Many couples want to get divorced but are having a difficult time figuring out what to do with the marital home. Here is an interesting article on these economic times and strategies for what to do with the house when you want to get divorced.
http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/Banking/HomeFinancing/a-recession-divorce-no-one-wants-the-house.aspx
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
To divorce or not to divorce
I was talking to a good friend the other day about giving people advice regarding whether they should stay together or get divorced. She, as a therapist (and a damn good one at that), and I, as a divorced mom (you thought I was going to say because I am a divorce attorney, didn't you) both realized that we can be biased when it comes to giving advice about whether people should stay together or get divorced.
She was saying that she thinks many couples go through rough patches and too many people are quick on the draw to get divorced. I told her that once people find out that divorce as not as easy as they think, they usually take a good hard second look at their marriage. I often tell people that they really need to decide if getting divorced is the right thing for them, or if they should just consult a good therapist.
One of my jobs is to tell people what their reality may look like after divorce. It can be very eye-opening. Generally speaking, there is just no way to keep the exact same lifestyle that you had when you were married after you get divorced. (This excludes the very wealthy or people with significant assets). Once people get a dose of their post-divorce reality, they sometimes realize that staying married is the better option. I try to counsel them that their best option is whatever will be best for their family, but that if they are truly unhappy being married, getting divorced and starting over can be just what the doctor ordered.
Either way, when you are going through a difficult time and ask advice of others, you should be aware of what people's biases may be. You may not realize that the person you are talking to has an agenda of their own. Remember, all of us are shaped by the circumstances we go through in life and only you know, deep in your gut, what the right thing is. Be happy. Do the best you can for right now. It will all work out how it's supposed to.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
She was saying that she thinks many couples go through rough patches and too many people are quick on the draw to get divorced. I told her that once people find out that divorce as not as easy as they think, they usually take a good hard second look at their marriage. I often tell people that they really need to decide if getting divorced is the right thing for them, or if they should just consult a good therapist.
One of my jobs is to tell people what their reality may look like after divorce. It can be very eye-opening. Generally speaking, there is just no way to keep the exact same lifestyle that you had when you were married after you get divorced. (This excludes the very wealthy or people with significant assets). Once people get a dose of their post-divorce reality, they sometimes realize that staying married is the better option. I try to counsel them that their best option is whatever will be best for their family, but that if they are truly unhappy being married, getting divorced and starting over can be just what the doctor ordered.
Either way, when you are going through a difficult time and ask advice of others, you should be aware of what people's biases may be. You may not realize that the person you are talking to has an agenda of their own. Remember, all of us are shaped by the circumstances we go through in life and only you know, deep in your gut, what the right thing is. Be happy. Do the best you can for right now. It will all work out how it's supposed to.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Reading list for kids
I have been asked by several people to recommend books for children whose parents are separating and/or going through a divorce. A great resource here in St. Louis is Kids in the Middle; here is a link to their recommended book list for children:
http://www.kidsinthemiddle.org/books.htm
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
http://www.kidsinthemiddle.org/books.htm
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Made it through the holidays... now what?
If you made it through the holidays relatively unscathed (emotionally and physically) give yourself a HUGE pat on the back... and breathe. The holidays (from Thanksgiving until Jan. 2nd) are usually the most stressful time during the year to be either a) unhappily married or b) divorced. If you are unhappily married, you may have made a commitment to make this year the year you change your situation. You may have decided to go to marriage counseling, or you may have decided to see an attorney. Since I'm not a licensed counselor, let me address the second option. One of the first things I tell people when they make an appointment to see me is that seeing a divorce attorney does not mean you are getting divorced. It does mean that you are getting information to let you make the best decision possible for you and your family.
People are always surprised by the amount of paperwork and information needed to file for divorce. Seeing a divorce attorney is really just a meeting to figure out: a) whether you can afford to get divorced, b) what are the possible custody arrangements for your kids, c) what information do you need to gather to get this show on the road, d) what steps should you start taking protect yourself as best you can if you do get divorced, e) do you need to hire an attorney and if so, is this the person you want to hire, and f) what will your future look like post-divorce. These are all questions you should ask yourself and the attorney during that first meeting and many attorneys don't charge you for that first meeting. (Make sure to ask if there is a cost for that meeting before you make the appointment!!)
