Broken

My friend John called me the other day to talk to me about a girl he's been dating and to ask my advice. (And while I don't hold myself out as a dating expert AT ALL, I am pretty good with the unsolicited-advice-giving, so when someone actually asks for my advice, I'm all for it.) Anyway, John was concerned because both he and Terri (the new girl, no not her real name) have been dating for a while, both are divorced, and both came from prior relationships where they had been hurt by their partners emotionally. Both felt a little wounded coming out of those past relationships, both felt a little guarded, but both were also optimistic about meeting someone great in the future and riding off into the sunset. (Ok, maybe just Terri thought that; for some reason, I never get the feeling that guys think about riding off into the sunset with a girl- seems much more like a chick-thing. But I digress...)

John was worried that because they had both been through the emotional wringer in the past, that maybe they were too hurt to open up to someone new in the future. I disagree. See, here's the thing: when you get to a certain age (over 35), chances are you have been through a relationship or two and have a couple of battle scars to prove it. You have probably put yourself out there, been in a committed relationship, been hurt or been hurtful, made mistakes, made great stories, made yourself who you are today.

Being a little broken is not a bad thing. They say that a broken bone is stronger after it heals. I think the same thing about emotional breaks. When you have been through a difficult time, when you have loved and been hurt, you are a little broken, you are a little wounded, you are more careful of yourself and your feelings, but you're also probably more concerned and more considerate of the other person too. You will probably let your guard down slower but when you do, you will be rewarded- being able to be who you truly are, not putting up a front, not trying to be something you're not. Having been broken in the past, you will revel in who you are- totally and completely and without pretense- and you will revel in who someone else is- their true self and not who they think you want them to be.

When you are broken you learn to be stronger and more self-sufficient but also more willing to ask for help when you need it. You will open up when you feel ready and comfortable and sure and solid and when you do the floodgates of laughter and intimacy and raw emotion will come pouring through. Being broken means you may not open up as easily, you may not blindly trust immediately, you may not jump into something new without caution; but being broken does mean that you will walk away from the battle knowing you can tackle more and embrace more and love more and show more affection and be more you and be all in and be true to yourself. Being broken is a gift.


Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Life is for the living

I was thinking about this saying the other day. It seems to me this can be read 2 ways: 1) life is for those people who are living and not dead (to help those move on with their life after the loss of a loved one) and 2) it's the living life each day to the fullest that makes it all worth it.

Maybe it's the fact that I just had a birthday, maybe it's because I'm introspective by nature (and yet, I'm a classic extrovert- think about that one for a while. Maybe that means I'm most comfortable thinking about myself while surrounded by a large group of people. But I digress...) but I have to think that there is more to life than just moving from one day to the next without doing some serious questioning about WHY WE ARE HERE and WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO LEARN WHILE WE ARE HERE.

I think that each day brings us challenges to help us confront the demons and struggles that we need to overcome in life. One of mine is focusing on what's right in my life and not what's wrong. I wish I could say I came up with that idea, but I have to give credit to Debbie Ford, author of "The Right Questions: Ten Essential Questions to Guide You to an Extraordinary Life". One of the things she asks is whether you are only focusing on what is wrong in your life, on what is missing. It is not easy to do, to turn that practice around, to be grateful when things are not going your way, to be happy when things don't turn out as you want. It's not easy, but it's worth it to start down that path.

It's worth it to start thinking of your life in terms of what you have to do to "live" it fully. It's worth it to start, today, thinking of what you can do to live more expansively, to fill your life more with gratitude, to focus on all of the good things that are happening and all of the good things that are going to come. It's worth it to start today and ask yourself if you are really living your life and not just going through the motions. Embrace today. Embrace the challenges it has to offer. Embrace the goodness that is present. Let go of the past. Let go of the pain that is holding you back. Let go of the fear that keeps you from deliciously, voraciously devouring all that life has to give you. All the good and all the bad and all of it. ALL OF IT. It's all worth it in the end; to have a life truly lived, actively engaged.

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Just keep swimming

Starting over. For some it's a relief. For others it's a disaster. Usually it's some combination of both. People who come talk to me about getting divorced are either relieved or devastated. But here's the funny thing: once the proceedings get moving, neither party remains fully relieved or fully devastated. The relieved party begins to fully understand the ramifications of their decision,and their relief is tinged with sadness, disappointment and, at times, regret. And the person who was devastated when they first walk in realizes through the process that they are going to be ok; their life may not turn out as they had imagined, but they will survive, they will get through this, and when it's over, they will be more successful and content than they had imagined.

See, divorce is not easy. It may seem like the easy way out, it may be the right thing for you and your family, but it's not a walk in the park. There are emotions tied to ending your marriage- there is not just sadness at your marriage failing and there is not just anger at this person for turning out to be someone completely different than you once thought, but there is also the practical consideration of dividing up belongings, taking what's yours, picking yourself up and moving on to a new chapter in your life.

But here's the thing to remember, your life will not be the same, but it will be ok. You may not stay married forever, but you will also not be miserable forever. You will laugh again, you will cry again, you will make new friends, you may get a new job or a new house or a new haircut or a new lease on life. You will realize that you are in control of your life and you are in control of your destiny and you get to make decisions for you and in your best interest and for your well-being. You will come out of this in one piece. I promise. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It may not be easy but you will get there. As Dory from "Finding Nemo" said "Just keep swimming."


Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Control the things you can

I was reminded the other day by my friend Cathy that we cannot control other people's actions, other people's feelings, other people's reactions. I have to learn that I can only control myself, my actions, my reactions. This is a lesson that is very very hard for me to learn and because of that, it seems that life keeps throwing circumstances in my direction to help me/ force me/ compel me to address this issue.

