The truth is there are going to be times (for some former couples it may be the rule rather than the exception) where you don't get along with your ex. For those former couples who have kids, like it or not (and like THEM or not) you and your ex are going to be in each other's lives, to some extent, for quite some time. When you're not getting along, that can be a painful reminder of your divorce, and it can be disheartening when you question what it is you saw in that person to begin with.
I told a friend of mine who was not getting along with her ex-husband, that instead of bemoaning the fact that she and her ex were not getting along, she should try and look at that as a reminder of how lucky she is to no longer be married to her ex. Just as I think marriage is a day-to-day journey/struggle/promise to choose your partner over and over and over again, not getting along with your ex can be a reminder that you no longer have to choose that person every day. You don't have to choose to laugh at jokes you don't think are funny, you don't have to listen to music you don't want to, you don't have to sit through watching endlessly boring tv that s/he chooses- you have, instead, chosen to get off that hamster wheel of marriage that wasn't working for you. You have, instead, chosen to find out if there's another hamster wheel you'd rather jump on. You have instead, been given the chance to be happy listening to your music, making your own jokes and watching the boring tv shows of your own choosing. When you don't get along with your ex, try to think, for even a second, how grateful you are to no longer be married to that person. Give thanks for a second (or third, or fourth) chance at happiness. Live your life on your terms and on your own hamster wheel.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Getting along with your ex: a blessing and a curse
So my friend was telling me the other day how well she and her ex-husband get along. They plan birthdays together, they planned their son's bar mitzvah together, and through it all, they got along really well. "It's so nice that you guys do so well together", I mentioned. Yes, she admitted, it was nice, but it was also not without a price.
After her son's bar mitzvah he asked his mom why, if they got along so well, were his parents no longer married. It took my friend a little while to answer. She was happy she and her ex got along well, but she also felt a little bittersweet about the relationship. On the one hand she was thrilled she and her ex were both able to fully participate in their children's' lives. There was no tension between them- no yelling or fighting about who would get which birthday, etc. It was actually (she hesitantly admitted) kind of nice. But then she wondered: what does that mean- assuming it means anything at all? Did that mean she was wrong to get divorced? Did it mean they should think about getting back together?
I thought about it, and realized that the lack of tension, the getting along, the "niceness" of their relationship probably meant one thing: getting divorced was the right thing to do. I remembered when she was really unhappy, when they were struggling to get along, when every moment she was with him she was miserable. It's easy to forget those times when you get along so well. It's easy to let yourself wonder if you made a mistake. It's easy to regret the pain and upheaval divorce can cause for so many people. I try to live my life without regret and I reminded her that she made the same vow when she ultimately decided divorce was the only option for her. She decided to get divorced not because it was the easy thing to do, but because it was the right thing to do. She struggled with making that decision for months. It wasn't something she took lightly and she gave her marriage all that she could- but to no avail. I reminded her that at the time she made the decision to get divorced, it was with the hope that losing the marriage meant saving her family. Getting divorced from her husband would hopefully allow them to parent their children better and to have better lives themselves. Getting along was exactly what she had hoped would happen in the long run. Turns out the "long run" wasn't as long as she thought. Turns out that not being married to each other didn't mean they had to hate each other, but it also didn't mean they should get back together. Getting along meant that her wish that things could be better came true.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
After her son's bar mitzvah he asked his mom why, if they got along so well, were his parents no longer married. It took my friend a little while to answer. She was happy she and her ex got along well, but she also felt a little bittersweet about the relationship. On the one hand she was thrilled she and her ex were both able to fully participate in their children's' lives. There was no tension between them- no yelling or fighting about who would get which birthday, etc. It was actually (she hesitantly admitted) kind of nice. But then she wondered: what does that mean- assuming it means anything at all? Did that mean she was wrong to get divorced? Did it mean they should think about getting back together?
I thought about it, and realized that the lack of tension, the getting along, the "niceness" of their relationship probably meant one thing: getting divorced was the right thing to do. I remembered when she was really unhappy, when they were struggling to get along, when every moment she was with him she was miserable. It's easy to forget those times when you get along so well. It's easy to let yourself wonder if you made a mistake. It's easy to regret the pain and upheaval divorce can cause for so many people. I try to live my life without regret and I reminded her that she made the same vow when she ultimately decided divorce was the only option for her. She decided to get divorced not because it was the easy thing to do, but because it was the right thing to do. She struggled with making that decision for months. It wasn't something she took lightly and she gave her marriage all that she could- but to no avail. I reminded her that at the time she made the decision to get divorced, it was with the hope that losing the marriage meant saving her family. Getting divorced from her husband would hopefully allow them to parent their children better and to have better lives themselves. Getting along was exactly what she had hoped would happen in the long run. Turns out the "long run" wasn't as long as she thought. Turns out that not being married to each other didn't mean they had to hate each other, but it also didn't mean they should get back together. Getting along meant that her wish that things could be better came true.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Monday, February 1, 2010
And you thought divorce would solve all your problems...
One of the things I've come to realize is that people are surprised that getting divorced doesn't solve all of their problems with their former spouse. Sure, they are no longer married to someone with whom they were unhappy; sure the knot in their stomach when they were driving home is gone- vaporized- once the marriage is over and the legalities are finished; sure they are happier and more hopeful about the future then they have been in a long time; but no, all of their problems do not disappear once the ink on the judge's signature is dry. There are financial and emotional repercussions to getting divorced that are sometimes not felt until years afterwards. There are other "quirks" that exist for many years- marriage or not. Little things like: he forgot to sign your son up for soccer; she didn't bring the cleats to the t-ball game; he doesn't have the right hair bows for the dance recital. Those little things can add up to big aggravations for divorced couples.