Going to that initial meeting, listening to the advice the attorney has to give, and understanding what is involved in going through a divorce, can be very helpful to you in planning your future. After many of these initial meetings, I have had clients tell me how relieved they are to know what they need to do and what their options are. The options are usually a lot less scary than you imagine; in this case, the old adage about fear of the unknown being the great fear holds true. So arm yourself with information; it doesn't mean the end of your marriage, but it can mean the end to a great deal of worry.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
People are always surprised by the amount of paperwork and information needed to file for divorce. Seeing a divorce attorney is really just a meeting to figure out: a) whether you can afford to get divorced, b) what are the possible custody arrangements for your kids, c) what information do you need to gather to get this show on the road, d) what steps should you start taking protect yourself as best you can if you do get divorced, e) do you need to hire an attorney and if so, is this the person you want to hire, and f) what will your future look like post-divorce. These are all questions you should ask yourself and the attorney during that first meeting and many attorneys don't charge you for that first meeting. (Make sure to ask if there is a cost for that meeting before you make the appointment!!)
Going to that initial meeting, listening to the advice the attorney has to give, and understanding what is involved in going through a divorce, can be very helpful to you in planning your future. After many of these initial meetings, I have had clients tell me how relieved they are to know what they need to do and what their options are. The options are usually a lot less scary than you imagine; in this case, the old adage about fear of the unknown being the great fear holds true. So arm yourself with information; it doesn't mean the end of your marriage, but it can mean the end to a great deal of worry.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Happy Holidays
I heard someone talking the other day about holidays being a time for people to want to come home; and how, for some, when they don't have a home to come to, the holidays can be a very difficult time. It reminded me about the first holidays after a divorce- how hard it can be both for children and for parents. You may think at first that your old traditions are gone because the family you made and thought would be there forever is gone. But I think that with a little thought, you can look at the holidays as a time to embrace those traditions you love, and get rid of those that drove you crazy. Maybe this year it's just going to be you and your kids opening presents and spending the day together. Maybe you'll have friends over and start new traditions with them. Maybe those hectic past holidays of running from one family function to another are over, and maybe that's not a bad thing in your mind.
The thing to remember is that the holidays are what YOU make of them. As a single parent, the good news is, you get to choose what that is. YOU get to decide what to make for dinner, what music to listen to, with whom you want to spend time. You don't have to ask anyone else's opinion- it's all up to you. Embrace this new freedom. Keep the traditions you love and make new memories for you and your children. You can do it. I have faith in you and in your decision to make your life the best it can be. And if all else fails, just remember, in 13 days it will be Jan. 2nd.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
The thing to remember is that the holidays are what YOU make of them. As a single parent, the good news is, you get to choose what that is. YOU get to decide what to make for dinner, what music to listen to, with whom you want to spend time. You don't have to ask anyone else's opinion- it's all up to you. Embrace this new freedom. Keep the traditions you love and make new memories for you and your children. You can do it. I have faith in you and in your decision to make your life the best it can be. And if all else fails, just remember, in 13 days it will be Jan. 2nd.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Getting divorced is easy??
I'm always shocked when I hear a person say that "we" make getting divorced too easy. That person is obviously neither divorced nor have they had someone close to them go through a divorce. I will say, however, that at first blush it can look like getting divorced is easy: let's divide everything up, get a lawyer and go our separate ways. Unfortunately, dividing everything up can be the easy part- it's the aftermath that's difficult.
Leaving aside any of the financial ramifications of divorce which can be extremely difficult, the emotional part of divorce is something that takes people by surprise, no matter how bitter the feelings between the two were before the split. Anyone who has been through a breakup of a non-marital relationship knows how hard it is to sever ties with the other person. You are used to having someone there, having someone to lean on, to talk to, to share your life with; breaking up means that all of that activity stops - and that is hard to get used to. Now take that break-up and multiply it by 10 (if you don't have kids) and 100 if you do have kids. It's the "breaking up" part of divorce that's hard. It's the learning to live on your own, making all decisions on your own, not having someone to share the trials and tribulations of work or family or friends that is strange and new. It's the realization as you reach for the phone that the person you are used to calling on a daily/hourly basis is no longer your go-to person.
You may think laying out how difficult divorce can be is a funny thing coming from a divorce attorney. Let me be clear, I'm not saying you should stay in a bad marriage. In fact, I'm the biggest advocate of "live your best life" (thank you, Oprah) and do whatever you can in this life to make you happy. If that means getting out of a bad marriage- go for it; get your friends together to support you, get a good attorney, and take that leap to do what is best for you. But I would be remiss if I said the path is going to be easy. Is it worth it in the end? ABSOLUTELY. How many times have I said I would rather be lonely and single than lonely and married? How many times have I said my life is different, but much happier and fulfilled, not being in a marriage that wasn't working? Taking the easy way out or the path of least resistance is not always best. It's sometimes the struggle that makes the journey worth it. It's getting through the dark times that makes light at the end so much brighter. It's your life, so live it the best way you can.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Leaving aside any of the financial ramifications of divorce which can be extremely difficult, the emotional part of divorce is something that takes people by surprise, no matter how bitter the feelings between the two were before the split. Anyone who has been through a breakup of a non-marital relationship knows how hard it is to sever ties with the other person. You are used to having someone there, having someone to lean on, to talk to, to share your life with; breaking up means that all of that activity stops - and that is hard to get used to. Now take that break-up and multiply it by 10 (if you don't have kids) and 100 if you do have kids. It's the "breaking up" part of divorce that's hard. It's the learning to live on your own, making all decisions on your own, not having someone to share the trials and tribulations of work or family or friends that is strange and new. It's the realization as you reach for the phone that the person you are used to calling on a daily/hourly basis is no longer your go-to person.
