What did I do wrong? Maybe nothing at all.

The other day my friend called me upset that her ex-husband wanted to divide up their son's soccer matches so that they would not need to attend at the same time. My friend (we'll call her Kelly) had thought she and her ex-husband got along pretty well, except for the occasional glitch that is almost inevitable with divorced couples. It seems her ex-husband thought Kelly was too boisterous at the games and it made him uncomfortable. (Her ex-husband would stand quietly on the sideline making barely a peep.) "What did I do to make him dislike me so much?" Kelly asked me. "I tried to include him with the other soccer parents when we would go out for pizza, I would introduce him to parents he hadn't met, and now he doesn't want to be at the same matches as me? What did I do wrong?" I thought about it and was reminded about what a good friend of mine once told me, "It may have nothing to do with you. It's all about him. You may have done nothing wrong. It's about his insecurities. Don't beat yourself up about something that may have nothing to do with you."

When we get divorced, there are always reasons things didn't work out. It does take two to get married, but it only takes one to get divorced. I have clients tell me all the time that they don't want to get divorced, but the simple answer is that if one partner wants to get divorced, there is little to nothing the other can do about it. You may still have hope that your marriage can work. You may believe that after you get divorced you can get along well. You may believe that you can go to soccer games together and go out for pizza afterwards together and that you can spend holidays together. But if the other person doesn't want to join in, it won't work. You can't make someone like you and you can't make someone get along with you. Despite you wanting to be able to be amicable and friendly to your ex, they may not want to be friendly to you- and you can't make them do so. And it may have nothing to do with you. It may be that they are still hurting from the divorce. It may be that they are insecure with how well you are doing after the divorce. It may be that their thoughts of post-divorce life are not what they thought/hoped they would be. It may be that your happiness and success post-divorce are a reminder that they are not. There are many reasons why your ex may not want to be your friend- and it may be that none of them have anything to do with you.


Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Be nice?

My friend (we'll call her Mary) emailed me the other day very upset by her fiance's ex-wife. The ex-wife called the fiance to tell him that she would be 30 minutes late to drop the kids off. Problem was: Mary was picking up the kids, not her finance, her fiance was at work and didn't get the message, so Mary didn't get the message either. When the ex-wife dropped the kids off with Mary (who was, at that point, 30 minutes fuming mad), the ex did not say hello to Mary- did not apologize for being late- did not apologize for Mary the miscommunication. "What if anything could be done about this lack of civility?" Mary asked me. My response to my friend: umm... not much. The sad truth is that you can't make someone be nice. You can't make someone be civil. You can't make someone be courteous. And unless there is some kind of abuse or neglect, the courts are almost never going to be involved.

So what is there that you can do? "Little to nothing" doesn't seem like a good answer, but honestly, other than talking yourself hoarse to someone who is probably not going to listen, you can't do much except let time pass. In my experience, after a couple of years, the hurt gets less painful; the anger dissipates; the nastiness aimed at the ex gets less gratifying. After time the bully gets to be less effective. "If you ignore her digs and her insensitivity, if you don't let her see that it bothers you, I really think it will get better over time." I advised Mary. That doesn't make Mary feel better now unfortunately, but maybe it will give her hope for the future.


Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

When you and your ex aren't getting along

The truth is there are going to be times (for some former couples it may be the rule rather than the exception) where you don't get along with your ex. For those former couples who have kids, like it or not (and like THEM or not) you and your ex are going to be in each other's lives, to some extent, for quite some time. When you're not getting along, that can be a painful reminder of your divorce, and it can be disheartening when you question what it is you saw in that person to begin with.

I told a friend of mine who was not getting along with her ex-husband, that instead of bemoaning the fact that she and her ex were not getting along, she should try and look at that as a reminder of how lucky she is to no longer be married to her ex. Just as I think marriage is a day-to-day journey/struggle/promise to choose your partner over and over and over again, not getting along with your ex can be a reminder that you no longer have to choose that person every day. You don't have to choose to laugh at jokes you don't think are funny, you don't have to listen to music you don't want to, you don't have to sit through watching endlessly boring tv that s/he chooses- you have, instead, chosen to get off that hamster wheel of marriage that wasn't working for you. You have, instead, chosen to find out if there's another hamster wheel you'd rather jump on. You have instead, been given the chance to be happy listening to your music, making your own jokes and watching the boring tv shows of your own choosing. When you don't get along with your ex, try to think, for even a second, how grateful you are to no longer be married to that person. Give thanks for a second (or third, or fourth) chance at happiness. Live your life on your terms and on your own hamster wheel.

