So there are just some days when you feel like you're off. I had one of those days last week- things just didn't seem to be going my way- including while I was making scrambled eggs, the spatula flew out of my hand splattering eggs all of me and my kitchen. Those are the days when you just know that your ex is going to push your buttons. Something is going to happen and things are just not going to go well. So on those days, when I feel like even gravity is not on my side, I take extra care not to respond to my ex for any reason (except an emergency of course).
I think that one of the things we (try to) learn is when we should keep our mouths shut. I will tell you, for me, that is a lesson I struggle with on a daily basis, but I know for sure that the one person I cannot engage when I am having an off-gravity day is my ex. I've tried before, and finally, after a couple of years of never having that work well, I have learned my lesson not to speak to, email or text my ex-husband. Whenever I do he could say "how are you?" and I would take it the wrong way. So instead, I remind myself that there is nothing that can't wait until tomorrow to respond to. There is nothing so urgent that I have to email him back RIGHT THIS MINUTE- it can wait a couple of hours until after I go to bed, wake up again, and have gravity working on my side again.
If you find that your ex can say things to you that will immediately make your blood pressure go up, that no matter what he or she says, you aren't going to take it well, remember that you don't have to call back right away, you don't have to return the text or email right this minute- it can all wait until gravity is back on your side.
Take care,
Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Showing posts with label divorce advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce advice. Show all posts
Friday, March 6, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Can you be friends with your ex?
I was watching a tv show the other day and 2 of the characters were a divorced couple who were good enough friends to discuss their respective boyfriend/girlfriend issues with each other. And all I could think was: could this happen in real life?
When my good friend first got separated, her soon-to-be-ex told her that he hoped if they got divorced that they could be best friends even though they weren't married. She asked me if I thought that was possible, I told her that I didn't think that was going to happen, but that I hoped they could at least be friends. And while there are many times that they get along really well, that is inevitably followed by one of them doing something to push the other person's buttons and they retreat to barely speaking. The barely-speaking time doesn't last for long, but it does remind them that while you can't undo the past, and while they can forgive things that have happened, they can't forget them.
So while I think at some point, years and years down the road, maybe when you are both involved with other people, it is possible to be friends with your ex, I think it's unrealistic to think that right after divorce, or even a few years after it's over, that you can be friends. But I think that being able to be friends with your ex is not the crucial question, the important question to ask is whether you are being a good co-parent. Are you able to communicate about the children, to let each other know if there are things going on in your lives that will affect the children, and are you careful not to disparage the other parent in front of the kids? These are the issues that are most important.
So the real answer is that as long as you are good co-parents, as long as you don't put the kids in the middle, and as long as you can hold your head high for doing the best that you can today, you are on the right road and you can pat yourself on the back for that.
Take care,
Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
When my good friend first got separated, her soon-to-be-ex told her that he hoped if they got divorced that they could be best friends even though they weren't married. She asked me if I thought that was possible, I told her that I didn't think that was going to happen, but that I hoped they could at least be friends. And while there are many times that they get along really well, that is inevitably followed by one of them doing something to push the other person's buttons and they retreat to barely speaking. The barely-speaking time doesn't last for long, but it does remind them that while you can't undo the past, and while they can forgive things that have happened, they can't forget them.
So while I think at some point, years and years down the road, maybe when you are both involved with other people, it is possible to be friends with your ex, I think it's unrealistic to think that right after divorce, or even a few years after it's over, that you can be friends. But I think that being able to be friends with your ex is not the crucial question, the important question to ask is whether you are being a good co-parent. Are you able to communicate about the children, to let each other know if there are things going on in your lives that will affect the children, and are you careful not to disparage the other parent in front of the kids? These are the issues that are most important.
So the real answer is that as long as you are good co-parents, as long as you don't put the kids in the middle, and as long as you can hold your head high for doing the best that you can today, you are on the right road and you can pat yourself on the back for that.
Take care,
Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Who gets the house?
