and in spite of all of of it- all of those feelings have left. There's sadness there.
And it's ok to admit that. It's ok both to feel that sense of wonder at what the future will bring, to open your breath and exhale, to become light-headed at all of the possibilities that freedom brings. It's also ok to admit that the loss of this relationship, the loss of this marriage, the loss of the hope you once held for that person is painful, physically even, in your chest and in your soul. It's ok to feel all of these things, and none of them. All together or one at a time. It's all ok. Because it's all true and it's all yours and it's your life. To take it today and strive for tomorrow. To make due with what you have and to make it better the next day.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Stuck
I'm stuck. It's not that things are bad, they're not. I'm just stuck. And it's not just me. Talking to friends, it seems we're all at a loss as to how to get out of this sticky situation. We're stuck in the mud, we're mired in the past. We can't move forward, we can't let go, we can't get on with our lives. It feels unnatural. It feels like we're giving up, like the dreams we want to achieve are never going to happen. And yet, maybe this is all just part of the process.
Maybe we have to accept where we are and be ok with that. Maybe we need to look at ourselves and look at our lives and decide that wherever we are now is just fine. That's not to say we should be complacent and that's not to say we should accept mediocrity and that's not to say we should give up on our dreams. But wishing things were different- wishing we had a different job or had a different relationship or had children or had a new house- doesn't mean that where we are now should make us unhappy. Somehow we think that we are not ok- that we are too fat or too flaky or too loud- and that if we change those things, happiness will come. But happiness may come or not no matter what we look like or act like. Happiness may come when we least expect it.
So maybe the thing to do is to be ok with being stuck. To love ourselves even if we are not perfect. To be ok in our own skin even if we wish that skin were 5 or 50 lbs lighter. To appreciate our flakiness and indecision for what it is, for what it makes us, for how it defines us and separates us from others. To laugh at our silly, sometimes obnoxious, behavior, to embrace how it allows us to live in the present and be fully present. To understand that as stuck as we are the world continues to move forward and we with it.
We may feel stuck and we may feel uncomfortable and we may wish things were different and that we were different and that the situation was different. But acceptance that we are stuck means acknowledging our starting point, means telling ourselves that if we are ok with where we are - even if it is not where we want to be- we are at the beginning. We can stay stuck for a while, we can wallow and we can cover ourselves with our despair and we can sink all the way in to the top of our heads. And then, when the time is right, we will have had enough. And we will wash ourselves off, and we will look at who we are and where we are, and we will embrace it and we will move.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Maybe we have to accept where we are and be ok with that. Maybe we need to look at ourselves and look at our lives and decide that wherever we are now is just fine. That's not to say we should be complacent and that's not to say we should accept mediocrity and that's not to say we should give up on our dreams. But wishing things were different- wishing we had a different job or had a different relationship or had children or had a new house- doesn't mean that where we are now should make us unhappy. Somehow we think that we are not ok- that we are too fat or too flaky or too loud- and that if we change those things, happiness will come. But happiness may come or not no matter what we look like or act like. Happiness may come when we least expect it.
So maybe the thing to do is to be ok with being stuck. To love ourselves even if we are not perfect. To be ok in our own skin even if we wish that skin were 5 or 50 lbs lighter. To appreciate our flakiness and indecision for what it is, for what it makes us, for how it defines us and separates us from others. To laugh at our silly, sometimes obnoxious, behavior, to embrace how it allows us to live in the present and be fully present. To understand that as stuck as we are the world continues to move forward and we with it.
We may feel stuck and we may feel uncomfortable and we may wish things were different and that we were different and that the situation was different. But acceptance that we are stuck means acknowledging our starting point, means telling ourselves that if we are ok with where we are - even if it is not where we want to be- we are at the beginning. We can stay stuck for a while, we can wallow and we can cover ourselves with our despair and we can sink all the way in to the top of our heads. And then, when the time is right, we will have had enough. And we will wash ourselves off, and we will look at who we are and where we are, and we will embrace it and we will move.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
I wish you well
Regina Brett in her book "God Never Blinks" says "If you have resentment you want to be free of, pray for the person you resent and you will be free." Seems counter-intuitive and yet, it's true. When we ask for only good things to come to those we dislike or feel ill-will towards, we are set free. It's when we keep feeling those negative feelings that we remain tethered to the other person. Resentment is like a boomerang, the feelings you send out to the other person are re-sent back to you. Directly.
Wishing well for someone who has wronged you or hurt you or left you is not easy but the results are amazing. There are times when I have to close my eyes and breathe and hope for the ability to just get through the moment without breaking down; it's those times when wishing the other person well seems too monumental a task to even begin. And yet, even if I don't feel it in that moment, I will say to myself "I wish him well." Just those 4 simple words "I wish him well."
There is a voice inside that seems to rebel against that- that doesn't want to let go of the anger, that doesn't want to be kind or gentle. That voice is a voice of protection. That voice represents a part of me that wants to ensure that I don't get hurt again and that wants to put up defenses and that wants to fight and remain hard and steadfast. The irony is that the best defense against that sadness and anger is peace, not more anger.
Wishing someone else well frees your connection to that person. You wish them well so that they can leave your heart and your soul and go on their own path without you needing to follow. You wish them well so that you can take all of the energy you are spending on that person and use it instead to push yourself forward. You wish them well so that you can concentrate on your own life and your own dreams and you are no longer concerned or consumed by what's going on in someone else's life. You wish them well so that you can release them and release yourself and charge out into your future on your terms. You wish them well and you are free.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Wishing well for someone who has wronged you or hurt you or left you is not easy but the results are amazing. There are times when I have to close my eyes and breathe and hope for the ability to just get through the moment without breaking down; it's those times when wishing the other person well seems too monumental a task to even begin. And yet, even if I don't feel it in that moment, I will say to myself "I wish him well." Just those 4 simple words "I wish him well."
There is a voice inside that seems to rebel against that- that doesn't want to let go of the anger, that doesn't want to be kind or gentle. That voice is a voice of protection. That voice represents a part of me that wants to ensure that I don't get hurt again and that wants to put up defenses and that wants to fight and remain hard and steadfast. The irony is that the best defense against that sadness and anger is peace, not more anger.
Wishing someone else well frees your connection to that person. You wish them well so that they can leave your heart and your soul and go on their own path without you needing to follow. You wish them well so that you can take all of the energy you are spending on that person and use it instead to push yourself forward. You wish them well so that you can concentrate on your own life and your own dreams and you are no longer concerned or consumed by what's going on in someone else's life. You wish them well so that you can release them and release yourself and charge out into your future on your terms. You wish them well and you are free.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Time for me to fly
I've decided today to try to let go of the past- to let go of resentment, to let go of trying to right past wrongs. It's hard to do but staying mired in the past gets us nowhere but stuck. Even though some things will never change and some things will never be made right and some hurt just can't be repaired, even though all of this may be true, it doesn't do us any good to fixate on it.
Thinking about our past has us constantly looking backward at what was and where we were. Looking at the past doesn't allow us to look at what is happening now and what we want to happen in the future. One of the best ways to get over past wrongs is to look to the future to see how we want our lives to look and then look in our present to see how we can get there from here. The pain of the past is lifted when we turn our eyes upward and outward and forward. The hurt that we feel in our heart and our soul is warmed by the feelings of what is yet to come, all the good we have waiting for us, all that we can see down the road.
