For a lot of people, the decision to get divorced is an easy one... until they realize they have to tell their parents. Parental and/or grand parental involvement in a divorce is becoming more and more common, especially when minor children are involved. I remember when I was getting divorced, one of my close relatives told me that she had just seen on the "Today" show that children of divorce were more likely to do poorly in school and have behavioral issues. When did she pass on this sage advice? One month after my divorce was final and my children were 18 months and 4 1/2 years old. I explained to my (hopefully) well-meaning relative that: a) I questioned which group had commissioned this study and what their motives were and b) I didn't believe that the results of that study were actually true. From what I've gathered during my time as a divorce attorney and single mom, it's my belief that kids are better off when their parents are happy. (See article http://www.clasp.org/publications/marriage_brief3_annotated.pdf)
As an attorney, when someone comes into my office with their parent, I am both encouraged and concerned. The parent being there as a support for their child going through a very difficult emotional time is a benefit to that person going through divorce. There are times, however, when the parent wants to sit in on the meeting I have with their child. This concerns me not only because I cannot allow the third party to be there for confidentiality reasons, but my concern is also that that parent is unnecessarily involved in the divorce proceedings. I let my clients know that while I'm happy they have a support system, they also need to understand that their parents should act as that, merely a support, and not dictate the terms of the divorce. As an attorney, it is my job to ensure that my client makes the best decision they can for their own life - that that decision is not unduly influenced by anyone including their parents, soon-to-be-ex-spouse, friends or other family. Gong through a divorce is difficult and you need to have people "on your side" but in a divorce you should be making the best decision you can in consultation with your attorney and not live your life or get divorced based on what someone else believes is "fair" or "right".
Take care,
Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Showing posts with label missouri family law blog; missouri family law; missouri divorce attorney; st. louis divorce attorney; starting over after divorce; st.louis family lawyer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label missouri family law blog; missouri family law; missouri divorce attorney; st. louis divorce attorney; starting over after divorce; st.louis family lawyer. Show all posts
Monday, March 23, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Get divorced or stay together?
There have been a couple of articles recently stating that people are not getting divorced because they can't afford it. There are others that claim the divorce rate is higher because more financial pressure causes more marriages break up. (See http://www.businessandmedia.org/articles/2008/20080717104138.aspx for an example.)
Either way, the financial realities of divorce are almost always a surprise.
Frequently I'm in a position of having to explain to people what they will be looking at if they get divorced and the reality that they cannot afford to live on their own without 2 incomes makes many people decide to work on their marriage and stay together. In those cases I recommend they see a counselor to assist them.
Yet the question remains- is it better to get divorced or stay married? There are many opinions about this, but having gone through a divorce myself, and helping people get divorced on a daily basis, I often tell people that, while it was a difficult decision to decide to get divorced, I would rather be happy and single than unhappy in a bad marriage. There are still some, though, who are concerned with what people will think of them if they get divorced. I always sound like my mother when I tell people, "Do you really want to be friends with people who will judge you for getting divorced? Who will think less of you for trying to live your best life- divorced or single?"
Being a divorce attorney, a lot of people think I'm an advocate for divorce. I'm really not. I'm an advocate for happiness. If you will be happy staying married, getting some help from a marriage counselor, getting through a rough patch and moving forward with your spouse, then you should stay married. No question. If you are staying married "for the kids", "for the house", "for the neighbors" or for any reason that doesn't involve you being as happy as you can in this moment and for the foreseeable future, then I have one question: why? This is your life, no one will live it for you, no one's judgment matters but your own. Do what will make you happy. If that means getting divorced then go see an attorney- get the best one you can. Get the one who you can confide in and trust in. Get the one best for you.
Take care,
Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Either way, the financial realities of divorce are almost always a surprise.
Frequently I'm in a position of having to explain to people what they will be looking at if they get divorced and the reality that they cannot afford to live on their own without 2 incomes makes many people decide to work on their marriage and stay together. In those cases I recommend they see a counselor to assist them.
Yet the question remains- is it better to get divorced or stay married? There are many opinions about this, but having gone through a divorce myself, and helping people get divorced on a daily basis, I often tell people that, while it was a difficult decision to decide to get divorced, I would rather be happy and single than unhappy in a bad marriage. There are still some, though, who are concerned with what people will think of them if they get divorced. I always sound like my mother when I tell people, "Do you really want to be friends with people who will judge you for getting divorced? Who will think less of you for trying to live your best life- divorced or single?"
