Fall is my favorite season. It's not just the magic of seeing the leaves turn spectacular shades of pink, yellow and orange, or the cool wind blowing through with hints of the winter to come. Fall is my time for action. I look at what is working in my life and what's not, and I figure out what I can do RIGHT NOW to change the things I can. No resolution needed, no writing off what happened this year with prayers that the next will be different; autumn gives you a chance to look at what's happened this year and still DO something about it.
I've come to realize that I'm not the only one who thinks this way. After school starts in September, I get calls from people thinking of divorcing, or modifying their prior divorce decrees. I think that's because it's not just me who looks at Fall as a time for change. I think many people take the time in the Fall to assess where their lives are headed: what's working and what's not. People think: The year's not over, so what can I do to make a difference in my life THIS YEAR? As a divorce attorney, I get calls from people who have taken stock and decided that their marriage is not what they want it to be. Maybe they talk to their spouse, or their best friend, or a therapist, or maybe they call an attorney, just to see "what happens if..."
Many of the conversations I have with people answer just that question: "what if...". They are informational conversations answering the most pressing issues for that person. What will happen to my kids? Should I stay in my house? Am I going to have to pay maintenance? Am I going to have to pay child support? These questions do not have simple answers, but most attorneys will give you a general idea as to what the possible outcomes are for you and your situation. Your attorney can advise you about what you should and should not do, what you should be aware of, what you should be on the lookout for. It's hard to pick up the phone and call with questions. It doesn't mean you're getting divorced. It doesn't mean all hope is lost. It just means you are getting answers to your questions so that, when you take stock of where your life is now and where it may be going, you are prepared. Don't be afraid to call- information can only make your mind more at ease with what's possible, and less afraid.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Agency helps children of divorce in St. Louis
Informative article about a great agency helping kids in St. Louis whose parents are going through divorce: Kids in the Middle. http://www.ksdk.com/news/watercooler/story.aspx?storyid=187440&catid=71
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
The wedding ring conundrum
I was asked by a friend the other day what she should do with the jewelry given to her by her (now ex) husband. They have 2 young children and she didn't know whether to keep the jewelry (including the wedding rings) or sell them and use the money for the kids. Quite honestly, I had no idea what to tell her. On a personal level, the diamond that I used in my engagement ring was my mom's diamond so I was definitely not going to sell it after I got divorced. I wanted to be able to wear the diamond because it made me think of my mom, but I was surely not going to keep it in an engagement ring setting. My solution: I had the diamond made into a pendant and I had the small stones surrounding the diamond made into earrings for my daughters.
But what to do with my wedding ring? One day when I was going through my jewelry with my youngest, I came across a box I didn't recognize; I opened it up and there was my gold wedding band staring me in the face. It took me a minute to realize that this was my wedding ring- it had been quite some time since I'd seen it. My youngest looked up at me and asked, "Mommy, what is that?" I said "This is my wedding ring from when I was married to your dad." She asked if she could look at it, held it in her hands, and said "When I get older, can I have it?" It was at that moment that I decided, for me, the answer was to keep the ring- not for me, but for my children. "Yes", I said. "You can have it."
Because no matter what the ring meant to me, for my daughter it meant a validation that her parents once loved each other, once cared for each other, and were once happy to be married to each other. While that reality no longer existed, the fact that it EVER existed means a lot to my daughter. So in my case, keeping my wedding ring for my children is the answer, but so is making my engagement ring into different jewelry. It's complicated. My answer is not the answer for everyone, but it's the answer for me.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
But what to do with my wedding ring? One day when I was going through my jewelry with my youngest, I came across a box I didn't recognize; I opened it up and there was my gold wedding band staring me in the face. It took me a minute to realize that this was my wedding ring- it had been quite some time since I'd seen it. My youngest looked up at me and asked, "Mommy, what is that?" I said "This is my wedding ring from when I was married to your dad." She asked if she could look at it, held it in her hands, and said "When I get older, can I have it?" It was at that moment that I decided, for me, the answer was to keep the ring- not for me, but for my children. "Yes", I said. "You can have it."