One of the first things people ask when they are planning to divorce is: should I move out of the house? While the answer to that question depends on your particular circumstances, generally I advise people that: if you do not want the house in the divorce and if your spouse will want the house AND be able to refinance the house in his/her name alone, AND you can come to an agreement on temporary visitation with the children (that is approved by your attorney) while the divorce is pending, you can move out. In most cases, moving out is beneficial to both parties and the children because the tension in the household goes way down when you are no longer living together.
However, there are a couple of circumstances where you should not move out. If there is going to be a custody battle and/or you cannot agree on a temporary visitation schedule with the children (approved by your attorney), you should not move out. In addition, if you are going to sell the house, you may want to stay to make any improvements you need to sell the house. Also, if you are concerned about your spouse doing things to devalue the house pending the sale you should not move out.
As always, you should talk with an attorney before you move out or make any financial decisions pending your divorce. You should also keep in mind that if you do need to stay in the house, it will not be forever, and some relief will come when the divorce is final. While it make be difficult, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Take care,
Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
However, there are a couple of circumstances where you should not move out. If there is going to be a custody battle and/or you cannot agree on a temporary visitation schedule with the children (approved by your attorney), you should not move out. In addition, if you are going to sell the house, you may want to stay to make any improvements you need to sell the house. Also, if you are concerned about your spouse doing things to devalue the house pending the sale you should not move out.
As always, you should talk with an attorney before you move out or make any financial decisions pending your divorce. You should also keep in mind that if you do need to stay in the house, it will not be forever, and some relief will come when the divorce is final. While it make be difficult, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Take care,
Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Do I really need an attorney?
Many times, but especially in times of financial crisis, people question whether they need a lawyer to help them get legally separated or divorced. Quite honestly, whether you need an attorney to represent you is going to be determined by the facts of your particular circumstance. Very generally speaking, if you don't have many assets, you don't have children and you are going to support yourself and your spouse is going to support him/herself, then you may not need an attorney. What I would suggest however, in all circumstances, is that you at least speak to an attorney in confidence about your situation. Most attorneys, myself included, do not charge to speak with you for an initial consultation. When you speak with an attorney about your situation, 3 different things can happen- all of them will leave you with peace of mind at the end: 1) the attorney can confirm that you can do this on your own using the forms provided by the Court; 2) the attorney may suggest that s/he prepare the forms for you for a set price and then you can file them and appear in court "pro se" meaning that you will represent yourself; or 3) the attorney may describe that for reasons x, y and z, it's in your best interest to have the attorney represent you in court for all proceedings.
Whatever you do, remember that the more information you have, the better prepared you will be for your divorce, and for your future. I always say is it better to talk with an attorney before you file for divorce rather than having to consult with an attorney after to fix a mistake.
Take care,
Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.Monday, January 12, 2009
Divorce vs. breaking up
People who are going through a divorce come to the realization at some point that getting divorced and breaking up with your ex are two different things. There is a difference between ending your marriage, and ending your connection with someone. Some people "break up" before they get divorced or even separate. Some people go years after a divorce before finally coming to the conclusion that their ex-spouse should no longer be a factor in decisions they make in their lives (notwithstanding those decisions involving the children that need both parents' input).
For example, I know a couple where the husband emotionally left the marriage more than a year before he actually moved out. When they got divorced, it was easier for him to "move on" because he had not been a real part of the marriage for quite some time. He had "broken up" with his wife even while they were actually still married. His wife was a different matter. Even after they were divorced, she and her ex-husband remained friendly, and because she had, for more than a decade, consulted with him before making decisions or called him when something funny/sad/interesting occurred, it took her much longer to break ties with her ex-husband and "break up" with him.
It is common in a divorce for one person to emotionally leave the marriage first. And for the person who is still in the marriage, it can be harder for them to "break up" with their ex-spouse. The shock of separating your lives from each other during the divorce takes its toll and the aftermath of your daily life not involving that other person is a difficult process to get through; but after all of that, after the silence settles in and you realize that you are on your own again, you also have the chance to take complete ownership of your life. When you finally "break up" with your ex, you realize that while you may be on your own again, your life becomes your adventure.
