Can you be friends with your ex?

I was watching a tv show the other day and 2 of the characters were a divorced couple who were good enough friends to discuss their respective boyfriend/girlfriend issues with each other. And all I could think was: could this happen in real life?

When my good friend first got separated, her soon-to-be-ex told her that he hoped if they got divorced that they could be best friends even though they weren't married. She asked me if I thought that was possible, I told her that I didn't think that was going to happen, but that I hoped they could at least be friends. And while there are many times that they get along really well, that is inevitably followed by one of them doing something to push the other person's buttons and they retreat to barely speaking. The barely-speaking time doesn't last for long, but it does remind them that while you can't undo the past, and while they can forgive things that have happened, they can't forget them.

So while I think at some point, years and years down the road, maybe when you are both involved with other people, it is possible to be friends with your ex, I think it's unrealistic to think that right after divorce, or even a few years after it's over, that you can be friends. But I think that being able to be friends with your ex is not the crucial question, the important question to ask is whether you are being a good co-parent. Are you able to communicate about the children, to let each other know if there are things going on in your lives that will affect the children, and are you careful not to disparage the other parent in front of the kids? These are the issues that are most important.

So the real answer is that as long as you are good co-parents, as long as you don't put the kids in the middle, and as long as you can hold your head high for doing the best that you can today, you are on the right road and you can pat yourself on the back for that.

Take care,

Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Who gets the house?

One of the first things people ask when they are planning to divorce is: should I move out of the house? While the answer to that question depends on your particular circumstances, generally I advise people that: if you do not want the house in the divorce and if your spouse will want the house AND be able to refinance the house in his/her name alone, AND you can come to an agreement on temporary visitation with the children (that is approved by your attorney) while the divorce is pending, you can move out. In most cases, moving out is beneficial to both parties and the children because the tension in the household goes way down when you are no longer living together.

However, there are a couple of circumstances where you should not move out. If there is going to be a custody battle and/or you cannot agree on a temporary visitation schedule with the children (approved by your attorney), you should not move out. In addition, if you are going to sell the house, you may want to stay to make any improvements you need to sell the house. Also, if you are concerned about your spouse doing things to devalue the house pending the sale you should not move out.

As always, you should talk with an attorney before you move out or make any financial decisions pending your divorce. You should also keep in mind that if you do need to stay in the house, it will not be forever, and some relief will come when the divorce is final. While it make be difficult, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Take care,
Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Divorce vs. breaking up

People who are going through a divorce come to the realization at some point that getting divorced and breaking up with your ex are two different things. There is a difference between ending your marriage, and ending your connection with someone. Some people "break up" before they get divorced or even separate. Some people go years after a divorce before finally coming to the conclusion that their ex-spouse should no longer be a factor in decisions they make in their lives (notwithstanding those decisions involving the children that need both parents' input).

For example, I know a couple where the husband emotionally left the marriage more than a year before he actually moved out. When they got divorced, it was easier for him to "move on" because he had not been a real part of the marriage for quite some time. He had "broken up" with his wife even while they were actually still married. His wife was a different matter. Even after they were divorced, she and her ex-husband remained friendly, and because she had, for more than a decade, consulted with him before making decisions or called him when something funny/sad/interesting occurred, it took her much longer to break ties with her ex-husband and "break up" with him.

It is common in a divorce for one person to emotionally leave the marriage first. And for the person who is still in the marriage, it can be harder for them to "break up" with their ex-spouse. The shock of separating your lives from each other during the divorce takes its toll and the aftermath of your daily life not involving that other person is a difficult process to get through; but after all of that, after the silence settles in and you realize that you are on your own again, you also have the chance to take complete ownership of your life. When you finally "break up" with your ex, you realize that while you may be on your own again, your life becomes your adventure.

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.