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Getting along with your ex: a blessing and a curse

So my friend was telling me the other day how well she and her ex-husband get along. They plan birthdays together, they planned their son's bar mitzvah together, and through it all, they got along really well. "It's so nice that you guys do so well together", I mentioned. Yes, she admitted, it was nice, but it was also not without a price.

After her son's bar mitzvah he asked his mom why, if they got along so well, were his parents no longer married. It took my friend a little while to answer. She was happy she and her ex got along well, but she also felt a little bittersweet about the relationship. On the one hand she was thrilled she and her ex were both able to fully participate in their children's' lives. There was no tension between them- no yelling or fighting about who would get which birthday, etc. It was actually (she hesitantly admitted) kind of nice. But then she wondered: what does that mean- assuming it means anything at all? Did that mean she was wrong to get divorced? Did it mean they should think about getting back together?

I thought about it, and realized that the lack of tension, the getting along, the "niceness" of their relationship probably meant one thing: getting divorced was the right thing to do. I remembered when she was really unhappy, when they were struggling to get along, when every moment she was with him she was miserable. It's easy to forget those times when you get along so well. It's easy to let yourself wonder if you made a mistake. It's easy to regret the pain and upheaval divorce can cause for so many people. I try to live my life without regret and I reminded her that she made the same vow when she ultimately decided divorce was the only option for her. She decided to get divorced not because it was the easy thing to do, but because it was the right thing to do. She struggled with making that decision for months. It wasn't something she took lightly and she gave her marriage all that she could- but to no avail. I reminded her that at the time she made the decision to get divorced, it was with the hope that losing the marriage meant saving her family. Getting divorced from her husband would hopefully allow them to parent their children better and to have better lives themselves. Getting along was exactly what she had hoped would happen in the long run. Turns out the "long run" wasn't as long as she thought. Turns out that not being married to each other didn't mean they had to hate each other, but it also didn't mean they should get back together. Getting along meant that her wish that things could be better came true.


Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

And you thought divorce would solve all your problems...

One of the things I've come to realize is that people are surprised that getting divorced doesn't solve all of their problems with their former spouse. Sure, they are no longer married to someone with whom they were unhappy; sure the knot in their stomach when they were driving home is gone- vaporized- once the marriage is over and the legalities are finished; sure they are happier and more hopeful about the future then they have been in a long time; but no, all of their problems do not disappear once the ink on the judge's signature is dry. There are financial and emotional repercussions to getting divorced that are sometimes not felt until years afterwards. There are other "quirks" that exist for many years- marriage or not. Little things like: he forgot to sign your son up for soccer; she didn't bring the cleats to the t-ball game; he doesn't have the right hair bows for the dance recital. Those little things can add up to big aggravations for divorced couples.

A friend of mine called the other day steaming mad that her ex-husband didn't write her email address legibly enough to allow her to get their daughter's dance recital emails. She brought her daughter to dance class last week and all of the other little girls were dressed in the recital outfits but her daughter was not. She asked the front desk when they were notified to send the girls in their recital outfits and she was told that they had sent out reminders via email over the past 3 weeks. She asked to see what email address they were using for her and, because her ex didn't write clearly enough, they were sending hers to the wrong account so she had never received any of their reminders. She was embarrassed that her daughter was not dressed properly, upset that she had to run home and get the right outfit to bring back to the dance studio, and mad that he had put her in this position. She called him immediately and let him have it. He apologized but that didn't make her any less angry. "I thought when I got divorced I wouldn't have to put up with his irresponsibility!" she cried to me. If only that were the case.

It's good to remember that when you have children with someone, even when you get divorced, you are still going to be in each other's lives to some extent. You can minimize contact, absolutely, but there are some things you are still going to have to deal with together. It's not easy. Old feelings and resentments and anxieties can come right back just as they existed when you were married. So what should you do? After you have calmed down (and hopefully you didn't yell too loud for too long) you should realize 1) people are human and they make mistakes and 2) even though this person can still push your buttons, they can't push them as often as they did when you were married so 3) be grateful for at least that small miracle. You can go home to YOUR house where you have YOUR things the way YOU like them and not have to worry that your ex is going to be there. You have your space. You don't have a knot in your stomach when you pull in your driveway. You can look around, think how glad you are that you have hope for the future, how grateful you are that you took steps to make your life the best it can be, and how happy you are to no longer be in a failing marriage. So take a deep breath, pat yourself on the back and look forward to a future of your own making.


Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.