One of the first things people ask when they are planning to divorce is: should I move out of the house? While the answer to that question depends on your particular circumstances, generally I advise people that: if you do not want the house in the divorce and if your spouse will want the house AND be able to refinance the house in his/her name alone, AND you can come to an agreement on temporary visitation with the children (that is approved by your attorney) while the divorce is pending, you can move out. In most cases, moving out is beneficial to both parties and the children because the tension in the household goes way down when you are no longer living together.
However, there are a couple of circumstances where you should not move out. If there is going to be a custody battle and/or you cannot agree on a temporary visitation schedule with the children (approved by your attorney), you should not move out. In addition, if you are going to sell the house, you may want to stay to make any improvements you need to sell the house. Also, if you are concerned about your spouse doing things to devalue the house pending the sale you should not move out.
As always, you should talk with an attorney before you move out or make any financial decisions pending your divorce. You should also keep in mind that if you do need to stay in the house, it will not be forever, and some relief will come when the divorce is final. While it make be difficult, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Take care,
Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
What if your ex puts the kids in the middle?
When there are children involved in a divorce, in Missouri the court will order a Parenting Plan outlining who has legal and physical custody and/or visitation with the children. Included in this Plan is an order that each parent should refrain from talking about the other parent in a disparaging way in front of the children. The Court does this for many reasons, but primarily to avoid having the children put in the middle of any animosity of the parents. When one parent badmouths the other so much that the children turn against that other parent, it can be considered "alienation of affection".
So what do you do if you are caught in a situation like this: where you ex-spouse is speaking ill of you in front of the kids and putting the kids in the middle? Each situation is different and should be assessed by an attorney, but I have advised clients in the past that when the other parent puts the kids in the middle, it is a violation of the Parenting Plan and because that Plan is an order of the court, the other parent's actions can be considered contemptuous. I have worked with clients to file Motions for Contempt for such behavior. I have also filed Motions to Modify asking the court to modify the Parenting Plan and award sole legal custody to the parent who has been disparaged. It is a lengthy process, can be expensive and the outcome is never guaranteed, I have found that being faced with the Court looking over the other parent's shoulder and having that other parent understand that you will not take their abusive and contemptuous behavior, is sometimes enough to make them step back and think about their actions and refrain from putting the kids in the middle in the future.
Take care,
Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
So what do you do if you are caught in a situation like this: where you ex-spouse is speaking ill of you in front of the kids and putting the kids in the middle? Each situation is different and should be assessed by an attorney, but I have advised clients in the past that when the other parent puts the kids in the middle, it is a violation of the Parenting Plan and because that Plan is an order of the court, the other parent's actions can be considered contemptuous. I have worked with clients to file Motions for Contempt for such behavior. I have also filed Motions to Modify asking the court to modify the Parenting Plan and award sole legal custody to the parent who has been disparaged. It is a lengthy process, can be expensive and the outcome is never guaranteed, I have found that being faced with the Court looking over the other parent's shoulder and having that other parent understand that you will not take their abusive and contemptuous behavior, is sometimes enough to make them step back and think about their actions and refrain from putting the kids in the middle in the future.
Take care,
Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Do I really need an attorney?
Many times, but especially in times of financial crisis, people question whether they need a lawyer to help them get legally separated or divorced. Quite honestly, whether you need an attorney to represent you is going to be determined by the facts of your particular circumstance. Very generally speaking, if you don't have many assets, you don't have children and you are going to support yourself and your spouse is going to support him/herself, then you may not need an attorney. What I would suggest however, in all circumstances, is that you at least speak to an attorney in confidence about your situation. Most attorneys, myself included, do not charge to speak with you for an initial consultation. When you speak with an attorney about your situation, 3 different things can happen- all of them will leave you with peace of mind at the end: 1) the attorney can confirm that you can do this on your own using the forms provided by the Court; 2) the attorney may suggest that s/he prepare the forms for you for a set price and then you can file them and appear in court "pro se" meaning that you will represent yourself; or 3) the attorney may describe that for reasons x, y and z, it's in your best interest to have the attorney represent you in court for all proceedings.
Whatever you do, remember that the more information you have, the better prepared you will be for your divorce, and for your future. I always say is it better to talk with an attorney before you file for divorce rather than having to consult with an attorney after to fix a mistake.
Take care,
Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.Monday, January 12, 2009
Divorce vs. breaking up
People who are going through a divorce come to the realization at some point that getting divorced and breaking up with your ex are two different things. There is a difference between ending your marriage, and ending your connection with someone. Some people "break up" before they get divorced or even separate. Some people go years after a divorce before finally coming to the conclusion that their ex-spouse should no longer be a factor in decisions they make in their lives (notwithstanding those decisions involving the children that need both parents' input).