Acknowledging the past for what it was, for bringing us to this place, for making us who we are, allows us to see ourselves firmly planted in the present, at what is, at what our lives have become. When we look to the future at what's possible, when we look to our present and see the opportunities we have, we are filled with hope and not dread, we are filled with contentment and not anger, we are filled with life and love and joy and not pain. We should let go of the past, as best we can today, by filling our hearts with the possibility that the future holds. We should shout from the rooftops that today we will fly, today we will soar, today we will take a look and take a leap and take a hold of our own peace.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Thinking about our past has us constantly looking backward at what was and where we were. Looking at the past doesn't allow us to look at what is happening now and what we want to happen in the future. One of the best ways to get over past wrongs is to look to the future to see how we want our lives to look and then look in our present to see how we can get there from here. The pain of the past is lifted when we turn our eyes upward and outward and forward. The hurt that we feel in our heart and our soul is warmed by the feelings of what is yet to come, all the good we have waiting for us, all that we can see down the road.
Acknowledging the past for what it was, for bringing us to this place, for making us who we are, allows us to see ourselves firmly planted in the present, at what is, at what our lives have become. When we look to the future at what's possible, when we look to our present and see the opportunities we have, we are filled with hope and not dread, we are filled with contentment and not anger, we are filled with life and love and joy and not pain. We should let go of the past, as best we can today, by filling our hearts with the possibility that the future holds. We should shout from the rooftops that today we will fly, today we will soar, today we will take a look and take a leap and take a hold of our own peace.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Goodbye to you
"Goodbye to you. Goodbye to everything that I knew." I was listening to that song by Michelle Branch and it hit home for me. It can be really hard being a single parent, sharing custody of your children with an ex - a person you no longer know as you used to. A person you may no longer be friends with. A person whom you may not recognize at all as the person you once knew and fell in love with.
Getting over lost love is difficult; getting over lost love when you still have to have contact with the person can be like re-opening a wound over and over and over again. Just when you think you are healed, you have to see them again, engage with them again, argue again, be reminded of your past hurt again.
Or do you? When I was listening to that song, I finally heard, really heard, the line "Goodbye to everything that I knew." Because that's what happens when we break-up with someone we loved- we say goodbye to what we knew. We say goodbye to what we believed was true, but is no longer. We say goodbye to the reality that was but doesn't exist anymore.
For me, finally appreciating that all that I had, all that I lived when I was married and all that I loved when I first fell in love, was no longer true was a relief. Everything that I believed, everything I felt, all of the assumptions I made about what my life was- who loved me and how he loved me and why he loved me and why we were married and why we laughed together and supported each other- all of those wonderful things that I thought were my life, no longer exist. It's all in the past. He is no longer that person to me and I am not to him. I can let that go. I can say goodbye to that reality and embrace what exists today. I can release what I felt and believed and loved and hated and appreciated and missed and I can trade it all for the fullness of my life today; a life where he is on the periphery only. My life is of my own doing now. My life is for me and about me to live and love and dance and scream and cry and sing. And I can let go of the past because it is no longer. But I still am.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Getting over lost love is difficult; getting over lost love when you still have to have contact with the person can be like re-opening a wound over and over and over again. Just when you think you are healed, you have to see them again, engage with them again, argue again, be reminded of your past hurt again.
Or do you? When I was listening to that song, I finally heard, really heard, the line "Goodbye to everything that I knew." Because that's what happens when we break-up with someone we loved- we say goodbye to what we knew. We say goodbye to what we believed was true, but is no longer. We say goodbye to the reality that was but doesn't exist anymore.
For me, finally appreciating that all that I had, all that I lived when I was married and all that I loved when I first fell in love, was no longer true was a relief. Everything that I believed, everything I felt, all of the assumptions I made about what my life was- who loved me and how he loved me and why he loved me and why we were married and why we laughed together and supported each other- all of those wonderful things that I thought were my life, no longer exist. It's all in the past. He is no longer that person to me and I am not to him. I can let that go. I can say goodbye to that reality and embrace what exists today. I can release what I felt and believed and loved and hated and appreciated and missed and I can trade it all for the fullness of my life today; a life where he is on the periphery only. My life is of my own doing now. My life is for me and about me to live and love and dance and scream and cry and sing. And I can let go of the past because it is no longer. But I still am.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
You can fall
You can fall
There are times when we fall from our goals: we overeat when we're supposed to be watching our calories, we miss a day or two of our exercise program, we lose our temper when we are working on practicing patience, we see an old boyfriend/girlfriend and are reminded of the hurt feelings from a break-up long ago. It's easy to berate ourselves for slipping, for not remaining steadfast in our goals, for not doing all we could do that day- and yet, I think the recovery after a fall is the most important lesson we can learn in life.
It's not the perfection in our pursuits that makes us who we are today, it's who we are after we fail. It's whether we can pick ourselves up again, whether one fall has us giving up, whether one mistake throws us off track completely. It's the forgiveness that helps us get back on our feet. Forgiving ourselves for not being perfect and loving ourselves, not despite of, but because of our faults, is an achievement worth celebrating. It's when we relish who we are in our entirety that we can truly succeed.
There are days when you feel like you can barely get out of bed. There are days when you can't seem to say anything right. There are days when your pants are too tight and your hair is a mess and you don't have a enough make-up in your bag to cover up all of your flaws and you just want to throw in the towel and crawl back in bed and call in "fat" to work. It's ok. Look in the mirror. See if you can smile. See if your hair looks so bad it's funny. See if your pants are so tight one laugh will pop that button right off. See you- all of you- and realize that you can start again. right. now. See if you can laugh with yourself and at yourself and at the world and what's it's given you at this moment. Take a breath. Change your pants. Take a step. And start again. It's the picking ourselves up that defines who we are. Define yourself today.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
There are times when we fall from our goals: we overeat when we're supposed to be watching our calories, we miss a day or two of our exercise program, we lose our temper when we are working on practicing patience, we see an old boyfriend/girlfriend and are reminded of the hurt feelings from a break-up long ago. It's easy to berate ourselves for slipping, for not remaining steadfast in our goals, for not doing all we could do that day- and yet, I think the recovery after a fall is the most important lesson we can learn in life.
It's not the perfection in our pursuits that makes us who we are today, it's who we are after we fail. It's whether we can pick ourselves up again, whether one fall has us giving up, whether one mistake throws us off track completely. It's the forgiveness that helps us get back on our feet. Forgiving ourselves for not being perfect and loving ourselves, not despite of, but because of our faults, is an achievement worth celebrating. It's when we relish who we are in our entirety that we can truly succeed.
There are days when you feel like you can barely get out of bed. There are days when you can't seem to say anything right. There are days when your pants are too tight and your hair is a mess and you don't have a enough make-up in your bag to cover up all of your flaws and you just want to throw in the towel and crawl back in bed and call in "fat" to work. It's ok. Look in the mirror. See if you can smile. See if your hair looks so bad it's funny. See if your pants are so tight one laugh will pop that button right off. See you- all of you- and realize that you can start again. right. now. See if you can laugh with yourself and at yourself and at the world and what's it's given you at this moment. Take a breath. Change your pants. Take a step. And start again. It's the picking ourselves up that defines who we are. Define yourself today.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Peace in the Kingdom
People often ask me for tips on how they can get along better with their ex-spouse so that all parties, the parents and the children, can make an easier transition to a new way of doing things after the separation or divorce. Here's one of my most frequently offered suggestions: respect your ex-spouse's time with the kids and without them. Realize that, just as you make plans (both with and without the children), your ex probably does too. Throwing a constant wrench into those plans leads (in my experience) to instability and resentment.
