Made it through the holidays... now what?

If you made it through the holidays relatively unscathed (emotionally and physically) give yourself a HUGE pat on the back... and breathe. The holidays (from Thanksgiving until Jan. 2nd) are usually the most stressful time during the year to be either a) unhappily married or b) divorced. If you are unhappily married, you may have made a commitment to make this year the year you change your situation. You may have decided to go to marriage counseling, or you may have decided to see an attorney. Since I'm not a licensed counselor, let me address the second option. One of the first things I tell people when they make an appointment to see me is that seeing a divorce attorney does not mean you are getting divorced. It does mean that you are getting information to let you make the best decision possible for you and your family.

People are always surprised by the amount of paperwork and information needed to file for divorce. Seeing a divorce attorney is really just a meeting to figure out: a) whether you can afford to get divorced, b) what are the possible custody arrangements for your kids, c) what information do you need to gather to get this show on the road, d) what steps should you start taking protect yourself as best you can if you do get divorced, e) do you need to hire an attorney and if so, is this the person you want to hire, and f) what will your future look like post-divorce. These are all questions you should ask yourself and the attorney during that first meeting and many attorneys don't charge you for that first meeting. (Make sure to ask if there is a cost for that meeting before you make the appointment!!)

Going to that initial meeting, listening to the advice the attorney has to give, and understanding what is involved in going through a divorce, can be very helpful to you in planning your future. After many of these initial meetings, I have had clients tell me how relieved they are to know what they need to do and what their options are. The options are usually a lot less scary than you imagine; in this case, the old adage about fear of the unknown being the great fear holds true. So arm yourself with information; it doesn't mean the end of your marriage, but it can mean the end to a great deal of worry.

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Happy Holidays

I heard someone talking the other day about holidays being a time for people to want to come home; and how, for some, when they don't have a home to come to, the holidays can be a very difficult time. It reminded me about the first holidays after a divorce- how hard it can be both for children and for parents. You may think at first that your old traditions are gone because the family you made and thought would be there forever is gone. But I think that with a little thought, you can look at the holidays as a time to embrace those traditions you love, and get rid of those that drove you crazy. Maybe this year it's just going to be you and your kids opening presents and spending the day together. Maybe you'll have friends over and start new traditions with them. Maybe those hectic past holidays of running from one family function to another are over, and maybe that's not a bad thing in your mind.

The thing to remember is that the holidays are what YOU make of them. As a single parent, the good news is, you get to choose what that is. YOU get to decide what to make for dinner, what music to listen to, with whom you want to spend time. You don't have to ask anyone else's opinion- it's all up to you. Embrace this new freedom. Keep the traditions you love and make new memories for you and your children. You can do it. I have faith in you and in your decision to make your life the best it can be. And if all else fails, just remember, in 13 days it will be Jan. 2nd.


Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Getting divorced is easy??

I'm always shocked when I hear a person say that "we" make getting divorced too easy. That person is obviously neither divorced nor have they had someone close to them go through a divorce. I will say, however, that at first blush it can look like getting divorced is easy: let's divide everything up, get a lawyer and go our separate ways. Unfortunately, dividing everything up can be the easy part- it's the aftermath that's difficult.

Leaving aside any of the financial ramifications of divorce which can be extremely difficult, the emotional part of divorce is something that takes people by surprise, no matter how bitter the feelings between the two were before the split. Anyone who has been through a breakup of a non-marital relationship knows how hard it is to sever ties with the other person. You are used to having someone there, having someone to lean on, to talk to, to share your life with; breaking up means that all of that activity stops - and that is hard to get used to. Now take that break-up and multiply it by 10 (if you don't have kids) and 100 if you do have kids. It's the "breaking up" part of divorce that's hard. It's the learning to live on your own, making all decisions on your own, not having someone to share the trials and tribulations of work or family or friends that is strange and new. It's the realization as you reach for the phone that the person you are used to calling on a daily/hourly basis is no longer your go-to person.

You may think laying out how difficult divorce can be is a funny thing coming from a divorce attorney. Let me be clear, I'm not saying you should stay in a bad marriage. In fact, I'm the biggest advocate of "live your best life" (thank you, Oprah) and do whatever you can in this life to make you happy. If that means getting out of a bad marriage- go for it; get your friends together to support you, get a good attorney, and take that leap to do what is best for you. But I would be remiss if I said the path is going to be easy. Is it worth it in the end? ABSOLUTELY. How many times have I said I would rather be lonely and single than lonely and married? How many times have I said my life is different, but much happier and fulfilled, not being in a marriage that wasn't working? Taking the easy way out or the path of least resistance is not always best. It's sometimes the struggle that makes the journey worth it. It's getting through the dark times that makes light at the end so much brighter. It's your life, so live it the best way you can.