For example, I know a couple where the husband emotionally left the marriage more than a year before he actually moved out. When they got divorced, it was easier for him to "move on" because he had not been a real part of the marriage for quite some time. He had "broken up" with his wife even while they were actually still married. His wife was a different matter. Even after they were divorced, she and her ex-husband remained friendly, and because she had, for more than a decade, consulted with him before making decisions or called him when something funny/sad/interesting occurred, it took her much longer to break ties with her ex-husband and "break up" with him.
It is common in a divorce for one person to emotionally leave the marriage first. And for the person who is still in the marriage, it can be harder for them to "break up" with their ex-spouse. The shock of separating your lives from each other during the divorce takes its toll and the aftermath of your daily life not involving that other person is a difficult process to get through; but after all of that, after the silence settles in and you realize that you are on your own again, you also have the chance to take complete ownership of your life. When you finally "break up" with your ex, you realize that while you may be on your own again, your life becomes your adventure.
For example, I know a couple where the husband emotionally left the marriage more than a year before he actually moved out. When they got divorced, it was easier for him to "move on" because he had not been a real part of the marriage for quite some time. He had "broken up" with his wife even while they were actually still married. His wife was a different matter. Even after they were divorced, she and her ex-husband remained friendly, and because she had, for more than a decade, consulted with him before making decisions or called him when something funny/sad/interesting occurred, it took her much longer to break ties with her ex-husband and "break up" with him.
It is common in a divorce for one person to emotionally leave the marriage first. And for the person who is still in the marriage, it can be harder for them to "break up" with their ex-spouse. The shock of separating your lives from each other during the divorce takes its toll and the aftermath of your daily life not involving that other person is a difficult process to get through; but after all of that, after the silence settles in and you realize that you are on your own again, you also have the chance to take complete ownership of your life. When you finally "break up" with your ex, you realize that while you may be on your own again, your life becomes your adventure.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Financial information prior to divorce
When you are thinking about getting divorced, you can become overwhelmed with questions, fear and doubt. I tell clients who come in to see me that they need to write down all of their questions and concerns - no matter how big or small- so that we can address every one of their worries. Most of the questions involve custody and finances. With regard to finances, I tell my clients that while they are still married, they need to take stock of their financial situation.
In most relationships one person is the record-keeper; it can be either the wife or the husband depending on the relationship. I think it's about equal as to which it "usually" is. If you are the record-keeper, you probably have a good idea of what your financial situation is: what the cost of the mortgage is per month, what you owe on the house, what day-care costs, what groceries cost each week, what the car insurance is each month, what you owe on credit cards, what checking and savings accounts you have, etc. In that case, when you go see your attorney, you will have a good idea of the amount of money you will need each month after the divorce.
If you are not the record-keeper, you need to make yourself aware of where things stand in your marriage financially. It may be difficult and well outside of your comfort-zone, but you have to force yourself to take stock of your situation. The more information you have and the sooner you can get it, the better off you and your attorney will be. Without this information, you have no way of knowing whether your spouse acted responsibly or squandered assets, nor do you have an idea of what amount of money you will need each month to live when you are on your own. Acquiring this information not only helps you come to terms with your finances, it can also help cuts down on attorneys' fees if you have information at the outset.
In either case, record-keeper or not, you need to make copies of all of your financial documents; this includes credit card statements, stock statements, 401(k) statements, checking and savings accounts, etc. Anywhere there is money from EITHER your or your spouse, you need to have that accounted for in your divorce. No matter what your financial situation, however prosperous or dire the situation may be, you need to arm yourself with information.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
In most relationships one person is the record-keeper; it can be either the wife or the husband depending on the relationship. I think it's about equal as to which it "usually" is. If you are the record-keeper, you probably have a good idea of what your financial situation is: what the cost of the mortgage is per month, what you owe on the house, what day-care costs, what groceries cost each week, what the car insurance is each month, what you owe on credit cards, what checking and savings accounts you have, etc. In that case, when you go see your attorney, you will have a good idea of the amount of money you will need each month after the divorce.
If you are not the record-keeper, you need to make yourself aware of where things stand in your marriage financially. It may be difficult and well outside of your comfort-zone, but you have to force yourself to take stock of your situation. The more information you have and the sooner you can get it, the better off you and your attorney will be. Without this information, you have no way of knowing whether your spouse acted responsibly or squandered assets, nor do you have an idea of what amount of money you will need each month to live when you are on your own. Acquiring this information not only helps you come to terms with your finances, it can also help cuts down on attorneys' fees if you have information at the outset.
In either case, record-keeper or not, you need to make copies of all of your financial documents; this includes credit card statements, stock statements, 401(k) statements, checking and savings accounts, etc. Anywhere there is money from EITHER your or your spouse, you need to have that accounted for in your divorce. No matter what your financial situation, however prosperous or dire the situation may be, you need to arm yourself with information.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)