See, the thing is, I like to know what's going to happen. I like to know the end of the story, the end of the movie, whether a relationship will wind up in love or in friendship or in shambles. I want to know if my energy is well-spent, if I'm being well- received, if I'm well-liked. I need to know that I'm doing the right thing, that I'm not making the wrong move, that I'm making decisions from my heart and my gut, that it will all be ok. The lesson for me is that none of these things is know-able until they come to pass. The lesson is that the more I try to control things, the less like it is that they can be controlled as I would like.

Yes, the irony is that if you try to mold people to feel a certain way, they will rebel and do the opposite. If you try to make circumstances fit your mold, Fate will step in and throw a wrench in your plans to break that mold. The more you want people to like you or love you or respect you, the more you try to bend people to do your will or your bidding, the less likely that is to happen.

So what's a control-freak like me to do? Let go. Really. It's just that easy. Let go. Let circumstances happen as they will. Easier said than done but really there is no alternative. You will meet your friends and your loves and your enemies and eventually your demise at exactly the time those events are supposed to happen- not one second before or after. You can't change that. You can change how you live in the meantime. You can love your life as it is- flaws and all. You can decide to change yourself and your surroundings and your circumstances. You can live your life on your terms, but you can't live someone else's.


Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

April Fools' Day

I hate April Fools' Day. Yep. Hate it now, and have always hated it. I don't like surprises. I like to know what's coming around the corner. I like to plan ahead and prepare myself. So the whole "April Fools' Day" in honor of practical jokes is just about the antithesis of my comfort level.

But here's the real joke. Life is full of surprises. You can plan all you want and there is nothing to say that things are going to work out the way you hoped they would. So what's an obsessive planner to do? Well, when I went to a water park with my kids this year, I was terrified to go down one of the slides with my kids. I worried about breaking my nose, whether I would hit my mouth at the end, and again about breaking my nose. (This is what happens when you grow up in a medical family.) And then I looked at my youngest child's face, so excited to go down this "grown-up" slide with me. Trying her best to be brave and have fun when she was terrified as well. So what did I do? I smiled and I took a breath. And I kept on breathing. In fact I concentrated on my breathing all the way down that damn slide. And you know what? It was really fun! It was fun to be there with my kids and fun to act like a kid and fun just to hang out and not worry about anything except how long the line is to go down the next slide.

So when life throws curve balls at you, first and foremost, take a breath. Realize you don't have to respond or act RIGHT. THIS. MINUTE. to anything. You can take a breath. Then another. Sit with life's surprise for a while. Decide what you want to do... and make a plan.

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Tackling the fear of the unknown in 3 easy steps

One of the greatest fears, they say, is fear of the unknown. (I don't actually know who "they" are, but I have heard that phrase so many times that I am confident more than one person has said it, thus "they" exist). But I digress. When you are faced with a divorce or legal separation, almost all anxiety comes from the fear of what the future will bring. Will I get to keep my house? Will I have to move? Where will I move to? Can I live on one salary? It all adds up to one large looming fear: can I make it on my own?

I am here to tell you: yes you can. It is easier said than done, but it's also easier to tackle than you may think. Here's why, there's this little thing called the Internet that can help you figure out just about anything in the world that needs figuring. First things first. The biggest concern I have seen in most people is their fear about where they will live if they have to move out of their house. So Step 1: take 5 minutes and look online to see what's available and what you can afford. Step 2: look around your house and determine what it is you would take with you if you needed to. Step 3: grab the bills and find out how much it would cost each month to start your "what if" budget. Do these 3 things and all of the sudden, in just an hour or two, you have a "what if" budget for your "what if" house filled with your "what if" furniture. Now breathe. It may not happen. Things may work out in the end and you may reconcile with your spouse. You may not. Either way, you're going to be ok. It's going to be hard because it's going to be new, but that doesn't mean it will be bad or wrong or terrible. It just means life is taking you someplace you may not have seen coming. But you can plan for it. You can take the fear out of the unknown. You can make your "what if" scenario your back-up plan. You can gather your friends and gather your strength and you can get through this. The question is: can you do this on your own? The answer is: yes, and the power is all yours.

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Co-parenting: great idea and a great big headache

I was talking to a friend the other day about how his post-divorce life is going. He told me that he and his wife are trying their best to co-parent but that every time he does something at his house that is different from the way she does it at hers, she threatens to tell her attorney and take him back to court. 2 things: 1)Just because one of you uses time-outs and the other takes away privileges, the Courts do not want to get involved. You can threaten all you want, and you may even get an attorney who will take your case (read: money) to go to Court, but unless there is abuse or neglect, the Courts are not going to get involved in your daily parenting activities. 2) Co-parenting does not mean you do things the exact same way at both homes. Co-parenting does mean that you are both involved in decision-making for your children, you are both involved in activities for your children, you both go to meetings, conferences, school plays, etc for your children, but your homes do not need to be run the same or even remotely similarly. This is a hard fact to get used to. For people who used to live under the same roof and therefore had many of the same rules and regs when it came to handling the kids, having 2 separate homes where you are each free to make your own decisions can be a great thing, and a difficult transition as well. Should you try to be on the same page about responses to issues/questions/concerns the kids have? Sure- it makes it easier on the kids. Can you force the other person to do what you want them to do? Sadly (and I have tried this myself, so I know of what I speak) no. You can't make the other parent do things your way (no matter how right you think you are).

Co-parenting doesn't mean living in lock-step and many times it doesn't even mean you are great friends. What it does mean is that you try to look at things from your kids' perspective to give them the best home life you can- both at your house and your ex's house. It means you support the other parent's decisions to parent the way they choose (assuming the children are not being harmed). Many times it means biting your tongue. Many times it means calling a friend and venting. Many times it's a reminder (yet again) of why you are not married to that person.


Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.