What did I do wrong? Maybe nothing at all.

The other day my friend called me upset that her ex-husband wanted to divide up their son's soccer matches so that they would not need to attend at the same time. My friend (we'll call her Kelly) had thought she and her ex-husband got along pretty well, except for the occasional glitch that is almost inevitable with divorced couples. It seems her ex-husband thought Kelly was too boisterous at the games and it made him uncomfortable. (Her ex-husband would stand quietly on the sideline making barely a peep.) "What did I do to make him dislike me so much?" Kelly asked me. "I tried to include him with the other soccer parents when we would go out for pizza, I would introduce him to parents he hadn't met, and now he doesn't want to be at the same matches as me? What did I do wrong?" I thought about it and was reminded about what a good friend of mine once told me, "It may have nothing to do with you. It's all about him. You may have done nothing wrong. It's about his insecurities. Don't beat yourself up about something that may have nothing to do with you."

When we get divorced, there are always reasons things didn't work out. It does take two to get married, but it only takes one to get divorced. I have clients tell me all the time that they don't want to get divorced, but the simple answer is that if one partner wants to get divorced, there is little to nothing the other can do about it. You may still have hope that your marriage can work. You may believe that after you get divorced you can get along well. You may believe that you can go to soccer games together and go out for pizza afterwards together and that you can spend holidays together. But if the other person doesn't want to join in, it won't work. You can't make someone like you and you can't make someone get along with you. Despite you wanting to be able to be amicable and friendly to your ex, they may not want to be friendly to you- and you can't make them do so. And it may have nothing to do with you. It may be that they are still hurting from the divorce. It may be that they are insecure with how well you are doing after the divorce. It may be that their thoughts of post-divorce life are not what they thought/hoped they would be. It may be that your happiness and success post-divorce are a reminder that they are not. There are many reasons why your ex may not want to be your friend- and it may be that none of them have anything to do with you.


Take care, Allison

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