Because no matter what the ring meant to me, for my daughter it meant a validation that her parents once loved each other, once cared for each other, and were once happy to be married to each other. While that reality no longer existed, the fact that it EVER existed means a lot to my daughter. So in my case, keeping my wedding ring for my children is the answer, but so is making my engagement ring into different jewelry. It's complicated. My answer is not the answer for everyone, but it's the answer for me.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Paying for college
People ask me when they know it's time to modify their divorce decree. In Missouri, the standard is that child support is always modifiable if there are "substantial and continuing" changes that justify a modification. What amounts to "substantial and continuing" changes varies from case to case.
One case where modification is almost always appropriate is when your kids are nearing college-age. Somewhere around 15 or 16 you probably begin thinking about a) where your child will go to college, if they are going to go and b) how will you pay for it? (My finance friends will tell you that you should start thinking about how to pay for college when your child is born, but for the vast majority of people who don't have enough saved to pay for college outright, this becomes a concern as your child enters high school at the latest.) When people have young children (usually under the age of 13) a great many attorneys do not address college tuition because it is just too speculative. Before your child enters high school, you may not know if they are going to college, vocational school, junior college, community college, etc. Because you don't have an idea of where you child may attend school, addressing the issue of who is going to pay for what becomes even more problematic. However, once your child reaches age 15 or so, you begin to have some idea of what they might do after high school. If it seems at all possible that your child is going to do any kind of post-secondary education (even a vocational school), it's a good time to talk to your ex-spouse about how those tuition, room and boarding costs are going to get paid.
Talking to an ex-spouse about money is always difficult; impossible even for some. But when you are talking about your children's future, you should do whatever you can to have an open, honest and frank discussion about where you are and what you each can do to support your child's education. The truth is that, especially in these times, you may need to involve your child in the discussion of how to pay for their education. You may need your child to apply for scholarships or student loans if they want to go to college, or if their ideal college is something out of your budget. Any way you go about it, if you can have a productive discussion about paying for college, if you can agree on who will pay for what and how you are going to pay for it, you will save yourself a lot of aggravation... and attorney's fees. That being said, if there is no talking to your ex-spouse, if you cannot get along at all and cannot have a discussion about paying for college, you should call an attorney sooner rather than later. Waiting until the semester before your child enters college can be too late. I suggest talking to an attorney well before your child is even thinking about where they want to go to school so you can give them a realistic view of what you can afford.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
One case where modification is almost always appropriate is when your kids are nearing college-age. Somewhere around 15 or 16 you probably begin thinking about a) where your child will go to college, if they are going to go and b) how will you pay for it? (My finance friends will tell you that you should start thinking about how to pay for college when your child is born, but for the vast majority of people who don't have enough saved to pay for college outright, this becomes a concern as your child enters high school at the latest.) When people have young children (usually under the age of 13) a great many attorneys do not address college tuition because it is just too speculative. Before your child enters high school, you may not know if they are going to college, vocational school, junior college, community college, etc. Because you don't have an idea of where you child may attend school, addressing the issue of who is going to pay for what becomes even more problematic. However, once your child reaches age 15 or so, you begin to have some idea of what they might do after high school. If it seems at all possible that your child is going to do any kind of post-secondary education (even a vocational school), it's a good time to talk to your ex-spouse about how those tuition, room and boarding costs are going to get paid.
Talking to an ex-spouse about money is always difficult; impossible even for some. But when you are talking about your children's future, you should do whatever you can to have an open, honest and frank discussion about where you are and what you each can do to support your child's education. The truth is that, especially in these times, you may need to involve your child in the discussion of how to pay for their education. You may need your child to apply for scholarships or student loans if they want to go to college, or if their ideal college is something out of your budget. Any way you go about it, if you can have a productive discussion about paying for college, if you can agree on who will pay for what and how you are going to pay for it, you will save yourself a lot of aggravation... and attorney's fees. That being said, if there is no talking to your ex-spouse, if you cannot get along at all and cannot have a discussion about paying for college, you should call an attorney sooner rather than later. Waiting until the semester before your child enters college can be too late. I suggest talking to an attorney well before your child is even thinking about where they want to go to school so you can give them a realistic view of what you can afford.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)