One of my clients came to my office the other day to sign his settlement documents. It was a day filled with both anxiety and hope, sadness and relief. I was very happy for him- he was handling the end of his marriage fairly well and he and his very-soon-to-be-ex wife were getting along better than either of them expected. After he finished signing the paperwork, I gave him my words of warning to newly-divorced men. I thought I would share them with you as well.
For whatever reason, the majority of the time, after a divorce the ex-husband is the first to get a new girlfriend. I must tell you, that no matter how amicable the divorce, no matter how much the ex-wife will be relieved not to be married to her ex-husband anymore, she will most likely turn into a witch with a capital B when hearing about his new "love"/lust. Why is this, you may ask? Why does she care if he dates again? Because she does. Because it's not fair that men go first in the dating world post-divorce, because she wants to get on with her life too but (truth be told) it's hard out there. (See for example, every episode of Sex in the City, Girlfriends, every other show about single women, every self-help book on the shelf... you get my point.) Trust me, the old line about "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" meant ex-wives too.
So what is a newly-dating man to do? Be kind. Don't flaunt your new found happiness. Tread carefully. Be circumspect about bringing this person into your children's lives. I always tell my clients, male or female, to be careful about introducing your kids to your girlfriend/boyfriend too soon... kids get attached quickly and if it doesn't work out, they take break ups hard. Live your life and have a wonderful one at that, but don't rub your ex-spouse's nose in it. Oh, and most of all, pray that she will find someone new and wonderful... then she will stop caring whether you're dating one woman or three, 20 years older or 20 years younger.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Great article
Here's a great article about divorce as a beginning, not just an ending. The assumption that all divorces are devastating isn't always true. Here, divorced women share some of the gifts that divorce brought them healing, independence, and the power to start over.
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlerb.aspx?cp-documentid=19563872&Gt1=32023
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlerb.aspx?cp-documentid=19563872&Gt1=32023
Friday, May 8, 2009
Happy Mothers' Day
I had one of those mornings last week where it was difficult being a single parent. My youngest daughter's school had a breakfast for the moms for Mother's Day. It was a really nice way to start my day (dry muffins and mushy fruit salad notwithstanding). After breakfast I had to say good-bye and that's where it got to be extremely difficult. My daughter looked at me with tears in her eyes and said "I don't want you to go. I miss you when I don't get to see you every day." Needless to say, I then got tears in my eyes as I tried to explain to her that, while I miss her when I'm not with her, I know she's having a great time with her dad and that makes me happy.
People always ask me if it is hard not seeing my children every day. The answer is simply: absolutely. But as I explain to my clients, and as I explain to my children, I would rather my kids got to see their parents as happy and living apart as opposed to tense and living together. As parents we are role models for our kids. And while every day brings challenges, one of my hopes is to raise my daughters to live the best life they can live... however that looks to them. This is one area my ex and I agree on 100%- while it is hard being a single parent, while it is hard to try to explain to your kids why their parents don't live in the same house, while it is hard not being with the girls every day, it's better to be happy and live apart than stay married and miserable.
I get asked sometimes if I like being a divorce attorney and "breaking up marriages." I don't think people understand that when people come to me and ask to get divorced, they are not asking me to break up a happy marriage- they are asking me for a chance to start over, to change the course of their lives from a path that doesn't make them happy. I love being a lawyer and I am grateful to be a divorce attorney because every day I get the chance to help people start a new chapter in their lives- one that hopefully leads them out of misery and into a better place.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
People always ask me if it is hard not seeing my children every day. The answer is simply: absolutely. But as I explain to my clients, and as I explain to my children, I would rather my kids got to see their parents as happy and living apart as opposed to tense and living together. As parents we are role models for our kids. And while every day brings challenges, one of my hopes is to raise my daughters to live the best life they can live... however that looks to them. This is one area my ex and I agree on 100%- while it is hard being a single parent, while it is hard to try to explain to your kids why their parents don't live in the same house, while it is hard not being with the girls every day, it's better to be happy and live apart than stay married and miserable.
I get asked sometimes if I like being a divorce attorney and "breaking up marriages." I don't think people understand that when people come to me and ask to get divorced, they are not asking me to break up a happy marriage- they are asking me for a chance to start over, to change the course of their lives from a path that doesn't make them happy. I love being a lawyer and I am grateful to be a divorce attorney because every day I get the chance to help people start a new chapter in their lives- one that hopefully leads them out of misery and into a better place.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
What to say to the kids
There comes a time when the kids will ask you why you got divorced, why your ex has a new boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. These are difficult questions to answer and you need to be careful how you respond for many reasons including what is in the best interest of the kids and what is in your legal best interest. In Missouri, there is a statute that states (and I'm paraphrasing), absent extraordinary circumstances both parents have an obligation to foster a good relationship between the children and the other parent. This means not just not bad-mouthing the other parent but it also means not demeaning the other parent, not casting doubt on the other parent's fitness, not even rolling your eyes. Yes, I know this is difficult, I've been there. But kids pick up on more than words, kids pick up on emotion, on tension, on bad blood- no matter how well you think you're hiding it.
So what do you do? Because I have kids myself, I sometimes get asked questions by their kids. A friend's daughter once asked me why her ex and his then-girlfriend broke up. My gut response was not pretty to say the least. His girlfriend had been a factor in their marriage and my feelings toward both of them were less than gracious. I stopped for a minute, caught my breath and said "You know, I'm really not sure, but I think this is a good question for you and your dad to discuss. If you want, I'm happy to get your dad on the phone so you can talk to him, or you can just talk to him when you see him next." That seemed to appease my friend's daughter for the moment and we went on with our day.
So my advice to you is, when in doubt, don't answer off the cuff, just send it back to your ex to handle. It is his/her life, s/he makes decisions that affect the children, and it is up to him/her to deal with the repercussions of that. It's not up to you to fix his/her mistake, it's up to you to help your kids through a difficult time without making it more so.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
So what do you do? Because I have kids myself, I sometimes get asked questions by their kids. A friend's daughter once asked me why her ex and his then-girlfriend broke up. My gut response was not pretty to say the least. His girlfriend had been a factor in their marriage and my feelings toward both of them were less than gracious. I stopped for a minute, caught my breath and said "You know, I'm really not sure, but I think this is a good question for you and your dad to discuss. If you want, I'm happy to get your dad on the phone so you can talk to him, or you can just talk to him when you see him next." That seemed to appease my friend's daughter for the moment and we went on with our day.
So my advice to you is, when in doubt, don't answer off the cuff, just send it back to your ex to handle. It is his/her life, s/he makes decisions that affect the children, and it is up to him/her to deal with the repercussions of that. It's not up to you to fix his/her mistake, it's up to you to help your kids through a difficult time without making it more so.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
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