Respect for the other parent's time shows that you appreciate both the time that parent has with the children as well as the time they do not. As a single parent, I think it is imperative that you set aside time for yourself. Being a single parent, on your own to raise your children, is rewarding and exhausting. You need time to recharge your batteries. You need time to adjust to single life both as a single parent and as a single person. Allowing yourself time away from the children to explore how to be on your own, how to make the most of your life after your divorce, how to adjust emotionally to this new chapter in your life, will also allow you to be the best parent you can be.
I'm not saying you should not be flexible in your custody to accommodate work schedules or special events, but I am saying that you should not impose time with or without the children on your ex-spouse without a good reason. Good boundaries, reinforced by all parties, lead to stability for everyone including the children; it also allows you and your ex to develop your lives separate and apart from each other respectfully. Crossing boundaries, not being considerate of the other person's time can lead to resentment and hostility that benefit no one.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Respect for the other parent's time shows that you appreciate both the time that parent has with the children as well as the time they do not. As a single parent, I think it is imperative that you set aside time for yourself. Being a single parent, on your own to raise your children, is rewarding and exhausting. You need time to recharge your batteries. You need time to adjust to single life both as a single parent and as a single person. Allowing yourself time away from the children to explore how to be on your own, how to make the most of your life after your divorce, how to adjust emotionally to this new chapter in your life, will also allow you to be the best parent you can be.
I'm not saying you should not be flexible in your custody to accommodate work schedules or special events, but I am saying that you should not impose time with or without the children on your ex-spouse without a good reason. Good boundaries, reinforced by all parties, lead to stability for everyone including the children; it also allows you and your ex to develop your lives separate and apart from each other respectfully. Crossing boundaries, not being considerate of the other person's time can lead to resentment and hostility that benefit no one.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Better to have loved and lost?
There's a Facebook group called "Better to have loved and lost than to have stayed with the idiot." I have several friends who are members of the group and it got me thinking, is it really better to have loved and lost? Is it better to have gotten your hopes up and fallen (however far you did) into like or love with that other person only to have it end up with... well, not love? Is it better to have wondered and fretted about whether you finally got it right, whether this was finally your "one", whether you had found "happily ever after"?
I say yes. In fact, I say "HELL YES!" It is better to have put yourself out there, to have made yourself available and to have embraced all that that relationship had to offer you (however small the offering turned out to be). It is better to have jumped in with gusto than to wade through life testing the water just with your pinkie toe. It is better to have been "all in" than to have guarded your heart so much that the light never shone upon it. It is better to have opened yourself up to something potentially wonderful, even if it ended in heartbreak. It is better to have decided to live this life fully and completely engaged than to have watched from the sidelines.
Is it easy? No. It can be difficult and sad and terrible. Heartbreak is never fun. Heartbreak makes you question just what you were thinking. Heartbreak makes you wonder if "the one" will ever appear. But heartbreak also shows you exactly what you want and don't want in "the one". (Whether there is just "one" for each person is the subject for another blog. Stay tuned). As you go through life trying on one relationship after another, the things you find in the other person that you don't like/don't want/ can't stand are the road maps to what you do want/ must have/much prefer in your next relationship. For example, you may want someone more independent, more outgoing, more carefree, more self-sufficient, more outwardly affectionate; or you may want someone less talkative, less analyzing, less social butterfly-ish, less inclined to public displays of affection. The more you put yourself out there, the more likely you are to find what it is you are looking for in "the one".
So next time you find yourself in the position of deciding whether to date or not, whether to make a new friend or not, whether to fall in love or not, realize that even if it doesn't work out, you will learn something. You will learn something about yourself, you will learn something about what you want, you will take another step or leap or jump toward the possibility of finding something and someone true and lovely and constant and amazing. So go ahead, close your eyes and jump in, embrace it all, wholly and completely; you might just be surprised at the good things that come your way.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
I say yes. In fact, I say "HELL YES!" It is better to have put yourself out there, to have made yourself available and to have embraced all that that relationship had to offer you (however small the offering turned out to be). It is better to have jumped in with gusto than to wade through life testing the water just with your pinkie toe. It is better to have been "all in" than to have guarded your heart so much that the light never shone upon it. It is better to have opened yourself up to something potentially wonderful, even if it ended in heartbreak. It is better to have decided to live this life fully and completely engaged than to have watched from the sidelines.
Is it easy? No. It can be difficult and sad and terrible. Heartbreak is never fun. Heartbreak makes you question just what you were thinking. Heartbreak makes you wonder if "the one" will ever appear. But heartbreak also shows you exactly what you want and don't want in "the one". (Whether there is just "one" for each person is the subject for another blog. Stay tuned). As you go through life trying on one relationship after another, the things you find in the other person that you don't like/don't want/ can't stand are the road maps to what you do want/ must have/much prefer in your next relationship. For example, you may want someone more independent, more outgoing, more carefree, more self-sufficient, more outwardly affectionate; or you may want someone less talkative, less analyzing, less social butterfly-ish, less inclined to public displays of affection. The more you put yourself out there, the more likely you are to find what it is you are looking for in "the one".
So next time you find yourself in the position of deciding whether to date or not, whether to make a new friend or not, whether to fall in love or not, realize that even if it doesn't work out, you will learn something. You will learn something about yourself, you will learn something about what you want, you will take another step or leap or jump toward the possibility of finding something and someone true and lovely and constant and amazing. So go ahead, close your eyes and jump in, embrace it all, wholly and completely; you might just be surprised at the good things that come your way.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Broken
My friend John called me the other day to talk to me about a girl he's been dating and to ask my advice. (And while I don't hold myself out as a dating expert AT ALL, I am pretty good with the unsolicited-advice-giving, so when someone actually asks for my advice, I'm all for it.) Anyway, John was concerned because both he and Terri (the new girl, no not her real name) have been dating for a while, both are divorced, and both came from prior relationships where they had been hurt by their partners emotionally. Both felt a little wounded coming out of those past relationships, both felt a little guarded, but both were also optimistic about meeting someone great in the future and riding off into the sunset. (Ok, maybe just Terri thought that; for some reason, I never get the feeling that guys think about riding off into the sunset with a girl- seems much more like a chick-thing. But I digress...)
John was worried that because they had both been through the emotional wringer in the past, that maybe they were too hurt to open up to someone new in the future. I disagree. See, here's the thing: when you get to a certain age (over 35), chances are you have been through a relationship or two and have a couple of battle scars to prove it. You have probably put yourself out there, been in a committed relationship, been hurt or been hurtful, made mistakes, made great stories, made yourself who you are today.
Being a little broken is not a bad thing. They say that a broken bone is stronger after it heals. I think the same thing about emotional breaks. When you have been through a difficult time, when you have loved and been hurt, you are a little broken, you are a little wounded, you are more careful of yourself and your feelings, but you're also probably more concerned and more considerate of the other person too. You will probably let your guard down slower but when you do, you will be rewarded- being able to be who you truly are, not putting up a front, not trying to be something you're not. Having been broken in the past, you will revel in who you are- totally and completely and without pretense- and you will revel in who someone else is- their true self and not who they think you want them to be.