You may think laying out how difficult divorce can be is a funny thing coming from a divorce attorney. Let me be clear, I'm not saying you should stay in a bad marriage. In fact, I'm the biggest advocate of "live your best life" (thank you, Oprah) and do whatever you can in this life to make you happy. If that means getting out of a bad marriage- go for it; get your friends together to support you, get a good attorney, and take that leap to do what is best for you. But I would be remiss if I said the path is going to be easy. Is it worth it in the end? ABSOLUTELY. How many times have I said I would rather be lonely and single than lonely and married? How many times have I said my life is different, but much happier and fulfilled, not being in a marriage that wasn't working? Taking the easy way out or the path of least resistance is not always best. It's sometimes the struggle that makes the journey worth it. It's getting through the dark times that makes light at the end so much brighter. It's your life, so live it the best way you can.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
The Fall: A time for action
Fall is my favorite season. It's not just the magic of seeing the leaves turn spectacular shades of pink, yellow and orange, or the cool wind blowing through with hints of the winter to come. Fall is my time for action. I look at what is working in my life and what's not, and I figure out what I can do RIGHT NOW to change the things I can. No resolution needed, no writing off what happened this year with prayers that the next will be different; autumn gives you a chance to look at what's happened this year and still DO something about it.
I've come to realize that I'm not the only one who thinks this way. After school starts in September, I get calls from people thinking of divorcing, or modifying their prior divorce decrees. I think that's because it's not just me who looks at Fall as a time for change. I think many people take the time in the Fall to assess where their lives are headed: what's working and what's not. People think: The year's not over, so what can I do to make a difference in my life THIS YEAR? As a divorce attorney, I get calls from people who have taken stock and decided that their marriage is not what they want it to be. Maybe they talk to their spouse, or their best friend, or a therapist, or maybe they call an attorney, just to see "what happens if..."
Many of the conversations I have with people answer just that question: "what if...". They are informational conversations answering the most pressing issues for that person. What will happen to my kids? Should I stay in my house? Am I going to have to pay maintenance? Am I going to have to pay child support? These questions do not have simple answers, but most attorneys will give you a general idea as to what the possible outcomes are for you and your situation. Your attorney can advise you about what you should and should not do, what you should be aware of, what you should be on the lookout for. It's hard to pick up the phone and call with questions. It doesn't mean you're getting divorced. It doesn't mean all hope is lost. It just means you are getting answers to your questions so that, when you take stock of where your life is now and where it may be going, you are prepared. Don't be afraid to call- information can only make your mind more at ease with what's possible, and less afraid.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
I've come to realize that I'm not the only one who thinks this way. After school starts in September, I get calls from people thinking of divorcing, or modifying their prior divorce decrees. I think that's because it's not just me who looks at Fall as a time for change. I think many people take the time in the Fall to assess where their lives are headed: what's working and what's not. People think: The year's not over, so what can I do to make a difference in my life THIS YEAR? As a divorce attorney, I get calls from people who have taken stock and decided that their marriage is not what they want it to be. Maybe they talk to their spouse, or their best friend, or a therapist, or maybe they call an attorney, just to see "what happens if..."
Many of the conversations I have with people answer just that question: "what if...". They are informational conversations answering the most pressing issues for that person. What will happen to my kids? Should I stay in my house? Am I going to have to pay maintenance? Am I going to have to pay child support? These questions do not have simple answers, but most attorneys will give you a general idea as to what the possible outcomes are for you and your situation. Your attorney can advise you about what you should and should not do, what you should be aware of, what you should be on the lookout for. It's hard to pick up the phone and call with questions. It doesn't mean you're getting divorced. It doesn't mean all hope is lost. It just means you are getting answers to your questions so that, when you take stock of where your life is now and where it may be going, you are prepared. Don't be afraid to call- information can only make your mind more at ease with what's possible, and less afraid.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
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