Starting over. For some it's a relief. For others it's a disaster. Usually it's some combination of both. People who come talk to me about getting divorced are either relieved or devastated. But here's the funny thing: once the proceedings get moving, neither party remains fully relieved or fully devastated. The relieved party begins to fully understand the ramifications of their decision,and their relief is tinged with sadness, disappointment and, at times, regret. And the person who was devastated when they first walk in realizes through the process that they are going to be ok; their life may not turn out as they had imagined, but they will survive, they will get through this, and when it's over, they will be more successful and content than they had imagined.
See, divorce is not easy. It may seem like the easy way out, it may be the right thing for you and your family, but it's not a walk in the park. There are emotions tied to ending your marriage- there is not just sadness at your marriage failing and there is not just anger at this person for turning out to be someone completely different than you once thought, but there is also the practical consideration of dividing up belongings, taking what's yours, picking yourself up and moving on to a new chapter in your life.
But here's the thing to remember, your life will not be the same, but it will be ok. You may not stay married forever, but you will also not be miserable forever. You will laugh again, you will cry again, you will make new friends, you may get a new job or a new house or a new haircut or a new lease on life. You will realize that you are in control of your life and you are in control of your destiny and you get to make decisions for you and in your best interest and for your well-being. You will come out of this in one piece. I promise. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It may not be easy but you will get there. As Dory from "Finding Nemo" said "Just keep swimming."
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Control the things you can
I was reminded the other day by my friend Cathy that we cannot control other people's actions, other people's feelings, other people's reactions. I have to learn that I can only control myself, my actions, my reactions. This is a lesson that is very very hard for me to learn and because of that, it seems that life keeps throwing circumstances in my direction to help me/ force me/ compel me to address this issue.
See, the thing is, I like to know what's going to happen. I like to know the end of the story, the end of the movie, whether a relationship will wind up in love or in friendship or in shambles. I want to know if my energy is well-spent, if I'm being well- received, if I'm well-liked. I need to know that I'm doing the right thing, that I'm not making the wrong move, that I'm making decisions from my heart and my gut, that it will all be ok. The lesson for me is that none of these things is know-able until they come to pass. The lesson is that the more I try to control things, the less like it is that they can be controlled as I would like.
Yes, the irony is that if you try to mold people to feel a certain way, they will rebel and do the opposite. If you try to make circumstances fit your mold, Fate will step in and throw a wrench in your plans to break that mold. The more you want people to like you or love you or respect you, the more you try to bend people to do your will or your bidding, the less likely that is to happen.
So what's a control-freak like me to do? Let go. Really. It's just that easy. Let go. Let circumstances happen as they will. Easier said than done but really there is no alternative. You will meet your friends and your loves and your enemies and eventually your demise at exactly the time those events are supposed to happen- not one second before or after. You can't change that. You can change how you live in the meantime. You can love your life as it is- flaws and all. You can decide to change yourself and your surroundings and your circumstances. You can live your life on your terms, but you can't live someone else's.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
See, the thing is, I like to know what's going to happen. I like to know the end of the story, the end of the movie, whether a relationship will wind up in love or in friendship or in shambles. I want to know if my energy is well-spent, if I'm being well- received, if I'm well-liked. I need to know that I'm doing the right thing, that I'm not making the wrong move, that I'm making decisions from my heart and my gut, that it will all be ok. The lesson for me is that none of these things is know-able until they come to pass. The lesson is that the more I try to control things, the less like it is that they can be controlled as I would like.
Yes, the irony is that if you try to mold people to feel a certain way, they will rebel and do the opposite. If you try to make circumstances fit your mold, Fate will step in and throw a wrench in your plans to break that mold. The more you want people to like you or love you or respect you, the more you try to bend people to do your will or your bidding, the less likely that is to happen.
