A friend of mine called the other day to ask me if she was allowed to start dating. She and her husband are separated and are going through the divorce process but are not yet divorced. My advice was to her as it is to my clients: while you certainly can date pending your divorce, I would wait until after the divorce is final. "Final" meaning everybody has signed the documents or you're waiting for the judge to make a decision on your trial. The reason? Dating too quickly can result in some unintended consequences.
First of all, if you are dating someone while you're still living in the same house as your soon-to-be-ex spouse, that creates tension and stress in an already precarious situation. It's not easy living with someone to whom you will no longer be married. It's already difficult knowing that your marriage is over and that you have decided ending your marriage is better than staying together. Bringing someone new into the picture will simply add to this uncomfortable (to say the least) time period.
Second, if you start dating too quickly, it raises the issue about when, exactly, did you start dating? Was it before you filed for divorce? Did you know this person before you filed? Did you start dating before you separated? When did your romantic relationships outside of the marriage begin? And be warned: the questions that are asked about "romantic" relationships get personal. REALLY personal.
Lastly, I'm of the opinion that it takes awhile for your emotions to get back in check after a divorce- no matter how happy or relieved you are to be done with the marriage and the divorce process. During this transition, is that really a time that you want to meet "the one"? It takes some time to get back to "normal" and your new "normal" may not look or feel anything like your old "normal". I happen to think that's a good thing. In my own situation, my "old normal" - being in a marriage that wasn't working- was not something I wanted to feel again. I wanted to get up on my own two feet and start a new chapter in my life on my terms. Getting to "normal" for me meant getting to live my life the way I wanted- to find out what made me happy and to embrace the changes in my life (scary as they were) and see what this new "normal" life was going to offer. Bottom line: my advice is to wait to start dating until after your divorce is final and you've had some time to process all of the changes in your life. How long that process takes is completely individual; for some it may take 3-6 months, for others 3-6 years. Whatever it is for you- don't rush into anything. Take your time. Enjoy your new found "lease" on life and make the best of it as you can.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment