A friend of mine called the other day to ask me if she was allowed to start dating. She and her husband are separated and are going through the divorce process but are not yet divorced. My advice was to her as it is to my clients: while you certainly can date pending your divorce, I would wait until after the divorce is final. "Final" meaning everybody has signed the documents or you're waiting for the judge to make a decision on your trial. The reason? Dating too quickly can result in some unintended consequences.
First of all, if you are dating someone while you're still living in the same house as your soon-to-be-ex spouse, that creates tension and stress in an already precarious situation. It's not easy living with someone to whom you will no longer be married. It's already difficult knowing that your marriage is over and that you have decided ending your marriage is better than staying together. Bringing someone new into the picture will simply add to this uncomfortable (to say the least) time period.
Second, if you start dating too quickly, it raises the issue about when, exactly, did you start dating? Was it before you filed for divorce? Did you know this person before you filed? Did you start dating before you separated? When did your romantic relationships outside of the marriage begin? And be warned: the questions that are asked about "romantic" relationships get personal. REALLY personal.
Lastly, I'm of the opinion that it takes awhile for your emotions to get back in check after a divorce- no matter how happy or relieved you are to be done with the marriage and the divorce process. During this transition, is that really a time that you want to meet "the one"? It takes some time to get back to "normal" and your new "normal" may not look or feel anything like your old "normal". I happen to think that's a good thing. In my own situation, my "old normal" - being in a marriage that wasn't working- was not something I wanted to feel again. I wanted to get up on my own two feet and start a new chapter in my life on my terms. Getting to "normal" for me meant getting to live my life the way I wanted- to find out what made me happy and to embrace the changes in my life (scary as they were) and see what this new "normal" life was going to offer. Bottom line: my advice is to wait to start dating until after your divorce is final and you've had some time to process all of the changes in your life. How long that process takes is completely individual; for some it may take 3-6 months, for others 3-6 years. Whatever it is for you- don't rush into anything. Take your time. Enjoy your new found "lease" on life and make the best of it as you can.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Being nice to the ex
There are times when ex-hubands and wives get along well. There are times when you don't. After 4 years of being divorced, I have now (finally) come to the realization that: 1)you don't have to be friends with your ex and 2) being reasonable and making efforts to get along is not the same as "being friends." I know, you would think that it shouldn't take me 4 years to come to these conclusions- I am a divorce attorney, after all- but I think the issue is that I thought that in order for ex's to get along as "co-parents" they had to get along as friends. Now, I'm not sure that's the case.
A friend of mine said the other day that her ex kept telling people that even though they were divorced, they remained good friends. I asked her, "If you were such good friends, why are you still not married?" What I know today is that navigating an ongoing relationship with your ex can be quite tricky even years after the divorce. Many people think that at some point everything will fall into place and things would be easy. Yet sometimes ex-spouses still have difficulty in dealing with each other--perhaps made more complicated by unresolved issues with the marraige and with each other.
So even when you don't feel like it, you have to work with your ex as a co-parent raising your children. So how do you do it? I try to explain this to my clients- first of all, it's not easy. Second of all, pick your battles. Third of all, see whatever therapist you need to see to help you get through this. What I've found works for alot of people is trying to keep the kids in the front of your mind. Sometimes its means biting your tongue or giving in when you don't want to. Other times it requires you to, firmly but politely, tell your ex that you don't want to hear the personal details of his/her dating life. You don't have to listen to those details to be a good co-parent. It's important sometimes to draw boundaries--again the difference between "being friendly" and being friends. So the bottom line is you do the best you can. When your ex drives you crazy you call a friend or your lawyer and ask them if there is anything you can do about his/her latest antics, and you move on with your life. You realize that your life is better without being in an unhappy marriage, that you are happier on your own and free, and that your life is yours to make of it what you will.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
A friend of mine said the other day that her ex kept telling people that even though they were divorced, they remained good friends. I asked her, "If you were such good friends, why are you still not married?" What I know today is that navigating an ongoing relationship with your ex can be quite tricky even years after the divorce. Many people think that at some point everything will fall into place and things would be easy. Yet sometimes ex-spouses still have difficulty in dealing with each other--perhaps made more complicated by unresolved issues with the marraige and with each other.
