I took my daughters on vacation last week and we had a great time. The only problem occurred before we left. My oldest told me that she was really going to miss her dad while we were gone and wondered why it was that he couldn't come with us and why we couldn't all go on vacation together. So here's the sort of good news/ bad news about getting along with your ex. If my ex and I fought all the time (as plenty of my clients do) then I doubt my children would ever even think to ask about us all going on vacation together and I wouldn't have to answer a crying child about why divorce means not vacationing together. The "problem" is that my ex and I don't fight all the time, and except for a huge blow-out about once a year (usually occurring right around the December holidays/birthdays) we get along pretty well. In fact, we probably get along better now than we did the last year or so that we were married. (Which is sort of like saying "Well now that we're not in hell anymore, it's much cooler").
So how do I explain to my daughter that, even though we get along, her mom and dad aren't going on vacation together? This is how I tried to explain it to her: "It's hard having parents who are divorced. It just is. It's not fair, it's not easy, but it's the best your dad and I can do for us and for you and your sister. We couldn't stay married to each other. We tried really hard, but just couldn't do it. So we thought it would be better for everyone if we got divorced. We both love you very much and neither one of us wants to do anything that makes you sad, but unfortunately sometimes parents can't stay married to each other. Divorce for our family means you have two parents who love you but who can't live together; it means you get to have two houses; and it means you have different vacations with each of us. You can call your dad every day, you can call him more than that if it makes you feel better. But he can't go on vacation with us."
If anyone else has a better option, I'd love to hear from you. I'm always open to trying to figure out better ways to explain divorce and get through each day the best I can.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
Kids stay and parents move out aka the Jon and Kate Custody solution
In the wake of the unsurprising announcement that Jon and Kate Gosselin are divorcing, I anticipate many people asking me if they can do the "Jon and Kate" custody situation. Here are my thoughts.
There are many different custody situations that are available to divorcing couples. People always ask me what's a "typical" custody situation. In Missouri, the "standard" is for dad to have every Wednesday night and every other weekend (Friday night to Sunday evening). That "standard" is actually becoming less and less common. Fathers, it seems, are more involved in their children's lives. Fathers want, not just equal say legally, but equal time with their kids. So how to you accomplish this?
Well, there are usually 2 options. The first is that the week is split 4 nights/ 3 nights. For example, Dad has the kids Wednesday after school until Saturday at 5; Mom has the kids from Saturday at 5 until Wednesday when she drops the kids at school. The other option is that Mom has the kids Monday and Tuesday, Dad has the kids Wednesday and Thursday and they alternate ever other weekend.
The "Jon and Kate" solution of the kids living in the same house and Mom and Dad moving in and out is not very typical and, while it can work for some and may work well for the kids to stay in one place, it presents some very real and difficult issues. First of all, whose house is it? Is it "mom's house" or "dad's house"? Who buys the groceries? Who cleans the house? Who does the laundry? Mom and Dad couldn't live together before, what changes so that they can still share a house? The logistics of this situation are tricky. Because of this, I advise clients against the "sharing a house" custody agreement; that being said, it's not up to me to live my client's lives and it's not up to me to handle the benefits and pitfalls of their particular post-divorce reality, so it's really up to each individual couple to determine what's in the best interest of you, your now-ex-spouse, your kids. Don't worry about what people will think. Don't worry what your in-laws think, your best friend, your neighbor down the street. What works for your family works and that's all that matters.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
There are many different custody situations that are available to divorcing couples. People always ask me what's a "typical" custody situation. In Missouri, the "standard" is for dad to have every Wednesday night and every other weekend (Friday night to Sunday evening). That "standard" is actually becoming less and less common. Fathers, it seems, are more involved in their children's lives. Fathers want, not just equal say legally, but equal time with their kids. So how to you accomplish this?
Well, there are usually 2 options. The first is that the week is split 4 nights/ 3 nights. For example, Dad has the kids Wednesday after school until Saturday at 5; Mom has the kids from Saturday at 5 until Wednesday when she drops the kids at school. The other option is that Mom has the kids Monday and Tuesday, Dad has the kids Wednesday and Thursday and they alternate ever other weekend.
The "Jon and Kate" solution of the kids living in the same house and Mom and Dad moving in and out is not very typical and, while it can work for some and may work well for the kids to stay in one place, it presents some very real and difficult issues. First of all, whose house is it? Is it "mom's house" or "dad's house"? Who buys the groceries? Who cleans the house? Who does the laundry? Mom and Dad couldn't live together before, what changes so that they can still share a house? The logistics of this situation are tricky. Because of this, I advise clients against the "sharing a house" custody agreement; that being said, it's not up to me to live my client's lives and it's not up to me to handle the benefits and pitfalls of their particular post-divorce reality, so it's really up to each individual couple to determine what's in the best interest of you, your now-ex-spouse, your kids. Don't worry about what people will think. Don't worry what your in-laws think, your best friend, your neighbor down the street. What works for your family works and that's all that matters.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
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