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

The Fall: A time for action

Fall is my favorite season. It's not just the magic of seeing the leaves turn spectacular shades of pink, yellow and orange, or the cool wind blowing through with hints of the winter to come. Fall is my time for action. I look at what is working in my life and what's not, and I figure out what I can do RIGHT NOW to change the things I can. No resolution needed, no writing off what happened this year with prayers that the next will be different; autumn gives you a chance to look at what's happened this year and still DO something about it.

I've come to realize that I'm not the only one who thinks this way. After school starts in September, I get calls from people thinking of divorcing, or modifying their prior divorce decrees. I think that's because it's not just me who looks at Fall as a time for change. I think many people take the time in the Fall to assess where their lives are headed: what's working and what's not. People think: The year's not over, so what can I do to make a difference in my life THIS YEAR? As a divorce attorney, I get calls from people who have taken stock and decided that their marriage is not what they want it to be. Maybe they talk to their spouse, or their best friend, or a therapist, or maybe they call an attorney, just to see "what happens if..."

Many of the conversations I have with people answer just that question: "what if...". They are informational conversations answering the most pressing issues for that person. What will happen to my kids? Should I stay in my house? Am I going to have to pay maintenance? Am I going to have to pay child support? These questions do not have simple answers, but most attorneys will give you a general idea as to what the possible outcomes are for you and your situation. Your attorney can advise you about what you should and should not do, what you should be aware of, what you should be on the lookout for. It's hard to pick up the phone and call with questions. It doesn't mean you're getting divorced. It doesn't mean all hope is lost. It just means you are getting answers to your questions so that, when you take stock of where your life is now and where it may be going, you are prepared. Don't be afraid to call- information can only make your mind more at ease with what's possible, and less afraid.


Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

The wedding ring conundrum

I was asked by a friend the other day what she should do with the jewelry given to her by her (now ex) husband. They have 2 young children and she didn't know whether to keep the jewelry (including the wedding rings) or sell them and use the money for the kids. Quite honestly, I had no idea what to tell her. On a personal level, the diamond that I used in my engagement ring was my mom's diamond so I was definitely not going to sell it after I got divorced. I wanted to be able to wear the diamond because it made me think of my mom, but I was surely not going to keep it in an engagement ring setting. My solution: I had the diamond made into a pendant and I had the small stones surrounding the diamond made into earrings for my daughters.

But what to do with my wedding ring? One day when I was going through my jewelry with my youngest, I came across a box I didn't recognize; I opened it up and there was my gold wedding band staring me in the face. It took me a minute to realize that this was my wedding ring- it had been quite some time since I'd seen it. My youngest looked up at me and asked, "Mommy, what is that?" I said "This is my wedding ring from when I was married to your dad." She asked if she could look at it, held it in her hands, and said "When I get older, can I have it?" It was at that moment that I decided, for me, the answer was to keep the ring- not for me, but for my children. "Yes", I said. "You can have it."

Because no matter what the ring meant to me, for my daughter it meant a validation that her parents once loved each other, once cared for each other, and were once happy to be married to each other. While that reality no longer existed, the fact that it EVER existed means a lot to my daughter. So in my case, keeping my wedding ring for my children is the answer, but so is making my engagement ring into different jewelry. It's complicated. My answer is not the answer for everyone, but it's the answer for me.


Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Paying for college

People ask me when they know it's time to modify their divorce decree. In Missouri, the standard is that child support is always modifiable if there are "substantial and continuing" changes that justify a modification. What amounts to "substantial and continuing" changes varies from case to case.

One case where modification is almost always appropriate is when your kids are nearing college-age. Somewhere around 15 or 16 you probably begin thinking about a) where your child will go to college, if they are going to go and b) how will you pay for it? (My finance friends will tell you that you should start thinking about how to pay for college when your child is born, but for the vast majority of people who don't have enough saved to pay for college outright, this becomes a concern as your child enters high school at the latest.) When people have young children (usually under the age of 13) a great many attorneys do not address college tuition because it is just too speculative. Before your child enters high school, you may not know if they are going to college, vocational school, junior college, community college, etc. Because you don't have an idea of where you child may attend school, addressing the issue of who is going to pay for what becomes even more problematic. However, once your child reaches age 15 or so, you begin to have some idea of what they might do after high school. If it seems at all possible that your child is going to do any kind of post-secondary education (even a vocational school), it's a good time to talk to your ex-spouse about how those tuition, room and boarding costs are going to get paid.

