Being nice to the ex

There are times when ex-hubands and wives get along well. There are times when you don't. After 4 years of being divorced, I have now (finally) come to the realization that: 1)you don't have to be friends with your ex and 2) being reasonable and making efforts to get along is not the same as "being friends." I know, you would think that it shouldn't take me 4 years to come to these conclusions- I am a divorce attorney, after all- but I think the issue is that I thought that in order for ex's to get along as "co-parents" they had to get along as friends. Now, I'm not sure that's the case.

A friend of mine said the other day that her ex kept telling people that even though they were divorced, they remained good friends. I asked her, "If you were such good friends, why are you still not married?" What I know today is that navigating an ongoing relationship with your ex can be quite tricky even years after the divorce. Many people think that at some point everything will fall into place and things would be easy. Yet sometimes ex-spouses still have difficulty in dealing with each other--perhaps made more complicated by unresolved issues with the marraige and with each other.

So even when you don't feel like it, you have to work with your ex as a co-parent raising your children. So how do you do it? I try to explain this to my clients- first of all, it's not easy. Second of all, pick your battles. Third of all, see whatever therapist you need to see to help you get through this. What I've found works for alot of people is trying to keep the kids in the front of your mind. Sometimes its means biting your tongue or giving in when you don't want to. Other times it requires you to, firmly but politely, tell your ex that you don't want to hear the personal details of his/her dating life. You don't have to listen to those details to be a good co-parent. It's important sometimes to draw boundaries--again the difference between "being friendly" and being friends. So the bottom line is you do the best you can. When your ex drives you crazy you call a friend or your lawyer and ask them if there is anything you can do about his/her latest antics, and you move on with your life. You realize that your life is better without being in an unhappy marriage, that you are happier on your own and free, and that your life is yours to make of it what you will.

Take care, Allison
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