I've heard the story many times- after divorce Father and Mother reach an agreement that (typically Father) can reduce his child support payments due to reduced income, other financial stressors, etc. Father goes along with paying his support obligation as they've agreed to modify it, and a couple of years later, Mother takes Father to court for his unpaid child support- calculating the unpaid support using the amount dictated by the divorce decree. The results is thousands of dollars of "unpaid" support and interest. I've represented both Fathers and Mothers in this scenario. The truth is, in Missouri, you cannot modify a child support decree without an order from the court.
While I believe it is usually the best intentions that lead parents to agree informally to reduce child support payments, in the end I find that there are hurt feelings and anger after one parent takes the other to court, either denying that the informal agreement took place, or having the court find that such an agreement was not legally binding. It is always in the best interests of the children to have their parents be on as good terms as possible; in some cases that means being friends, in some cases that means friendly, in others cordial and in some it means not being actively angry in front of the children. Going back to court seeking back child support almost never engenders good feelings between the parties.
To avoid this scenario, and to ensure that the party receiving support is being treated fairly and that the party paying support is not setting himself up for allegations of delinquent support, it is best to seek advice from attorneys and formalize the modification through the Court. Better communication and understanding now will lead to fewer arguments and hurt feelings later, and that is surely in the best interest of all parties involved.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
When the family gets involved
For a lot of people, the decision to get divorced is an easy one... until they realize they have to tell their parents. Parental and/or grand parental involvement in a divorce is becoming more and more common, especially when minor children are involved. I remember when I was getting divorced, one of my close relatives told me that she had just seen on the "Today" show that children of divorce were more likely to do poorly in school and have behavioral issues. When did she pass on this sage advice? One month after my divorce was final and my children were 18 months and 4 1/2 years old. I explained to my (hopefully) well-meaning relative that: a) I questioned which group had commissioned this study and what their motives were and b) I didn't believe that the results of that study were actually true. From what I've gathered during my time as a divorce attorney and single mom, it's my belief that kids are better off when their parents are happy. (See article http://www.clasp.org/publications/marriage_brief3_annotated.pdf)
As an attorney, when someone comes into my office with their parent, I am both encouraged and concerned. The parent being there as a support for their child going through a very difficult emotional time is a benefit to that person going through divorce. There are times, however, when the parent wants to sit in on the meeting I have with their child. This concerns me not only because I cannot allow the third party to be there for confidentiality reasons, but my concern is also that that parent is unnecessarily involved in the divorce proceedings. I let my clients know that while I'm happy they have a support system, they also need to understand that their parents should act as that, merely a support, and not dictate the terms of the divorce. As an attorney, it is my job to ensure that my client makes the best decision they can for their own life - that that decision is not unduly influenced by anyone including their parents, soon-to-be-ex-spouse, friends or other family. Gong through a divorce is difficult and you need to have people "on your side" but in a divorce you should be making the best decision you can in consultation with your attorney and not live your life or get divorced based on what someone else believes is "fair" or "right".
Take care,
Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
As an attorney, when someone comes into my office with their parent, I am both encouraged and concerned. The parent being there as a support for their child going through a very difficult emotional time is a benefit to that person going through divorce. There are times, however, when the parent wants to sit in on the meeting I have with their child. This concerns me not only because I cannot allow the third party to be there for confidentiality reasons, but my concern is also that that parent is unnecessarily involved in the divorce proceedings. I let my clients know that while I'm happy they have a support system, they also need to understand that their parents should act as that, merely a support, and not dictate the terms of the divorce. As an attorney, it is my job to ensure that my client makes the best decision they can for their own life - that that decision is not unduly influenced by anyone including their parents, soon-to-be-ex-spouse, friends or other family. Gong through a divorce is difficult and you need to have people "on your side" but in a divorce you should be making the best decision you can in consultation with your attorney and not live your life or get divorced based on what someone else believes is "fair" or "right".
Take care,
Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Get divorced or stay together?
There have been a couple of articles recently stating that people are not getting divorced because they can't afford it. There are others that claim the divorce rate is higher because more financial pressure causes more marriages break up. (See http://www.businessandmedia.org/articles/2008/20080717104138.aspx for an example.)
Either way, the financial realities of divorce are almost always a surprise.