So even when you don't feel like it, you have to work with your ex as a co-parent raising your children. So how do you do it? I try to explain this to my clients- first of all, it's not easy. Second of all, pick your battles. Third of all, see whatever therapist you need to see to help you get through this. What I've found works for alot of people is trying to keep the kids in the front of your mind. Sometimes its means biting your tongue or giving in when you don't want to. Other times it requires you to, firmly but politely, tell your ex that you don't want to hear the personal details of his/her dating life. You don't have to listen to those details to be a good co-parent. It's important sometimes to draw boundaries--again the difference between "being friendly" and being friends. So the bottom line is you do the best you can. When your ex drives you crazy you call a friend or your lawyer and ask them if there is anything you can do about his/her latest antics, and you move on with your life. You realize that your life is better without being in an unhappy marriage, that you are happier on your own and free, and that your life is yours to make of it what you will.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Monday, August 3, 2009
It's not fair
I represent both men and women in divorce and the one refrain I hear often is "it's not fair." So here's the sad/scary truth about divorce: your two-income/ two-parent life is over when you divorce. For most people, after divorce you won't be able to live in the same house, drive the same car, belong to the same country clubs, have kids in private schools, and pay for 3 vacations a year just like you did when you were married. It's just not fiscally possible. You can't have the same expenses and reduce your income by one whole person; unless you always lived on just your income and saved the other income entirely (if you are, please call me so I can introduce you as "The One" to everyone in the world). It's just not possible to keep the exact same lifestyle on a substantially reduced income. Which leads people to tell me.... "it's not fair."
Let me tell you, that the "it's not fair" refrain is plead by both men and women. (Men in this case representing the higher-income-earners and women representing the stay-at-home mom or lower-income-earners. I apologize for the sexist generalities but it's generally still true, and hey, it's my blog). "Men" tell me that "it's not fair" that she gets (very generally speaking) about 40% of their income for maintenance; women tell me "it's not fair" that they only get 40% of his income. The truth: it's not fair to either. Because divorce isn't fair, it's just reality. Because if you want to stay married and unhappy, you can probably afford more than you can on your own. Because if you choose to stay married and unhappy, maybe you're buying all of things to make you feel better because... you're unhappily married? Maybe life can be simpler with fewer things. Yes, that's a hard one. But you know what, it may not be fair, but it's life. I've told many a client that the financial reality of divorce makes many people cringe and rethink whether they do, in fact, want to get divorced. I can't make that decision for you, but in my opinion, neither should your checkbook. Kids can move to a new house and start a new school.... and they will be ok. It's not the worst thing that can happen. Is it easy? No. But is it worth it for you to be happy? I think so.
Let me tell you, that the "it's not fair" refrain is plead by both men and women. (Men in this case representing the higher-income-earners and women representing the stay-at-home mom or lower-income-earners. I apologize for the sexist generalities but it's generally still true, and hey, it's my blog). "Men" tell me that "it's not fair" that she gets (very generally speaking) about 40% of their income for maintenance; women tell me "it's not fair" that they only get 40% of his income. The truth: it's not fair to either. Because divorce isn't fair, it's just reality. Because if you want to stay married and unhappy, you can probably afford more than you can on your own. Because if you choose to stay married and unhappy, maybe you're buying all of things to make you feel better because... you're unhappily married? Maybe life can be simpler with fewer things. Yes, that's a hard one. But you know what, it may not be fair, but it's life. I've told many a client that the financial reality of divorce makes many people cringe and rethink whether they do, in fact, want to get divorced. I can't make that decision for you, but in my opinion, neither should your checkbook. Kids can move to a new house and start a new school.... and they will be ok. It's not the worst thing that can happen. Is it easy? No. But is it worth it for you to be happy? I think so.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
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