Vacation divorce-style

I took my daughters on vacation last week and we had a great time. The only problem occurred before we left. My oldest told me that she was really going to miss her dad while we were gone and wondered why it was that he couldn't come with us and why we couldn't all go on vacation together. So here's the sort of good news/ bad news about getting along with your ex. If my ex and I fought all the time (as plenty of my clients do) then I doubt my children would ever even think to ask about us all going on vacation together and I wouldn't have to answer a crying child about why divorce means not vacationing together. The "problem" is that my ex and I don't fight all the time, and except for a huge blow-out about once a year (usually occurring right around the December holidays/birthdays) we get along pretty well. In fact, we probably get along better now than we did the last year or so that we were married. (Which is sort of like saying "Well now that we're not in hell anymore, it's much cooler").

So how do I explain to my daughter that, even though we get along, her mom and dad aren't going on vacation together? This is how I tried to explain it to her: "It's hard having parents who are divorced. It just is. It's not fair, it's not easy, but it's the best your dad and I can do for us and for you and your sister. We couldn't stay married to each other. We tried really hard, but just couldn't do it. So we thought it would be better for everyone if we got divorced. We both love you very much and neither one of us wants to do anything that makes you sad, but unfortunately sometimes parents can't stay married to each other. Divorce for our family means you have two parents who love you but who can't live together; it means you get to have two houses; and it means you have different vacations with each of us. You can call your dad every day, you can call him more than that if it makes you feel better. But he can't go on vacation with us."

If anyone else has a better option, I'd love to hear from you. I'm always open to trying to figure out better ways to explain divorce and get through each day the best I can.

Take care, Allison

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