Can you be friends with your ex?

I was watching a tv show the other day and 2 of the characters were a divorced couple who were good enough friends to discuss their respective boyfriend/girlfriend issues with each other. And all I could think was: could this happen in real life?

When my good friend first got separated, her soon-to-be-ex told her that he hoped if they got divorced that they could be best friends even though they weren't married. She asked me if I thought that was possible, I told her that I didn't think that was going to happen, but that I hoped they could at least be friends. And while there are many times that they get along really well, that is inevitably followed by one of them doing something to push the other person's buttons and they retreat to barely speaking. The barely-speaking time doesn't last for long, but it does remind them that while you can't undo the past, and while they can forgive things that have happened, they can't forget them.

So while I think at some point, years and years down the road, maybe when you are both involved with other people, it is possible to be friends with your ex, I think it's unrealistic to think that right after divorce, or even a few years after it's over, that you can be friends. But I think that being able to be friends with your ex is not the crucial question, the important question to ask is whether you are being a good co-parent. Are you able to communicate about the children, to let each other know if there are things going on in your lives that will affect the children, and are you careful not to disparage the other parent in front of the kids? These are the issues that are most important.

So the real answer is that as long as you are good co-parents, as long as you don't put the kids in the middle, and as long as you can hold your head high for doing the best that you can today, you are on the right road and you can pat yourself on the back for that.

Take care,

Allison

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