Frequently I'm in a position of having to explain to people what they will be looking at if they get divorced and the reality that they cannot afford to live on their own without 2 incomes makes many people decide to work on their marriage and stay together. In those cases I recommend they see a counselor to assist them.
Yet the question remains- is it better to get divorced or stay married? There are many opinions about this, but having gone through a divorce myself, and helping people get divorced on a daily basis, I often tell people that, while it was a difficult decision to decide to get divorced, I would rather be happy and single than unhappy in a bad marriage. There are still some, though, who are concerned with what people will think of them if they get divorced. I always sound like my mother when I tell people, "Do you really want to be friends with people who will judge you for getting divorced? Who will think less of you for trying to live your best life- divorced or single?"
Being a divorce attorney, a lot of people think I'm an advocate for divorce. I'm really not. I'm an advocate for happiness. If you will be happy staying married, getting some help from a marriage counselor, getting through a rough patch and moving forward with your spouse, then you should stay married. No question. If you are staying married "for the kids", "for the house", "for the neighbors" or for any reason that doesn't involve you being as happy as you can in this moment and for the foreseeable future, then I have one question: why? This is your life, no one will live it for you, no one's judgment matters but your own. Do what will make you happy. If that means getting divorced then go see an attorney- get the best one you can. Get the one who you can confide in and trust in. Get the one best for you.
Take care,
Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Either way, the financial realities of divorce are almost always a surprise.
Frequently I'm in a position of having to explain to people what they will be looking at if they get divorced and the reality that they cannot afford to live on their own without 2 incomes makes many people decide to work on their marriage and stay together. In those cases I recommend they see a counselor to assist them.
Yet the question remains- is it better to get divorced or stay married? There are many opinions about this, but having gone through a divorce myself, and helping people get divorced on a daily basis, I often tell people that, while it was a difficult decision to decide to get divorced, I would rather be happy and single than unhappy in a bad marriage. There are still some, though, who are concerned with what people will think of them if they get divorced. I always sound like my mother when I tell people, "Do you really want to be friends with people who will judge you for getting divorced? Who will think less of you for trying to live your best life- divorced or single?"
Being a divorce attorney, a lot of people think I'm an advocate for divorce. I'm really not. I'm an advocate for happiness. If you will be happy staying married, getting some help from a marriage counselor, getting through a rough patch and moving forward with your spouse, then you should stay married. No question. If you are staying married "for the kids", "for the house", "for the neighbors" or for any reason that doesn't involve you being as happy as you can in this moment and for the foreseeable future, then I have one question: why? This is your life, no one will live it for you, no one's judgment matters but your own. Do what will make you happy. If that means getting divorced then go see an attorney- get the best one you can. Get the one who you can confide in and trust in. Get the one best for you.
Take care,
Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
When to introduce the kids?
People are always concerned about when they (or their ex) should introduce the kids to a person they are dating. I advise my clients that they should introduce the children only when they are sure that this is a person to whom they are committed and believe they will be dating for quite some time. This article is a good summary explaining when and how you can introduce the kids to your new girlfriend/boyfriend.
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlematch.aspx?cp-documentid=17858319>1=32023
The author comments, and I agree, that it is not in the best interest of your children to introduce them to many different girlfriends/boyfriends. Children are already feeling anxious about the divorce and introducing them to someone new quickly is not a good idea either for your children, or for the success of your children's relationship with your new significant other. I encourage you to date, or not date, as you like- you are no longer married, you are out of a bad relationship and you have the freedom to find who you are and what you're looking for so enjoy this new found freedom! However, for your benefit and for the children, wait until you know that you are serious before introducing them to someone new.
Take care,
Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlematch.aspx?cp-documentid=17858319>1=32023
The author comments, and I agree, that it is not in the best interest of your children to introduce them to many different girlfriends/boyfriends. Children are already feeling anxious about the divorce and introducing them to someone new quickly is not a good idea either for your children, or for the success of your children's relationship with your new significant other. I encourage you to date, or not date, as you like- you are no longer married, you are out of a bad relationship and you have the freedom to find who you are and what you're looking for so enjoy this new found freedom! However, for your benefit and for the children, wait until you know that you are serious before introducing them to someone new.