Being a divorce attorney, a lot of people think I'm an advocate for divorce. I'm really not. I'm an advocate for happiness. If you will be happy staying married, getting some help from a marriage counselor, getting through a rough patch and moving forward with your spouse, then you should stay married. No question. If you are staying married "for the kids", "for the house", "for the neighbors" or for any reason that doesn't involve you being as happy as you can in this moment and for the foreseeable future, then I have one question: why? This is your life, no one will live it for you, no one's judgment matters but your own. Do what will make you happy. If that means getting divorced then go see an attorney- get the best one you can. Get the one who you can confide in and trust in. Get the one best for you.
Take care,
Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
When to introduce the kids?
People are always concerned about when they (or their ex) should introduce the kids to a person they are dating. I advise my clients that they should introduce the children only when they are sure that this is a person to whom they are committed and believe they will be dating for quite some time. This article is a good summary explaining when and how you can introduce the kids to your new girlfriend/boyfriend.
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlematch.aspx?cp-documentid=17858319>1=32023
The author comments, and I agree, that it is not in the best interest of your children to introduce them to many different girlfriends/boyfriends. Children are already feeling anxious about the divorce and introducing them to someone new quickly is not a good idea either for your children, or for the success of your children's relationship with your new significant other. I encourage you to date, or not date, as you like- you are no longer married, you are out of a bad relationship and you have the freedom to find who you are and what you're looking for so enjoy this new found freedom! However, for your benefit and for the children, wait until you know that you are serious before introducing them to someone new.
Take care,
Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlematch.aspx?cp-documentid=17858319>1=32023
The author comments, and I agree, that it is not in the best interest of your children to introduce them to many different girlfriends/boyfriends. Children are already feeling anxious about the divorce and introducing them to someone new quickly is not a good idea either for your children, or for the success of your children's relationship with your new significant other. I encourage you to date, or not date, as you like- you are no longer married, you are out of a bad relationship and you have the freedom to find who you are and what you're looking for so enjoy this new found freedom! However, for your benefit and for the children, wait until you know that you are serious before introducing them to someone new.
Take care,
Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
What if your ex puts the kids in the middle?
When there are children involved in a divorce, in Missouri the court will order a Parenting Plan outlining who has legal and physical custody and/or visitation with the children. Included in this Plan is an order that each parent should refrain from talking about the other parent in a disparaging way in front of the children. The Court does this for many reasons, but primarily to avoid having the children put in the middle of any animosity of the parents. When one parent badmouths the other so much that the children turn against that other parent, it can be considered "alienation of affection".
So what do you do if you are caught in a situation like this: where you ex-spouse is speaking ill of you in front of the kids and putting the kids in the middle? Each situation is different and should be assessed by an attorney, but I have advised clients in the past that when the other parent puts the kids in the middle, it is a violation of the Parenting Plan and because that Plan is an order of the court, the other parent's actions can be considered contemptuous. I have worked with clients to file Motions for Contempt for such behavior. I have also filed Motions to Modify asking the court to modify the Parenting Plan and award sole legal custody to the parent who has been disparaged. It is a lengthy process, can be expensive and the outcome is never guaranteed, I have found that being faced with the Court looking over the other parent's shoulder and having that other parent understand that you will not take their abusive and contemptuous behavior, is sometimes enough to make them step back and think about their actions and refrain from putting the kids in the middle in the future.
Take care,
Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
So what do you do if you are caught in a situation like this: where you ex-spouse is speaking ill of you in front of the kids and putting the kids in the middle? Each situation is different and should be assessed by an attorney, but I have advised clients in the past that when the other parent puts the kids in the middle, it is a violation of the Parenting Plan and because that Plan is an order of the court, the other parent's actions can be considered contemptuous. I have worked with clients to file Motions for Contempt for such behavior. I have also filed Motions to Modify asking the court to modify the Parenting Plan and award sole legal custody to the parent who has been disparaged. It is a lengthy process, can be expensive and the outcome is never guaranteed, I have found that being faced with the Court looking over the other parent's shoulder and having that other parent understand that you will not take their abusive and contemptuous behavior, is sometimes enough to make them step back and think about their actions and refrain from putting the kids in the middle in the future.
Take care,
Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
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