So what's a control-freak like me to do? Let go. Really. It's just that easy. Let go. Let circumstances happen as they will. Easier said than done but really there is no alternative. You will meet your friends and your loves and your enemies and eventually your demise at exactly the time those events are supposed to happen- not one second before or after. You can't change that. You can change how you live in the meantime. You can love your life as it is- flaws and all. You can decide to change yourself and your surroundings and your circumstances. You can live your life on your terms, but you can't live someone else's.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
April Fools' Day
I hate April Fools' Day. Yep. Hate it now, and have always hated it. I don't like surprises. I like to know what's coming around the corner. I like to plan ahead and prepare myself. So the whole "April Fools' Day" in honor of practical jokes is just about the antithesis of my comfort level.
But here's the real joke. Life is full of surprises. You can plan all you want and there is nothing to say that things are going to work out the way you hoped they would. So what's an obsessive planner to do? Well, when I went to a water park with my kids this year, I was terrified to go down one of the slides with my kids. I worried about breaking my nose, whether I would hit my mouth at the end, and again about breaking my nose. (This is what happens when you grow up in a medical family.) And then I looked at my youngest child's face, so excited to go down this "grown-up" slide with me. Trying her best to be brave and have fun when she was terrified as well. So what did I do? I smiled and I took a breath. And I kept on breathing. In fact I concentrated on my breathing all the way down that damn slide. And you know what? It was really fun! It was fun to be there with my kids and fun to act like a kid and fun just to hang out and not worry about anything except how long the line is to go down the next slide.
So when life throws curve balls at you, first and foremost, take a breath. Realize you don't have to respond or act RIGHT. THIS. MINUTE. to anything. You can take a breath. Then another. Sit with life's surprise for a while. Decide what you want to do... and make a plan.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
But here's the real joke. Life is full of surprises. You can plan all you want and there is nothing to say that things are going to work out the way you hoped they would. So what's an obsessive planner to do? Well, when I went to a water park with my kids this year, I was terrified to go down one of the slides with my kids. I worried about breaking my nose, whether I would hit my mouth at the end, and again about breaking my nose. (This is what happens when you grow up in a medical family.) And then I looked at my youngest child's face, so excited to go down this "grown-up" slide with me. Trying her best to be brave and have fun when she was terrified as well. So what did I do? I smiled and I took a breath. And I kept on breathing. In fact I concentrated on my breathing all the way down that damn slide. And you know what? It was really fun! It was fun to be there with my kids and fun to act like a kid and fun just to hang out and not worry about anything except how long the line is to go down the next slide.
So when life throws curve balls at you, first and foremost, take a breath. Realize you don't have to respond or act RIGHT. THIS. MINUTE. to anything. You can take a breath. Then another. Sit with life's surprise for a while. Decide what you want to do... and make a plan.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Tackling the fear of the unknown in 3 easy steps
One of the greatest fears, they say, is fear of the unknown. (I don't actually know who "they" are, but I have heard that phrase so many times that I am confident more than one person has said it, thus "they" exist). But I digress. When you are faced with a divorce or legal separation, almost all anxiety comes from the fear of what the future will bring. Will I get to keep my house? Will I have to move? Where will I move to? Can I live on one salary? It all adds up to one large looming fear: can I make it on my own?