When you are broken you learn to be stronger and more self-sufficient but also more willing to ask for help when you need it. You will open up when you feel ready and comfortable and sure and solid and when you do the floodgates of laughter and intimacy and raw emotion will come pouring through. Being broken means you may not open up as easily, you may not blindly trust immediately, you may not jump into something new without caution; but being broken does mean that you will walk away from the battle knowing you can tackle more and embrace more and love more and show more affection and be more you and be all in and be true to yourself. Being broken is a gift.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
John was worried that because they had both been through the emotional wringer in the past, that maybe they were too hurt to open up to someone new in the future. I disagree. See, here's the thing: when you get to a certain age (over 35), chances are you have been through a relationship or two and have a couple of battle scars to prove it. You have probably put yourself out there, been in a committed relationship, been hurt or been hurtful, made mistakes, made great stories, made yourself who you are today.
Being a little broken is not a bad thing. They say that a broken bone is stronger after it heals. I think the same thing about emotional breaks. When you have been through a difficult time, when you have loved and been hurt, you are a little broken, you are a little wounded, you are more careful of yourself and your feelings, but you're also probably more concerned and more considerate of the other person too. You will probably let your guard down slower but when you do, you will be rewarded- being able to be who you truly are, not putting up a front, not trying to be something you're not. Having been broken in the past, you will revel in who you are- totally and completely and without pretense- and you will revel in who someone else is- their true self and not who they think you want them to be.
When you are broken you learn to be stronger and more self-sufficient but also more willing to ask for help when you need it. You will open up when you feel ready and comfortable and sure and solid and when you do the floodgates of laughter and intimacy and raw emotion will come pouring through. Being broken means you may not open up as easily, you may not blindly trust immediately, you may not jump into something new without caution; but being broken does mean that you will walk away from the battle knowing you can tackle more and embrace more and love more and show more affection and be more you and be all in and be true to yourself. Being broken is a gift.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Life is for the living
I was thinking about this saying the other day. It seems to me this can be read 2 ways: 1) life is for those people who are living and not dead (to help those move on with their life after the loss of a loved one) and 2) it's the living life each day to the fullest that makes it all worth it.
Maybe it's the fact that I just had a birthday, maybe it's because I'm introspective by nature (and yet, I'm a classic extrovert- think about that one for a while. Maybe that means I'm most comfortable thinking about myself while surrounded by a large group of people. But I digress...) but I have to think that there is more to life than just moving from one day to the next without doing some serious questioning about WHY WE ARE HERE and WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO LEARN WHILE WE ARE HERE.
I think that each day brings us challenges to help us confront the demons and struggles that we need to overcome in life. One of mine is focusing on what's right in my life and not what's wrong. I wish I could say I came up with that idea, but I have to give credit to Debbie Ford, author of "The Right Questions: Ten Essential Questions to Guide You to an Extraordinary Life". One of the things she asks is whether you are only focusing on what is wrong in your life, on what is missing. It is not easy to do, to turn that practice around, to be grateful when things are not going your way, to be happy when things don't turn out as you want. It's not easy, but it's worth it to start down that path.
It's worth it to start thinking of your life in terms of what you have to do to "live" it fully. It's worth it to start, today, thinking of what you can do to live more expansively, to fill your life more with gratitude, to focus on all of the good things that are happening and all of the good things that are going to come. It's worth it to start today and ask yourself if you are really living your life and not just going through the motions. Embrace today. Embrace the challenges it has to offer. Embrace the goodness that is present. Let go of the past. Let go of the pain that is holding you back. Let go of the fear that keeps you from deliciously, voraciously devouring all that life has to give you. All the good and all the bad and all of it. ALL OF IT. It's all worth it in the end; to have a life truly lived, actively engaged.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Maybe it's the fact that I just had a birthday, maybe it's because I'm introspective by nature (and yet, I'm a classic extrovert- think about that one for a while. Maybe that means I'm most comfortable thinking about myself while surrounded by a large group of people. But I digress...) but I have to think that there is more to life than just moving from one day to the next without doing some serious questioning about WHY WE ARE HERE and WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO LEARN WHILE WE ARE HERE.
I think that each day brings us challenges to help us confront the demons and struggles that we need to overcome in life. One of mine is focusing on what's right in my life and not what's wrong. I wish I could say I came up with that idea, but I have to give credit to Debbie Ford, author of "The Right Questions: Ten Essential Questions to Guide You to an Extraordinary Life". One of the things she asks is whether you are only focusing on what is wrong in your life, on what is missing. It is not easy to do, to turn that practice around, to be grateful when things are not going your way, to be happy when things don't turn out as you want. It's not easy, but it's worth it to start down that path.
It's worth it to start thinking of your life in terms of what you have to do to "live" it fully. It's worth it to start, today, thinking of what you can do to live more expansively, to fill your life more with gratitude, to focus on all of the good things that are happening and all of the good things that are going to come. It's worth it to start today and ask yourself if you are really living your life and not just going through the motions. Embrace today. Embrace the challenges it has to offer. Embrace the goodness that is present. Let go of the past. Let go of the pain that is holding you back. Let go of the fear that keeps you from deliciously, voraciously devouring all that life has to give you. All the good and all the bad and all of it. ALL OF IT. It's all worth it in the end; to have a life truly lived, actively engaged.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Just keep swimming
Starting over. For some it's a relief. For others it's a disaster. Usually it's some combination of both. People who come talk to me about getting divorced are either relieved or devastated. But here's the funny thing: once the proceedings get moving, neither party remains fully relieved or fully devastated. The relieved party begins to fully understand the ramifications of their decision,and their relief is tinged with sadness, disappointment and, at times, regret. And the person who was devastated when they first walk in realizes through the process that they are going to be ok; their life may not turn out as they had imagined, but they will survive, they will get through this, and when it's over, they will be more successful and content than they had imagined.
See, divorce is not easy. It may seem like the easy way out, it may be the right thing for you and your family, but it's not a walk in the park. There are emotions tied to ending your marriage- there is not just sadness at your marriage failing and there is not just anger at this person for turning out to be someone completely different than you once thought, but there is also the practical consideration of dividing up belongings, taking what's yours, picking yourself up and moving on to a new chapter in your life.
But here's the thing to remember, your life will not be the same, but it will be ok. You may not stay married forever, but you will also not be miserable forever. You will laugh again, you will cry again, you will make new friends, you may get a new job or a new house or a new haircut or a new lease on life. You will realize that you are in control of your life and you are in control of your destiny and you get to make decisions for you and in your best interest and for your well-being. You will come out of this in one piece. I promise. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It may not be easy but you will get there. As Dory from "Finding Nemo" said "Just keep swimming."
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
See, divorce is not easy. It may seem like the easy way out, it may be the right thing for you and your family, but it's not a walk in the park. There are emotions tied to ending your marriage- there is not just sadness at your marriage failing and there is not just anger at this person for turning out to be someone completely different than you once thought, but there is also the practical consideration of dividing up belongings, taking what's yours, picking yourself up and moving on to a new chapter in your life.
But here's the thing to remember, your life will not be the same, but it will be ok. You may not stay married forever, but you will also not be miserable forever. You will laugh again, you will cry again, you will make new friends, you may get a new job or a new house or a new haircut or a new lease on life. You will realize that you are in control of your life and you are in control of your destiny and you get to make decisions for you and in your best interest and for your well-being. You will come out of this in one piece. I promise. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It may not be easy but you will get there. As Dory from "Finding Nemo" said "Just keep swimming."
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Control the things you can
I was reminded the other day by my friend Cathy that we cannot control other people's actions, other people's feelings, other people's reactions. I have to learn that I can only control myself, my actions, my reactions. This is a lesson that is very very hard for me to learn and because of that, it seems that life keeps throwing circumstances in my direction to help me/ force me/ compel me to address this issue.
