What to say to the kids

There comes a time when the kids will ask you why you got divorced, why your ex has a new boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. These are difficult questions to answer and you need to be careful how you respond for many reasons including what is in the best interest of the kids and what is in your legal best interest. In Missouri, there is a statute that states (and I'm paraphrasing), absent extraordinary circumstances both parents have an obligation to foster a good relationship between the children and the other parent. This means not just not bad-mouthing the other parent but it also means not demeaning the other parent, not casting doubt on the other parent's fitness, not even rolling your eyes. Yes, I know this is difficult, I've been there. But kids pick up on more than words, kids pick up on emotion, on tension, on bad blood- no matter how well you think you're hiding it.

So what do you do? Because I have kids myself, I sometimes get asked questions by their kids. A friend's daughter once asked me why her ex and his then-girlfriend broke up. My gut response was not pretty to say the least. His girlfriend had been a factor in their marriage and my feelings toward both of them were less than gracious. I stopped for a minute, caught my breath and said "You know, I'm really not sure, but I think this is a good question for you and your dad to discuss. If you want, I'm happy to get your dad on the phone so you can talk to him, or you can just talk to him when you see him next." That seemed to appease my friend's daughter for the moment and we went on with our day.

So my advice to you is, when in doubt, don't answer off the cuff, just send it back to your ex to handle. It is his/her life, s/he makes decisions that affect the children, and it is up to him/her to deal with the repercussions of that. It's not up to you to fix his/her mistake, it's up to you to help your kids through a difficult time without making it more so.


Take care, Allison

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