Take care,
Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Friday, March 6, 2009
off-gravity day- learning when you shouldn't talk to your ex
So there are just some days when you feel like you're off. I had one of those days last week- things just didn't seem to be going my way- including while I was making scrambled eggs, the spatula flew out of my hand splattering eggs all of me and my kitchen. Those are the days when you just know that your ex is going to push your buttons. Something is going to happen and things are just not going to go well. So on those days, when I feel like even gravity is not on my side, I take extra care not to respond to my ex for any reason (except an emergency of course).
I think that one of the things we (try to) learn is when we should keep our mouths shut. I will tell you, for me, that is a lesson I struggle with on a daily basis, but I know for sure that the one person I cannot engage when I am having an off-gravity day is my ex. I've tried before, and finally, after a couple of years of never having that work well, I have learned my lesson not to speak to, email or text my ex-husband. Whenever I do he could say "how are you?" and I would take it the wrong way. So instead, I remind myself that there is nothing that can't wait until tomorrow to respond to. There is nothing so urgent that I have to email him back RIGHT THIS MINUTE- it can wait a couple of hours until after I go to bed, wake up again, and have gravity working on my side again.
If you find that your ex can say things to you that will immediately make your blood pressure go up, that no matter what he or she says, you aren't going to take it well, remember that you don't have to call back right away, you don't have to return the text or email right this minute- it can all wait until gravity is back on your side.
Take care,
Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
I think that one of the things we (try to) learn is when we should keep our mouths shut. I will tell you, for me, that is a lesson I struggle with on a daily basis, but I know for sure that the one person I cannot engage when I am having an off-gravity day is my ex. I've tried before, and finally, after a couple of years of never having that work well, I have learned my lesson not to speak to, email or text my ex-husband. Whenever I do he could say "how are you?" and I would take it the wrong way. So instead, I remind myself that there is nothing that can't wait until tomorrow to respond to. There is nothing so urgent that I have to email him back RIGHT THIS MINUTE- it can wait a couple of hours until after I go to bed, wake up again, and have gravity working on my side again.
If you find that your ex can say things to you that will immediately make your blood pressure go up, that no matter what he or she says, you aren't going to take it well, remember that you don't have to call back right away, you don't have to return the text or email right this minute- it can all wait until gravity is back on your side.
Take care,
Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Who's happy about divorce?
So I've heard it said that the only people who are happy in a divorce are the attorneys. As funny as that joke may be, being a divorce attorney myself I can tell you that I really enjoy my job. I think that people who are in an unhappy marriage deserve the chance to get out of that situation - to be happy- alone or with someone else. It's sometimes hard to see the silver lining, though, right after the divorce.
When people come to see me, I tell them that I'm sure things have been difficult, tense, impossible at home, and seeing an attorney is the first step out of a dark tunnel. Now that they have an attorney, it's my job to handle the legal part of it- to take that burden from them. While many are sad about being in my office, they are also usually relieved to have someone completely on their side, and to realize that they are not alone.
In every situation, though, there is always one spouse who is happier about getting divorced than the other. In my experience, that person can be either the husband or wife - it's not gender-specific. It is however, usually the person who has left the marriage first (emotionally or physically) who is happier to be going through a divorce. It's funny, though, when it's all over, when that divorce is signed by the judge and the custody, child support and property issues are resolved, no matter which spouse it is- there is a sense of finally putting the past behind you. It becomes clear that you can finally take control of your own life- decide what you want to do, who you want to be and take that step to getting there all on your own- and no matter who you are, there is always a sense of anticipation about what the future may hold.
Take care,
Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
When people come to see me, I tell them that I'm sure things have been difficult, tense, impossible at home, and seeing an attorney is the first step out of a dark tunnel. Now that they have an attorney, it's my job to handle the legal part of it- to take that burden from them. While many are sad about being in my office, they are also usually relieved to have someone completely on their side, and to realize that they are not alone.
In every situation, though, there is always one spouse who is happier about getting divorced than the other. In my experience, that person can be either the husband or wife - it's not gender-specific. It is however, usually the person who has left the marriage first (emotionally or physically) who is happier to be going through a divorce. It's funny, though, when it's all over, when that divorce is signed by the judge and the custody, child support and property issues are resolved, no matter which spouse it is- there is a sense of finally putting the past behind you. It becomes clear that you can finally take control of your own life- decide what you want to do, who you want to be and take that step to getting there all on your own- and no matter who you are, there is always a sense of anticipation about what the future may hold.
Take care,
Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
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