See, the thing is, I like to know what's going to happen. I like to know the end of the story, the end of the movie, whether a relationship will wind up in love or in friendship or in shambles. I want to know if my energy is well-spent, if I'm being well- received, if I'm well-liked. I need to know that I'm doing the right thing, that I'm not making the wrong move, that I'm making decisions from my heart and my gut, that it will all be ok. The lesson for me is that none of these things is know-able until they come to pass. The lesson is that the more I try to control things, the less like it is that they can be controlled as I would like.
Yes, the irony is that if you try to mold people to feel a certain way, they will rebel and do the opposite. If you try to make circumstances fit your mold, Fate will step in and throw a wrench in your plans to break that mold. The more you want people to like you or love you or respect you, the more you try to bend people to do your will or your bidding, the less likely that is to happen.
So what's a control-freak like me to do? Let go. Really. It's just that easy. Let go. Let circumstances happen as they will. Easier said than done but really there is no alternative. You will meet your friends and your loves and your enemies and eventually your demise at exactly the time those events are supposed to happen- not one second before or after. You can't change that. You can change how you live in the meantime. You can love your life as it is- flaws and all. You can decide to change yourself and your surroundings and your circumstances. You can live your life on your terms, but you can't live someone else's.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
See, the thing is, I like to know what's going to happen. I like to know the end of the story, the end of the movie, whether a relationship will wind up in love or in friendship or in shambles. I want to know if my energy is well-spent, if I'm being well- received, if I'm well-liked. I need to know that I'm doing the right thing, that I'm not making the wrong move, that I'm making decisions from my heart and my gut, that it will all be ok. The lesson for me is that none of these things is know-able until they come to pass. The lesson is that the more I try to control things, the less like it is that they can be controlled as I would like.
Yes, the irony is that if you try to mold people to feel a certain way, they will rebel and do the opposite. If you try to make circumstances fit your mold, Fate will step in and throw a wrench in your plans to break that mold. The more you want people to like you or love you or respect you, the more you try to bend people to do your will or your bidding, the less likely that is to happen.
So what's a control-freak like me to do? Let go. Really. It's just that easy. Let go. Let circumstances happen as they will. Easier said than done but really there is no alternative. You will meet your friends and your loves and your enemies and eventually your demise at exactly the time those events are supposed to happen- not one second before or after. You can't change that. You can change how you live in the meantime. You can love your life as it is- flaws and all. You can decide to change yourself and your surroundings and your circumstances. You can live your life on your terms, but you can't live someone else's.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
April Fools' Day
I hate April Fools' Day. Yep. Hate it now, and have always hated it. I don't like surprises. I like to know what's coming around the corner. I like to plan ahead and prepare myself. So the whole "April Fools' Day" in honor of practical jokes is just about the antithesis of my comfort level.
But here's the real joke. Life is full of surprises. You can plan all you want and there is nothing to say that things are going to work out the way you hoped they would. So what's an obsessive planner to do? Well, when I went to a water park with my kids this year, I was terrified to go down one of the slides with my kids. I worried about breaking my nose, whether I would hit my mouth at the end, and again about breaking my nose. (This is what happens when you grow up in a medical family.) And then I looked at my youngest child's face, so excited to go down this "grown-up" slide with me. Trying her best to be brave and have fun when she was terrified as well. So what did I do? I smiled and I took a breath. And I kept on breathing. In fact I concentrated on my breathing all the way down that damn slide. And you know what? It was really fun! It was fun to be there with my kids and fun to act like a kid and fun just to hang out and not worry about anything except how long the line is to go down the next slide.
So when life throws curve balls at you, first and foremost, take a breath. Realize you don't have to respond or act RIGHT. THIS. MINUTE. to anything. You can take a breath. Then another. Sit with life's surprise for a while. Decide what you want to do... and make a plan.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
But here's the real joke. Life is full of surprises. You can plan all you want and there is nothing to say that things are going to work out the way you hoped they would. So what's an obsessive planner to do? Well, when I went to a water park with my kids this year, I was terrified to go down one of the slides with my kids. I worried about breaking my nose, whether I would hit my mouth at the end, and again about breaking my nose. (This is what happens when you grow up in a medical family.) And then I looked at my youngest child's face, so excited to go down this "grown-up" slide with me. Trying her best to be brave and have fun when she was terrified as well. So what did I do? I smiled and I took a breath. And I kept on breathing. In fact I concentrated on my breathing all the way down that damn slide. And you know what? It was really fun! It was fun to be there with my kids and fun to act like a kid and fun just to hang out and not worry about anything except how long the line is to go down the next slide.
So when life throws curve balls at you, first and foremost, take a breath. Realize you don't have to respond or act RIGHT. THIS. MINUTE. to anything. You can take a breath. Then another. Sit with life's surprise for a while. Decide what you want to do... and make a plan.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Tackling the fear of the unknown in 3 easy steps
One of the greatest fears, they say, is fear of the unknown. (I don't actually know who "they" are, but I have heard that phrase so many times that I am confident more than one person has said it, thus "they" exist). But I digress. When you are faced with a divorce or legal separation, almost all anxiety comes from the fear of what the future will bring. Will I get to keep my house? Will I have to move? Where will I move to? Can I live on one salary? It all adds up to one large looming fear: can I make it on my own?
I am here to tell you: yes you can. It is easier said than done, but it's also easier to tackle than you may think. Here's why, there's this little thing called the Internet that can help you figure out just about anything in the world that needs figuring. First things first. The biggest concern I have seen in most people is their fear about where they will live if they have to move out of their house. So Step 1: take 5 minutes and look online to see what's available and what you can afford. Step 2: look around your house and determine what it is you would take with you if you needed to. Step 3: grab the bills and find out how much it would cost each month to start your "what if" budget. Do these 3 things and all of the sudden, in just an hour or two, you have a "what if" budget for your "what if" house filled with your "what if" furniture. Now breathe. It may not happen. Things may work out in the end and you may reconcile with your spouse. You may not. Either way, you're going to be ok. It's going to be hard because it's going to be new, but that doesn't mean it will be bad or wrong or terrible. It just means life is taking you someplace you may not have seen coming. But you can plan for it. You can take the fear out of the unknown. You can make your "what if" scenario your back-up plan. You can gather your friends and gather your strength and you can get through this. The question is: can you do this on your own? The answer is: yes, and the power is all yours.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
I am here to tell you: yes you can. It is easier said than done, but it's also easier to tackle than you may think. Here's why, there's this little thing called the Internet that can help you figure out just about anything in the world that needs figuring. First things first. The biggest concern I have seen in most people is their fear about where they will live if they have to move out of their house. So Step 1: take 5 minutes and look online to see what's available and what you can afford. Step 2: look around your house and determine what it is you would take with you if you needed to. Step 3: grab the bills and find out how much it would cost each month to start your "what if" budget. Do these 3 things and all of the sudden, in just an hour or two, you have a "what if" budget for your "what if" house filled with your "what if" furniture. Now breathe. It may not happen. Things may work out in the end and you may reconcile with your spouse. You may not. Either way, you're going to be ok. It's going to be hard because it's going to be new, but that doesn't mean it will be bad or wrong or terrible. It just means life is taking you someplace you may not have seen coming. But you can plan for it. You can take the fear out of the unknown. You can make your "what if" scenario your back-up plan. You can gather your friends and gather your strength and you can get through this. The question is: can you do this on your own? The answer is: yes, and the power is all yours.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Co-parenting: great idea and a great big headache
I was talking to a friend the other day about how his post-divorce life is going. He told me that he and his wife are trying their best to co-parent but that every time he does something at his house that is different from the way she does it at hers, she threatens to tell her attorney and take him back to court. 2 things: 1)Just because one of you uses time-outs and the other takes away privileges, the Courts do not want to get involved. You can threaten all you want, and you may even get an attorney who will take your case (read: money) to go to Court, but unless there is abuse or neglect, the Courts are not going to get involved in your daily parenting activities. 2) Co-parenting does not mean you do things the exact same way at both homes. Co-parenting does mean that you are both involved in decision-making for your children, you are both involved in activities for your children, you both go to meetings, conferences, school plays, etc for your children, but your homes do not need to be run the same or even remotely similarly. This is a hard fact to get used to. For people who used to live under the same roof and therefore had many of the same rules and regs when it came to handling the kids, having 2 separate homes where you are each free to make your own decisions can be a great thing, and a difficult transition as well. Should you try to be on the same page about responses to issues/questions/concerns the kids have? Sure- it makes it easier on the kids. Can you force the other person to do what you want them to do? Sadly (and I have tried this myself, so I know of what I speak) no. You can't make the other parent do things your way (no matter how right you think you are).