I am here to tell you: yes you can. It is easier said than done, but it's also easier to tackle than you may think. Here's why, there's this little thing called the Internet that can help you figure out just about anything in the world that needs figuring. First things first. The biggest concern I have seen in most people is their fear about where they will live if they have to move out of their house. So Step 1: take 5 minutes and look online to see what's available and what you can afford. Step 2: look around your house and determine what it is you would take with you if you needed to. Step 3: grab the bills and find out how much it would cost each month to start your "what if" budget. Do these 3 things and all of the sudden, in just an hour or two, you have a "what if" budget for your "what if" house filled with your "what if" furniture. Now breathe. It may not happen. Things may work out in the end and you may reconcile with your spouse. You may not. Either way, you're going to be ok. It's going to be hard because it's going to be new, but that doesn't mean it will be bad or wrong or terrible. It just means life is taking you someplace you may not have seen coming. But you can plan for it. You can take the fear out of the unknown. You can make your "what if" scenario your back-up plan. You can gather your friends and gather your strength and you can get through this. The question is: can you do this on your own? The answer is: yes, and the power is all yours.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
I am here to tell you: yes you can. It is easier said than done, but it's also easier to tackle than you may think. Here's why, there's this little thing called the Internet that can help you figure out just about anything in the world that needs figuring. First things first. The biggest concern I have seen in most people is their fear about where they will live if they have to move out of their house. So Step 1: take 5 minutes and look online to see what's available and what you can afford. Step 2: look around your house and determine what it is you would take with you if you needed to. Step 3: grab the bills and find out how much it would cost each month to start your "what if" budget. Do these 3 things and all of the sudden, in just an hour or two, you have a "what if" budget for your "what if" house filled with your "what if" furniture. Now breathe. It may not happen. Things may work out in the end and you may reconcile with your spouse. You may not. Either way, you're going to be ok. It's going to be hard because it's going to be new, but that doesn't mean it will be bad or wrong or terrible. It just means life is taking you someplace you may not have seen coming. But you can plan for it. You can take the fear out of the unknown. You can make your "what if" scenario your back-up plan. You can gather your friends and gather your strength and you can get through this. The question is: can you do this on your own? The answer is: yes, and the power is all yours.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Co-parenting: great idea and a great big headache
I was talking to a friend the other day about how his post-divorce life is going. He told me that he and his wife are trying their best to co-parent but that every time he does something at his house that is different from the way she does it at hers, she threatens to tell her attorney and take him back to court. 2 things: 1)Just because one of you uses time-outs and the other takes away privileges, the Courts do not want to get involved. You can threaten all you want, and you may even get an attorney who will take your case (read: money) to go to Court, but unless there is abuse or neglect, the Courts are not going to get involved in your daily parenting activities. 2) Co-parenting does not mean you do things the exact same way at both homes. Co-parenting does mean that you are both involved in decision-making for your children, you are both involved in activities for your children, you both go to meetings, conferences, school plays, etc for your children, but your homes do not need to be run the same or even remotely similarly. This is a hard fact to get used to. For people who used to live under the same roof and therefore had many of the same rules and regs when it came to handling the kids, having 2 separate homes where you are each free to make your own decisions can be a great thing, and a difficult transition as well. Should you try to be on the same page about responses to issues/questions/concerns the kids have? Sure- it makes it easier on the kids. Can you force the other person to do what you want them to do? Sadly (and I have tried this myself, so I know of what I speak) no. You can't make the other parent do things your way (no matter how right you think you are).
Co-parenting doesn't mean living in lock-step and many times it doesn't even mean you are great friends. What it does mean is that you try to look at things from your kids' perspective to give them the best home life you can- both at your house and your ex's house. It means you support the other parent's decisions to parent the way they choose (assuming the children are not being harmed). Many times it means biting your tongue. Many times it means calling a friend and venting. Many times it's a reminder (yet again) of why you are not married to that person.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Co-parenting doesn't mean living in lock-step and many times it doesn't even mean you are great friends. What it does mean is that you try to look at things from your kids' perspective to give them the best home life you can- both at your house and your ex's house. It means you support the other parent's decisions to parent the way they choose (assuming the children are not being harmed). Many times it means biting your tongue. Many times it means calling a friend and venting. Many times it's a reminder (yet again) of why you are not married to that person.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Friday, February 26, 2010
What did I do wrong? Maybe nothing at all.
The other day my friend called me upset that her ex-husband wanted to divide up their son's soccer matches so that they would not need to attend at the same time. My friend (we'll call her Kelly) had thought she and her ex-husband got along pretty well, except for the occasional glitch that is almost inevitable with divorced couples. It seems her ex-husband thought Kelly was too boisterous at the games and it made him uncomfortable. (Her ex-husband would stand quietly on the sideline making barely a peep.) "What did I do to make him dislike me so much?" Kelly asked me. "I tried to include him with the other soccer parents when we would go out for pizza, I would introduce him to parents he hadn't met, and now he doesn't want to be at the same matches as me? What did I do wrong?" I thought about it and was reminded about what a good friend of mine once told me, "It may have nothing to do with you. It's all about him. You may have done nothing wrong. It's about his insecurities. Don't beat yourself up about something that may have nothing to do with you."