For example, I know a couple where the husband emotionally left the marriage more than a year before he actually moved out. When they got divorced, it was easier for him to "move on" because he had not been a real part of the marriage for quite some time. He had "broken up" with his wife even while they were actually still married. His wife was a different matter. Even after they were divorced, she and her ex-husband remained friendly, and because she had, for more than a decade, consulted with him before making decisions or called him when something funny/sad/interesting occurred, it took her much longer to break ties with her ex-husband and "break up" with him.
It is common in a divorce for one person to emotionally leave the marriage first. And for the person who is still in the marriage, it can be harder for them to "break up" with their ex-spouse. The shock of separating your lives from each other during the divorce takes its toll and the aftermath of your daily life not involving that other person is a difficult process to get through; but after all of that, after the silence settles in and you realize that you are on your own again, you also have the chance to take complete ownership of your life. When you finally "break up" with your ex, you realize that while you may be on your own again, your life becomes your adventure.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end
I was in the car the other day and heard the song "Closing Time" by Semisonic and one phrase in the song struck me: "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." Could that be any more appropriate for someone facing or contemplating a divorce? It also seemed perfect for this time of year as we say goodbye to this year and look to the future and what next year will bring.
Yes, the end of a marriage can be tragically sad, but as I indicated in my previous blog, it can also be a time of great relief. When I was getting divorced I read a book by author Debbie Ford called "Spiritual Divorce: Divorce as a catalyst for an extraordinary life". At the time, and to this day, I try to look at my divorce as the closing of one book of my life; and the beginning of an entirely new one. While my divorce was an extremely difficult and painful process to go through, I am happier being single than I was in an unhappy marriage. It makes me sad that my marriage didn't work out, but I'm also grateful to not have that constant feeling of tension, anger and fear knotted in my stomach that I felt every time I walked into my house when I was in a really unhappy and unhealthy marriage. Being lonely or scared or sad as a single, divorced mom is still so much better than being married and woefully unhappy. I would rather be lonely and single than lonely and married. And so, hearing that Semisonic song reminded me that while I had hope for a great future with my husband, when that didn't work out and that beginning ended, I can still look to the future to see what's in store for me next.
I wish you all a great and prosperous new year with all its possibilities in this book of your life.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Yes, the end of a marriage can be tragically sad, but as I indicated in my previous blog, it can also be a time of great relief. When I was getting divorced I read a book by author Debbie Ford called "Spiritual Divorce: Divorce as a catalyst for an extraordinary life". At the time, and to this day, I try to look at my divorce as the closing of one book of my life; and the beginning of an entirely new one. While my divorce was an extremely difficult and painful process to go through, I am happier being single than I was in an unhappy marriage. It makes me sad that my marriage didn't work out, but I'm also grateful to not have that constant feeling of tension, anger and fear knotted in my stomach that I felt every time I walked into my house when I was in a really unhappy and unhealthy marriage. Being lonely or scared or sad as a single, divorced mom is still so much better than being married and woefully unhappy. I would rather be lonely and single than lonely and married. And so, hearing that Semisonic song reminded me that while I had hope for a great future with my husband, when that didn't work out and that beginning ended, I can still look to the future to see what's in store for me next.
I wish you all a great and prosperous new year with all its possibilities in this book of your life.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
St. Louis divorce law: in the eyes of someone who's been there
As a divorce lawyer, one of the first things I tell my clients is that I've been there- I know what they are going through. I know the legal pitfalls and the emotional ones. I know that it's easy to tell someone they need to be calm and composed and it's difficult to accomplish that when you are in a difficult situation with an ex-spouse or soon-to-be ex-spouse. My thought is that having a blog explaining these situations, might assist others as they go through this transition in their life.Wishing you all well-Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)