Getting along with your ex: a blessing and a curse

So my friend was telling me the other day how well she and her ex-husband get along. They plan birthdays together, they planned their son's bar mitzvah together, and through it all, they got along really well. "It's so nice that you guys do so well together", I mentioned. Yes, she admitted, it was nice, but it was also not without a price.

After her son's bar mitzvah he asked his mom why, if they got along so well, were his parents no longer married. It took my friend a little while to answer. She was happy she and her ex got along well, but she also felt a little bittersweet about the relationship. On the one hand she was thrilled she and her ex were both able to fully participate in their children's' lives. There was no tension between them- no yelling or fighting about who would get which birthday, etc. It was actually (she hesitantly admitted) kind of nice. But then she wondered: what does that mean- assuming it means anything at all? Did that mean she was wrong to get divorced? Did it mean they should think about getting back together?

I thought about it, and realized that the lack of tension, the getting along, the "niceness" of their relationship probably meant one thing: getting divorced was the right thing to do. I remembered when she was really unhappy, when they were struggling to get along, when every moment she was with him she was miserable. It's easy to forget those times when you get along so well. It's easy to let yourself wonder if you made a mistake. It's easy to regret the pain and upheaval divorce can cause for so many people. I try to live my life without regret and I reminded her that she made the same vow when she ultimately decided divorce was the only option for her. She decided to get divorced not because it was the easy thing to do, but because it was the right thing to do. She struggled with making that decision for months. It wasn't something she took lightly and she gave her marriage all that she could- but to no avail. I reminded her that at the time she made the decision to get divorced, it was with the hope that losing the marriage meant saving her family. Getting divorced from her husband would hopefully allow them to parent their children better and to have better lives themselves. Getting along was exactly what she had hoped would happen in the long run. Turns out the "long run" wasn't as long as she thought. Turns out that not being married to each other didn't mean they had to hate each other, but it also didn't mean they should get back together. Getting along meant that her wish that things could be better came true.


Take care, Allison

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