Co-parenting doesn't mean living in lock-step and many times it doesn't even mean you are great friends. What it does mean is that you try to look at things from your kids' perspective to give them the best home life you can- both at your house and your ex's house. It means you support the other parent's decisions to parent the way they choose (assuming the children are not being harmed). Many times it means biting your tongue. Many times it means calling a friend and venting. Many times it's a reminder (yet again) of why you are not married to that person.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Co-parenting doesn't mean living in lock-step and many times it doesn't even mean you are great friends. What it does mean is that you try to look at things from your kids' perspective to give them the best home life you can- both at your house and your ex's house. It means you support the other parent's decisions to parent the way they choose (assuming the children are not being harmed). Many times it means biting your tongue. Many times it means calling a friend and venting. Many times it's a reminder (yet again) of why you are not married to that person.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Friday, February 26, 2010
What did I do wrong? Maybe nothing at all.
The other day my friend called me upset that her ex-husband wanted to divide up their son's soccer matches so that they would not need to attend at the same time. My friend (we'll call her Kelly) had thought she and her ex-husband got along pretty well, except for the occasional glitch that is almost inevitable with divorced couples. It seems her ex-husband thought Kelly was too boisterous at the games and it made him uncomfortable. (Her ex-husband would stand quietly on the sideline making barely a peep.) "What did I do to make him dislike me so much?" Kelly asked me. "I tried to include him with the other soccer parents when we would go out for pizza, I would introduce him to parents he hadn't met, and now he doesn't want to be at the same matches as me? What did I do wrong?" I thought about it and was reminded about what a good friend of mine once told me, "It may have nothing to do with you. It's all about him. You may have done nothing wrong. It's about his insecurities. Don't beat yourself up about something that may have nothing to do with you."
When we get divorced, there are always reasons things didn't work out. It does take two to get married, but it only takes one to get divorced. I have clients tell me all the time that they don't want to get divorced, but the simple answer is that if one partner wants to get divorced, there is little to nothing the other can do about it. You may still have hope that your marriage can work. You may believe that after you get divorced you can get along well. You may believe that you can go to soccer games together and go out for pizza afterwards together and that you can spend holidays together. But if the other person doesn't want to join in, it won't work. You can't make someone like you and you can't make someone get along with you. Despite you wanting to be able to be amicable and friendly to your ex, they may not want to be friendly to you- and you can't make them do so. And it may have nothing to do with you. It may be that they are still hurting from the divorce. It may be that they are insecure with how well you are doing after the divorce. It may be that their thoughts of post-divorce life are not what they thought/hoped they would be. It may be that your happiness and success post-divorce are a reminder that they are not. There are many reasons why your ex may not want to be your friend- and it may be that none of them have anything to do with you.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
When we get divorced, there are always reasons things didn't work out. It does take two to get married, but it only takes one to get divorced. I have clients tell me all the time that they don't want to get divorced, but the simple answer is that if one partner wants to get divorced, there is little to nothing the other can do about it. You may still have hope that your marriage can work. You may believe that after you get divorced you can get along well. You may believe that you can go to soccer games together and go out for pizza afterwards together and that you can spend holidays together. But if the other person doesn't want to join in, it won't work. You can't make someone like you and you can't make someone get along with you. Despite you wanting to be able to be amicable and friendly to your ex, they may not want to be friendly to you- and you can't make them do so. And it may have nothing to do with you. It may be that they are still hurting from the divorce. It may be that they are insecure with how well you are doing after the divorce. It may be that their thoughts of post-divorce life are not what they thought/hoped they would be. It may be that your happiness and success post-divorce are a reminder that they are not. There are many reasons why your ex may not want to be your friend- and it may be that none of them have anything to do with you.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Be nice?
My friend (we'll call her Mary) emailed me the other day very upset by her fiance's ex-wife. The ex-wife called the fiance to tell him that she would be 30 minutes late to drop the kids off. Problem was: Mary was picking up the kids, not her finance, her fiance was at work and didn't get the message, so Mary didn't get the message either. When the ex-wife dropped the kids off with Mary (who was, at that point, 30 minutes fuming mad), the ex did not say hello to Mary- did not apologize for being late- did not apologize for Mary the miscommunication. "What if anything could be done about this lack of civility?" Mary asked me. My response to my friend: umm... not much. The sad truth is that you can't make someone be nice. You can't make someone be civil. You can't make someone be courteous. And unless there is some kind of abuse or neglect, the courts are almost never going to be involved.
So what is there that you can do? "Little to nothing" doesn't seem like a good answer, but honestly, other than talking yourself hoarse to someone who is probably not going to listen, you can't do much except let time pass. In my experience, after a couple of years, the hurt gets less painful; the anger dissipates; the nastiness aimed at the ex gets less gratifying. After time the bully gets to be less effective. "If you ignore her digs and her insensitivity, if you don't let her see that it bothers you, I really think it will get better over time." I advised Mary. That doesn't make Mary feel better now unfortunately, but maybe it will give her hope for the future.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
So what is there that you can do? "Little to nothing" doesn't seem like a good answer, but honestly, other than talking yourself hoarse to someone who is probably not going to listen, you can't do much except let time pass. In my experience, after a couple of years, the hurt gets less painful; the anger dissipates; the nastiness aimed at the ex gets less gratifying. After time the bully gets to be less effective. "If you ignore her digs and her insensitivity, if you don't let her see that it bothers you, I really think it will get better over time." I advised Mary. That doesn't make Mary feel better now unfortunately, but maybe it will give her hope for the future.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Friday, February 19, 2010
When you and your ex aren't getting along
The truth is there are going to be times (for some former couples it may be the rule rather than the exception) where you don't get along with your ex. For those former couples who have kids, like it or not (and like THEM or not) you and your ex are going to be in each other's lives, to some extent, for quite some time. When you're not getting along, that can be a painful reminder of your divorce, and it can be disheartening when you question what it is you saw in that person to begin with.
