Changing days

It happened again... my friend's ex-husband asked her to switch dates with him so he could go out of town. She had also asked him to switch dates so she could take her daughters camping, so it was an even exchange, but it still bothered her. She was faced with the same problem that many of my clients face: does she switch with him to keep the peace, also knowing that she will need him to return the favor at some point, or does she decide that he's irking her for one of a hundred reasons and so she'll tell him she can't switch. Just as I advise my clients, I told her I always advise switching days if it's at all feasible and reasonable. I tell my clients: "First of all, it's better for your kids if you can work things out between the two of you. Secondly, you are going to need to switch days with him/her at some point and this will create a precedent of reasonableness between you two. Lastly, if nothing else, it goes into your karma bank as a good deed."

So I told my friend: no matter why it irks her, no matter why her ex drives her crazy sometimes, no matter that is creates a minor hassle for her to move her schedule around, he did not make an unreasonable request to switch days, she can feasibly make the switch, and it will make her feel like she's taking the higher ground for her kids' sake and trying to be a good co-parent. What did she do? She agreed to switch days. After agreeing, I gave her a big pat on the back for acting like a grown-up, I tried to help her think about the future instead of dwelling on the past, I tried to help her focus on why she's a good person rather than ruminating on his faults, and I tried to help her remember that each day, this whole process post-divorce gets just a little easier.

Take care, Allison

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