Be nice?

My friend (we'll call her Mary) emailed me the other day very upset by her fiance's ex-wife. The ex-wife called the fiance to tell him that she would be 30 minutes late to drop the kids off. Problem was: Mary was picking up the kids, not her finance, her fiance was at work and didn't get the message, so Mary didn't get the message either. When the ex-wife dropped the kids off with Mary (who was, at that point, 30 minutes fuming mad), the ex did not say hello to Mary- did not apologize for being late- did not apologize for Mary the miscommunication. "What if anything could be done about this lack of civility?" Mary asked me. My response to my friend: umm... not much. The sad truth is that you can't make someone be nice. You can't make someone be civil. You can't make someone be courteous. And unless there is some kind of abuse or neglect, the courts are almost never going to be involved.

So what is there that you can do? "Little to nothing" doesn't seem like a good answer, but honestly, other than talking yourself hoarse to someone who is probably not going to listen, you can't do much except let time pass. In my experience, after a couple of years, the hurt gets less painful; the anger dissipates; the nastiness aimed at the ex gets less gratifying. After time the bully gets to be less effective. "If you ignore her digs and her insensitivity, if you don't let her see that it bothers you, I really think it will get better over time." I advised Mary. That doesn't make Mary feel better now unfortunately, but maybe it will give her hope for the future.


Take care, Allison

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