I told a friend of mine who was not getting along with her ex-husband, that instead of bemoaning the fact that she and her ex were not getting along, she should try and look at that as a reminder of how lucky she is to no longer be married to her ex. Just as I think marriage is a day-to-day journey/struggle/promise to choose your partner over and over and over again, not getting along with your ex can be a reminder that you no longer have to choose that person every day. You don't have to choose to laugh at jokes you don't think are funny, you don't have to listen to music you don't want to, you don't have to sit through watching endlessly boring tv that s/he chooses- you have, instead, chosen to get off that hamster wheel of marriage that wasn't working for you. You have, instead, chosen to find out if there's another hamster wheel you'd rather jump on. You have instead, been given the chance to be happy listening to your music, making your own jokes and watching the boring tv shows of your own choosing. When you don't get along with your ex, try to think, for even a second, how grateful you are to no longer be married to that person. Give thanks for a second (or third, or fourth) chance at happiness. Live your life on your terms and on your own hamster wheel.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
I told a friend of mine who was not getting along with her ex-husband, that instead of bemoaning the fact that she and her ex were not getting along, she should try and look at that as a reminder of how lucky she is to no longer be married to her ex. Just as I think marriage is a day-to-day journey/struggle/promise to choose your partner over and over and over again, not getting along with your ex can be a reminder that you no longer have to choose that person every day. You don't have to choose to laugh at jokes you don't think are funny, you don't have to listen to music you don't want to, you don't have to sit through watching endlessly boring tv that s/he chooses- you have, instead, chosen to get off that hamster wheel of marriage that wasn't working for you. You have, instead, chosen to find out if there's another hamster wheel you'd rather jump on. You have instead, been given the chance to be happy listening to your music, making your own jokes and watching the boring tv shows of your own choosing. When you don't get along with your ex, try to think, for even a second, how grateful you are to no longer be married to that person. Give thanks for a second (or third, or fourth) chance at happiness. Live your life on your terms and on your own hamster wheel.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Getting along with your ex: a blessing and a curse
So my friend was telling me the other day how well she and her ex-husband get along. They plan birthdays together, they planned their son's bar mitzvah together, and through it all, they got along really well. "It's so nice that you guys do so well together", I mentioned. Yes, she admitted, it was nice, but it was also not without a price.
After her son's bar mitzvah he asked his mom why, if they got along so well, were his parents no longer married. It took my friend a little while to answer. She was happy she and her ex got along well, but she also felt a little bittersweet about the relationship. On the one hand she was thrilled she and her ex were both able to fully participate in their children's' lives. There was no tension between them- no yelling or fighting about who would get which birthday, etc. It was actually (she hesitantly admitted) kind of nice. But then she wondered: what does that mean- assuming it means anything at all? Did that mean she was wrong to get divorced? Did it mean they should think about getting back together?
I thought about it, and realized that the lack of tension, the getting along, the "niceness" of their relationship probably meant one thing: getting divorced was the right thing to do. I remembered when she was really unhappy, when they were struggling to get along, when every moment she was with him she was miserable. It's easy to forget those times when you get along so well. It's easy to let yourself wonder if you made a mistake. It's easy to regret the pain and upheaval divorce can cause for so many people. I try to live my life without regret and I reminded her that she made the same vow when she ultimately decided divorce was the only option for her. She decided to get divorced not because it was the easy thing to do, but because it was the right thing to do. She struggled with making that decision for months. It wasn't something she took lightly and she gave her marriage all that she could- but to no avail. I reminded her that at the time she made the decision to get divorced, it was with the hope that losing the marriage meant saving her family. Getting divorced from her husband would hopefully allow them to parent their children better and to have better lives themselves. Getting along was exactly what she had hoped would happen in the long run. Turns out the "long run" wasn't as long as she thought. Turns out that not being married to each other didn't mean they had to hate each other, but it also didn't mean they should get back together. Getting along meant that her wish that things could be better came true.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
After her son's bar mitzvah he asked his mom why, if they got along so well, were his parents no longer married. It took my friend a little while to answer. She was happy she and her ex got along well, but she also felt a little bittersweet about the relationship. On the one hand she was thrilled she and her ex were both able to fully participate in their children's' lives. There was no tension between them- no yelling or fighting about who would get which birthday, etc. It was actually (she hesitantly admitted) kind of nice. But then she wondered: what does that mean- assuming it means anything at all? Did that mean she was wrong to get divorced? Did it mean they should think about getting back together?
I thought about it, and realized that the lack of tension, the getting along, the "niceness" of their relationship probably meant one thing: getting divorced was the right thing to do. I remembered when she was really unhappy, when they were struggling to get along, when every moment she was with him she was miserable. It's easy to forget those times when you get along so well. It's easy to let yourself wonder if you made a mistake. It's easy to regret the pain and upheaval divorce can cause for so many people. I try to live my life without regret and I reminded her that she made the same vow when she ultimately decided divorce was the only option for her. She decided to get divorced not because it was the easy thing to do, but because it was the right thing to do. She struggled with making that decision for months. It wasn't something she took lightly and she gave her marriage all that she could- but to no avail. I reminded her that at the time she made the decision to get divorced, it was with the hope that losing the marriage meant saving her family. Getting divorced from her husband would hopefully allow them to parent their children better and to have better lives themselves. Getting along was exactly what she had hoped would happen in the long run. Turns out the "long run" wasn't as long as she thought. Turns out that not being married to each other didn't mean they had to hate each other, but it also didn't mean they should get back together. Getting along meant that her wish that things could be better came true.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Monday, February 1, 2010
And you thought divorce would solve all your problems...
One of the things I've come to realize is that people are surprised that getting divorced doesn't solve all of their problems with their former spouse. Sure, they are no longer married to someone with whom they were unhappy; sure the knot in their stomach when they were driving home is gone- vaporized- once the marriage is over and the legalities are finished; sure they are happier and more hopeful about the future then they have been in a long time; but no, all of their problems do not disappear once the ink on the judge's signature is dry. There are financial and emotional repercussions to getting divorced that are sometimes not felt until years afterwards. There are other "quirks" that exist for many years- marriage or not. Little things like: he forgot to sign your son up for soccer; she didn't bring the cleats to the t-ball game; he doesn't have the right hair bows for the dance recital. Those little things can add up to big aggravations for divorced couples.
A friend of mine called the other day steaming mad that her ex-husband didn't write her email address legibly enough to allow her to get their daughter's dance recital emails. She brought her daughter to dance class last week and all of the other little girls were dressed in the recital outfits but her daughter was not. She asked the front desk when they were notified to send the girls in their recital outfits and she was told that they had sent out reminders via email over the past 3 weeks. She asked to see what email address they were using for her and, because her ex didn't write clearly enough, they were sending hers to the wrong account so she had never received any of their reminders. She was embarrassed that her daughter was not dressed properly, upset that she had to run home and get the right outfit to bring back to the dance studio, and mad that he had put her in this position. She called him immediately and let him have it. He apologized but that didn't make her any less angry. "I thought when I got divorced I wouldn't have to put up with his irresponsibility!" she cried to me. If only that were the case.
It's good to remember that when you have children with someone, even when you get divorced, you are still going to be in each other's lives to some extent. You can minimize contact, absolutely, but there are some things you are still going to have to deal with together. It's not easy. Old feelings and resentments and anxieties can come right back just as they existed when you were married. So what should you do? After you have calmed down (and hopefully you didn't yell too loud for too long) you should realize 1) people are human and they make mistakes and 2) even though this person can still push your buttons, they can't push them as often as they did when you were married so 3) be grateful for at least that small miracle. You can go home to YOUR house where you have YOUR things the way YOU like them and not have to worry that your ex is going to be there. You have your space. You don't have a knot in your stomach when you pull in your driveway. You can look around, think how glad you are that you have hope for the future, how grateful you are that you took steps to make your life the best it can be, and how happy you are to no longer be in a failing marriage. So take a deep breath, pat yourself on the back and look forward to a future of your own making.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
A friend of mine called the other day steaming mad that her ex-husband didn't write her email address legibly enough to allow her to get their daughter's dance recital emails. She brought her daughter to dance class last week and all of the other little girls were dressed in the recital outfits but her daughter was not. She asked the front desk when they were notified to send the girls in their recital outfits and she was told that they had sent out reminders via email over the past 3 weeks. She asked to see what email address they were using for her and, because her ex didn't write clearly enough, they were sending hers to the wrong account so she had never received any of their reminders. She was embarrassed that her daughter was not dressed properly, upset that she had to run home and get the right outfit to bring back to the dance studio, and mad that he had put her in this position. She called him immediately and let him have it. He apologized but that didn't make her any less angry. "I thought when I got divorced I wouldn't have to put up with his irresponsibility!" she cried to me. If only that were the case.