When we get divorced, there are always reasons things didn't work out. It does take two to get married, but it only takes one to get divorced. I have clients tell me all the time that they don't want to get divorced, but the simple answer is that if one partner wants to get divorced, there is little to nothing the other can do about it. You may still have hope that your marriage can work. You may believe that after you get divorced you can get along well. You may believe that you can go to soccer games together and go out for pizza afterwards together and that you can spend holidays together. But if the other person doesn't want to join in, it won't work. You can't make someone like you and you can't make someone get along with you. Despite you wanting to be able to be amicable and friendly to your ex, they may not want to be friendly to you- and you can't make them do so. And it may have nothing to do with you. It may be that they are still hurting from the divorce. It may be that they are insecure with how well you are doing after the divorce. It may be that their thoughts of post-divorce life are not what they thought/hoped they would be. It may be that your happiness and success post-divorce are a reminder that they are not. There are many reasons why your ex may not want to be your friend- and it may be that none of them have anything to do with you.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
When we get divorced, there are always reasons things didn't work out. It does take two to get married, but it only takes one to get divorced. I have clients tell me all the time that they don't want to get divorced, but the simple answer is that if one partner wants to get divorced, there is little to nothing the other can do about it. You may still have hope that your marriage can work. You may believe that after you get divorced you can get along well. You may believe that you can go to soccer games together and go out for pizza afterwards together and that you can spend holidays together. But if the other person doesn't want to join in, it won't work. You can't make someone like you and you can't make someone get along with you. Despite you wanting to be able to be amicable and friendly to your ex, they may not want to be friendly to you- and you can't make them do so. And it may have nothing to do with you. It may be that they are still hurting from the divorce. It may be that they are insecure with how well you are doing after the divorce. It may be that their thoughts of post-divorce life are not what they thought/hoped they would be. It may be that your happiness and success post-divorce are a reminder that they are not. There are many reasons why your ex may not want to be your friend- and it may be that none of them have anything to do with you.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Be nice?
My friend (we'll call her Mary) emailed me the other day very upset by her fiance's ex-wife. The ex-wife called the fiance to tell him that she would be 30 minutes late to drop the kids off. Problem was: Mary was picking up the kids, not her finance, her fiance was at work and didn't get the message, so Mary didn't get the message either. When the ex-wife dropped the kids off with Mary (who was, at that point, 30 minutes fuming mad), the ex did not say hello to Mary- did not apologize for being late- did not apologize for Mary the miscommunication. "What if anything could be done about this lack of civility?" Mary asked me. My response to my friend: umm... not much. The sad truth is that you can't make someone be nice. You can't make someone be civil. You can't make someone be courteous. And unless there is some kind of abuse or neglect, the courts are almost never going to be involved.
So what is there that you can do? "Little to nothing" doesn't seem like a good answer, but honestly, other than talking yourself hoarse to someone who is probably not going to listen, you can't do much except let time pass. In my experience, after a couple of years, the hurt gets less painful; the anger dissipates; the nastiness aimed at the ex gets less gratifying. After time the bully gets to be less effective. "If you ignore her digs and her insensitivity, if you don't let her see that it bothers you, I really think it will get better over time." I advised Mary. That doesn't make Mary feel better now unfortunately, but maybe it will give her hope for the future.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
So what is there that you can do? "Little to nothing" doesn't seem like a good answer, but honestly, other than talking yourself hoarse to someone who is probably not going to listen, you can't do much except let time pass. In my experience, after a couple of years, the hurt gets less painful; the anger dissipates; the nastiness aimed at the ex gets less gratifying. After time the bully gets to be less effective. "If you ignore her digs and her insensitivity, if you don't let her see that it bothers you, I really think it will get better over time." I advised Mary. That doesn't make Mary feel better now unfortunately, but maybe it will give her hope for the future.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
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