Peace in the Kingdom

People often ask me for tips on how they can get along better with their ex-spouse so that all parties, the parents and the children, can make an easier transition to a new way of doing things after the separation or divorce. Here's one of my most frequently offered suggestions: respect your ex-spouse's time with the kids and without them. Realize that, just as you make plans (both with and without the children), your ex probably does too. Throwing a constant wrench into those plans leads (in my experience) to instability and resentment.

Respect for the other parent's time shows that you appreciate both the time that parent has with the children as well as the time they do not. As a single parent, I think it is imperative that you set aside time for yourself. Being a single parent, on your own to raise your children, is rewarding and exhausting. You need time to recharge your batteries. You need time to adjust to single life both as a single parent and as a single person. Allowing yourself time away from the children to explore how to be on your own, how to make the most of your life after your divorce, how to adjust emotionally to this new chapter in your life, will also allow you to be the best parent you can be.

I'm not saying you should not be flexible in your custody to accommodate work schedules or special events, but I am saying that you should not impose time with or without the children on your ex-spouse without a good reason. Good boundaries, reinforced by all parties, lead to stability for everyone including the children; it also allows you and your ex to develop your lives separate and apart from each other respectfully. Crossing boundaries, not being considerate of the other person's time can lead to resentment and hostility that benefit no one.


Take care, Allison

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