It's good to remember that when you have children with someone, even when you get divorced, you are still going to be in each other's lives to some extent. You can minimize contact, absolutely, but there are some things you are still going to have to deal with together. It's not easy. Old feelings and resentments and anxieties can come right back just as they existed when you were married. So what should you do? After you have calmed down (and hopefully you didn't yell too loud for too long) you should realize 1) people are human and they make mistakes and 2) even though this person can still push your buttons, they can't push them as often as they did when you were married so 3) be grateful for at least that small miracle. You can go home to YOUR house where you have YOUR things the way YOU like them and not have to worry that your ex is going to be there. You have your space. You don't have a knot in your stomach when you pull in your driveway. You can look around, think how glad you are that you have hope for the future, how grateful you are that you took steps to make your life the best it can be, and how happy you are to no longer be in a failing marriage. So take a deep breath, pat yourself on the back and look forward to a future of your own making.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
What to do with the house when divorcing in this recession:
Many couples want to get divorced but are having a difficult time figuring out what to do with the marital home. Here is an interesting article on these economic times and strategies for what to do with the house when you want to get divorced.
http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/Banking/HomeFinancing/a-recession-divorce-no-one-wants-the-house.aspx
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/Banking/HomeFinancing/a-recession-divorce-no-one-wants-the-house.aspx
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
To divorce or not to divorce
I was talking to a good friend the other day about giving people advice regarding whether they should stay together or get divorced. She, as a therapist (and a damn good one at that), and I, as a divorced mom (you thought I was going to say because I am a divorce attorney, didn't you) both realized that we can be biased when it comes to giving advice about whether people should stay together or get divorced.
She was saying that she thinks many couples go through rough patches and too many people are quick on the draw to get divorced. I told her that once people find out that divorce as not as easy as they think, they usually take a good hard second look at their marriage. I often tell people that they really need to decide if getting divorced is the right thing for them, or if they should just consult a good therapist.
One of my jobs is to tell people what their reality may look like after divorce. It can be very eye-opening. Generally speaking, there is just no way to keep the exact same lifestyle that you had when you were married after you get divorced. (This excludes the very wealthy or people with significant assets). Once people get a dose of their post-divorce reality, they sometimes realize that staying married is the better option. I try to counsel them that their best option is whatever will be best for their family, but that if they are truly unhappy being married, getting divorced and starting over can be just what the doctor ordered.
Either way, when you are going through a difficult time and ask advice of others, you should be aware of what people's biases may be. You may not realize that the person you are talking to has an agenda of their own. Remember, all of us are shaped by the circumstances we go through in life and only you know, deep in your gut, what the right thing is. Be happy. Do the best you can for right now. It will all work out how it's supposed to.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
She was saying that she thinks many couples go through rough patches and too many people are quick on the draw to get divorced. I told her that once people find out that divorce as not as easy as they think, they usually take a good hard second look at their marriage. I often tell people that they really need to decide if getting divorced is the right thing for them, or if they should just consult a good therapist.
One of my jobs is to tell people what their reality may look like after divorce. It can be very eye-opening. Generally speaking, there is just no way to keep the exact same lifestyle that you had when you were married after you get divorced. (This excludes the very wealthy or people with significant assets). Once people get a dose of their post-divorce reality, they sometimes realize that staying married is the better option. I try to counsel them that their best option is whatever will be best for their family, but that if they are truly unhappy being married, getting divorced and starting over can be just what the doctor ordered.
Either way, when you are going through a difficult time and ask advice of others, you should be aware of what people's biases may be. You may not realize that the person you are talking to has an agenda of their own. Remember, all of us are shaped by the circumstances we go through in life and only you know, deep in your gut, what the right thing is. Be happy. Do the best you can for right now. It will all work out how it's supposed to.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Reading list for kids
I have been asked by several people to recommend books for children whose parents are separating and/or going through a divorce. A great resource here in St. Louis is Kids in the Middle; here is a link to their recommended book list for children:
http://www.kidsinthemiddle.org/books.htm
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
http://www.kidsinthemiddle.org/books.htm
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Made it through the holidays... now what?
If you made it through the holidays relatively unscathed (emotionally and physically) give yourself a HUGE pat on the back... and breathe. The holidays (from Thanksgiving until Jan. 2nd) are usually the most stressful time during the year to be either a) unhappily married or b) divorced. If you are unhappily married, you may have made a commitment to make this year the year you change your situation. You may have decided to go to marriage counseling, or you may have decided to see an attorney. Since I'm not a licensed counselor, let me address the second option. One of the first things I tell people when they make an appointment to see me is that seeing a divorce attorney does not mean you are getting divorced. It does mean that you are getting information to let you make the best decision possible for you and your family.
People are always surprised by the amount of paperwork and information needed to file for divorce. Seeing a divorce attorney is really just a meeting to figure out: a) whether you can afford to get divorced, b) what are the possible custody arrangements for your kids, c) what information do you need to gather to get this show on the road, d) what steps should you start taking protect yourself as best you can if you do get divorced, e) do you need to hire an attorney and if so, is this the person you want to hire, and f) what will your future look like post-divorce. These are all questions you should ask yourself and the attorney during that first meeting and many attorneys don't charge you for that first meeting. (Make sure to ask if there is a cost for that meeting before you make the appointment!!)
Going to that initial meeting, listening to the advice the attorney has to give, and understanding what is involved in going through a divorce, can be very helpful to you in planning your future. After many of these initial meetings, I have had clients tell me how relieved they are to know what they need to do and what their options are. The options are usually a lot less scary than you imagine; in this case, the old adage about fear of the unknown being the great fear holds true. So arm yourself with information; it doesn't mean the end of your marriage, but it can mean the end to a great deal of worry.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
People are always surprised by the amount of paperwork and information needed to file for divorce. Seeing a divorce attorney is really just a meeting to figure out: a) whether you can afford to get divorced, b) what are the possible custody arrangements for your kids, c) what information do you need to gather to get this show on the road, d) what steps should you start taking protect yourself as best you can if you do get divorced, e) do you need to hire an attorney and if so, is this the person you want to hire, and f) what will your future look like post-divorce. These are all questions you should ask yourself and the attorney during that first meeting and many attorneys don't charge you for that first meeting. (Make sure to ask if there is a cost for that meeting before you make the appointment!!)
Going to that initial meeting, listening to the advice the attorney has to give, and understanding what is involved in going through a divorce, can be very helpful to you in planning your future. After many of these initial meetings, I have had clients tell me how relieved they are to know what they need to do and what their options are. The options are usually a lot less scary than you imagine; in this case, the old adage about fear of the unknown being the great fear holds true. So arm yourself with information; it doesn't mean the end of your marriage, but it can mean the end to a great deal of worry.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
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