Talking to an ex-spouse about money is always difficult; impossible even for some. But when you are talking about your children's future, you should do whatever you can to have an open, honest and frank discussion about where you are and what you each can do to support your child's education. The truth is that, especially in these times, you may need to involve your child in the discussion of how to pay for their education. You may need your child to apply for scholarships or student loans if they want to go to college, or if their ideal college is something out of your budget. Any way you go about it, if you can have a productive discussion about paying for college, if you can agree on who will pay for what and how you are going to pay for it, you will save yourself a lot of aggravation... and attorney's fees. That being said, if there is no talking to your ex-spouse, if you cannot get along at all and cannot have a discussion about paying for college, you should call an attorney sooner rather than later. Waiting until the semester before your child enters college can be too late. I suggest talking to an attorney well before your child is even thinking about where they want to go to school so you can give them a realistic view of what you can afford.

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

New study on single vs. married parents effect on kids- stability is key

New study finds stability and happy household are major factors in children's success rather than marriage http://health.msn.com/kids-health/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100244659>1=31036

Settlement meeting: what it is, what it isn't

People always ask me how long their divorce will take to be finished. The answer is: I have no idea. As an attorney and divorced single mom myself, I understand that you want to get the divorce over with NOW and move on with your life. Unfortunately, because of the court dockets and (sometimes) opposing counsel, these matters don't move as quickly as many would like. One way to make things go a lot quicker, however, is to have a settlement meeting. This has also been called a "cooperative divorce."

What I call a "settlement meeting" is when both sides sit down with their attorneys and try to hash out all of the details of the divorce. This is an attempt to get the divorce done quickly, maintain relationships on all sides and come to an amicable and reasonable agreement that both parties may not love, but can live with. The upsides? You can get your divorce done NOW, your attorneys' fees will be significantly decreased, and you and your ex probably won't hate each other when it's all over. The downside: typically in order to maintain relationships there is a price to pay- usually in the form of money if it's a maintenance case. For example, a friend of mine had an interest in her husband's business. If we were going to do a full valuation of the family business it would have cost her a significant amount of money and we would have to drag many people from the company and family into depositions causing a lot of anger from the family. There were children involved and she wanted to make sure that she preserved the relationships with her soon-to-be-ex in-laws because they would be attending a lot of family events together for the children. As a result, she gave up some of what she could have gotten from a full-scale valuation but in return she has allowed her children the ability to have the entire family get together without a tremendous amount of hostility and anger.

What's the trick to this? Well, you have to have a spirit of cooperation on all sides; that includes the parties AND their attorneys. Typically it all comes down to the attorneys' ability to get along, to work with each other toward a mutually beneficial solution, and to explain to their clients why the settlement is or is not in their best interests- taking into account not just money but the children, relationships and the future. If you are interested in coming to a cooperative solution, choose your attorney well. Everyone wants something different from their attorney. Make sure you are on the same page communicating your goals: what you can live with, what you can't live without- and trust your instincts. You should like your attorney. You should think your attorney has your best interests at heart. I think family law attorneys are 1/2 lawyer and 1/2 counselor. If you don't feel comfortable telling your attorney the whole truth about your situation (the good, the bad and the ugly as I like to say), move on to another attorney until you find the right match.

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

To date or not to date that is the question

A friend of mine called the other day to ask me if she was allowed to start dating. She and her husband are separated and are going through the divorce process but are not yet divorced. My advice was to her as it is to my clients: while you certainly can date pending your divorce, I would wait until after the divorce is final. "Final" meaning everybody has signed the documents or you're waiting for the judge to make a decision on your trial. The reason? Dating too quickly can result in some unintended consequences.

First of all, if you are dating someone while you're still living in the same house as your soon-to-be-ex spouse, that creates tension and stress in an already precarious situation. It's not easy living with someone to whom you will no longer be married. It's already difficult knowing that your marriage is over and that you have decided ending your marriage is better than staying together. Bringing someone new into the picture will simply add to this uncomfortable (to say the least) time period.

Second, if you start dating too quickly, it raises the issue about when, exactly, did you start dating? Was it before you filed for divorce? Did you know this person before you filed? Did you start dating before you separated? When did your romantic relationships outside of the marriage begin? And be warned: the questions that are asked about "romantic" relationships get personal. REALLY personal.

Lastly, I'm of the opinion that it takes awhile for your emotions to get back in check after a divorce- no matter how happy or relieved you are to be done with the marriage and the divorce process. During this transition, is that really a time that you want to meet "the one"? It takes some time to get back to "normal" and your new "normal" may not look or feel anything like your old "normal". I happen to think that's a good thing. In my own situation, my "old normal" - being in a marriage that wasn't working- was not something I wanted to feel again. I wanted to get up on my own two feet and start a new chapter in my life on my terms. Getting to "normal" for me meant getting to live my life the way I wanted- to find out what made me happy and to embrace the changes in my life (scary as they were) and see what this new "normal" life was going to offer. Bottom line: my advice is to wait to start dating until after your divorce is final and you've had some time to process all of the changes in your life. How long that process takes is completely individual; for some it may take 3-6 months, for others 3-6 years. Whatever it is for you- don't rush into anything. Take your time. Enjoy your new found "lease" on life and make the best of it as you can.

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Being nice to the ex

There are times when ex-hubands and wives get along well. There are times when you don't. After 4 years of being divorced, I have now (finally) come to the realization that: 1)you don't have to be friends with your ex and 2) being reasonable and making efforts to get along is not the same as "being friends." I know, you would think that it shouldn't take me 4 years to come to these conclusions- I am a divorce attorney, after all- but I think the issue is that I thought that in order for ex's to get along as "co-parents" they had to get along as friends. Now, I'm not sure that's the case.

A friend of mine said the other day that her ex kept telling people that even though they were divorced, they remained good friends. I asked her, "If you were such good friends, why are you still not married?" What I know today is that navigating an ongoing relationship with your ex can be quite tricky even years after the divorce. Many people think that at some point everything will fall into place and things would be easy. Yet sometimes ex-spouses still have difficulty in dealing with each other--perhaps made more complicated by unresolved issues with the marraige and with each other.

So even when you don't feel like it, you have to work with your ex as a co-parent raising your children. So how do you do it? I try to explain this to my clients- first of all, it's not easy. Second of all, pick your battles. Third of all, see whatever therapist you need to see to help you get through this. What I've found works for alot of people is trying to keep the kids in the front of your mind. Sometimes its means biting your tongue or giving in when you don't want to. Other times it requires you to, firmly but politely, tell your ex that you don't want to hear the personal details of his/her dating life. You don't have to listen to those details to be a good co-parent. It's important sometimes to draw boundaries--again the difference between "being friendly" and being friends. So the bottom line is you do the best you can. When your ex drives you crazy you call a friend or your lawyer and ask them if there is anything you can do about his/her latest antics, and you move on with your life. You realize that your life is better without being in an unhappy marriage, that you are happier on your own and free, and that your life is yours to make of it what you will.

Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Vacation divorce-style

I took my daughters on vacation last week and we had a great time. The only problem occurred before we left. My oldest told me that she was really going to miss her dad while we were gone and wondered why it was that he couldn't come with us and why we couldn't all go on vacation together. So here's the sort of good news/ bad news about getting along with your ex. If my ex and I fought all the time (as plenty of my clients do) then I doubt my children would ever even think to ask about us all going on vacation together and I wouldn't have to answer a crying child about why divorce means not vacationing together. The "problem" is that my ex and I don't fight all the time, and except for a huge blow-out about once a year (usually occurring right around the December holidays/birthdays) we get along pretty well. In fact, we probably get along better now than we did the last year or so that we were married. (Which is sort of like saying "Well now that we're not in hell anymore, it's much cooler").

So how do I explain to my daughter that, even though we get along, her mom and dad aren't going on vacation together? This is how I tried to explain it to her: "It's hard having parents who are divorced. It just is. It's not fair, it's not easy, but it's the best your dad and I can do for us and for you and your sister. We couldn't stay married to each other. We tried really hard, but just couldn't do it. So we thought it would be better for everyone if we got divorced. We both love you very much and neither one of us wants to do anything that makes you sad, but unfortunately sometimes parents can't stay married to each other. Divorce for our family means you have two parents who love you but who can't live together; it means you get to have two houses; and it means you have different vacations with each of us. You can call your dad every day, you can call him more than that if it makes you feel better. But he can't go on vacation with us."

If anyone else has a better option, I'd love to hear from you. I'm always open to trying to figure out better ways to explain divorce and get through each day the best I can.

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.