A friend of mine called the other day steaming mad that her ex-husband didn't write her email address legibly enough to allow her to get their daughter's dance recital emails. She brought her daughter to dance class last week and all of the other little girls were dressed in the recital outfits but her daughter was not. She asked the front desk when they were notified to send the girls in their recital outfits and she was told that they had sent out reminders via email over the past 3 weeks. She asked to see what email address they were using for her and, because her ex didn't write clearly enough, they were sending hers to the wrong account so she had never received any of their reminders. She was embarrassed that her daughter was not dressed properly, upset that she had to run home and get the right outfit to bring back to the dance studio, and mad that he had put her in this position. She called him immediately and let him have it. He apologized but that didn't make her any less angry. "I thought when I got divorced I wouldn't have to put up with his irresponsibility!" she cried to me. If only that were the case.
It's good to remember that when you have children with someone, even when you get divorced, you are still going to be in each other's lives to some extent. You can minimize contact, absolutely, but there are some things you are still going to have to deal with together. It's not easy. Old feelings and resentments and anxieties can come right back just as they existed when you were married. So what should you do? After you have calmed down (and hopefully you didn't yell too loud for too long) you should realize 1) people are human and they make mistakes and 2) even though this person can still push your buttons, they can't push them as often as they did when you were married so 3) be grateful for at least that small miracle. You can go home to YOUR house where you have YOUR things the way YOU like them and not have to worry that your ex is going to be there. You have your space. You don't have a knot in your stomach when you pull in your driveway. You can look around, think how glad you are that you have hope for the future, how grateful you are that you took steps to make your life the best it can be, and how happy you are to no longer be in a failing marriage. So take a deep breath, pat yourself on the back and look forward to a future of your own making.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
A friend of mine called the other day steaming mad that her ex-husband didn't write her email address legibly enough to allow her to get their daughter's dance recital emails. She brought her daughter to dance class last week and all of the other little girls were dressed in the recital outfits but her daughter was not. She asked the front desk when they were notified to send the girls in their recital outfits and she was told that they had sent out reminders via email over the past 3 weeks. She asked to see what email address they were using for her and, because her ex didn't write clearly enough, they were sending hers to the wrong account so she had never received any of their reminders. She was embarrassed that her daughter was not dressed properly, upset that she had to run home and get the right outfit to bring back to the dance studio, and mad that he had put her in this position. She called him immediately and let him have it. He apologized but that didn't make her any less angry. "I thought when I got divorced I wouldn't have to put up with his irresponsibility!" she cried to me. If only that were the case.
It's good to remember that when you have children with someone, even when you get divorced, you are still going to be in each other's lives to some extent. You can minimize contact, absolutely, but there are some things you are still going to have to deal with together. It's not easy. Old feelings and resentments and anxieties can come right back just as they existed when you were married. So what should you do? After you have calmed down (and hopefully you didn't yell too loud for too long) you should realize 1) people are human and they make mistakes and 2) even though this person can still push your buttons, they can't push them as often as they did when you were married so 3) be grateful for at least that small miracle. You can go home to YOUR house where you have YOUR things the way YOU like them and not have to worry that your ex is going to be there. You have your space. You don't have a knot in your stomach when you pull in your driveway. You can look around, think how glad you are that you have hope for the future, how grateful you are that you took steps to make your life the best it can be, and how happy you are to no longer be in a failing marriage. So take a deep breath, pat yourself on the back and look forward to a future of your own making.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
What to do with the house when divorcing in this recession:
Many couples want to get divorced but are having a difficult time figuring out what to do with the marital home. Here is an interesting article on these economic times and strategies for what to do with the house when you want to get divorced.
http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/Banking/HomeFinancing/a-recession-divorce-no-one-wants-the-house.aspx
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/Banking/HomeFinancing/a-recession-divorce-no-one-wants-the-house.aspx
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
To divorce or not to divorce
I was talking to a good friend the other day about giving people advice regarding whether they should stay together or get divorced. She, as a therapist (and a damn good one at that), and I, as a divorced mom (you thought I was going to say because I am a divorce attorney, didn't you) both realized that we can be biased when it comes to giving advice about whether people should stay together or get divorced.
She was saying that she thinks many couples go through rough patches and too many people are quick on the draw to get divorced. I told her that once people find out that divorce as not as easy as they think, they usually take a good hard second look at their marriage. I often tell people that they really need to decide if getting divorced is the right thing for them, or if they should just consult a good therapist.
One of my jobs is to tell people what their reality may look like after divorce. It can be very eye-opening. Generally speaking, there is just no way to keep the exact same lifestyle that you had when you were married after you get divorced. (This excludes the very wealthy or people with significant assets). Once people get a dose of their post-divorce reality, they sometimes realize that staying married is the better option. I try to counsel them that their best option is whatever will be best for their family, but that if they are truly unhappy being married, getting divorced and starting over can be just what the doctor ordered.
Either way, when you are going through a difficult time and ask advice of others, you should be aware of what people's biases may be. You may not realize that the person you are talking to has an agenda of their own. Remember, all of us are shaped by the circumstances we go through in life and only you know, deep in your gut, what the right thing is. Be happy. Do the best you can for right now. It will all work out how it's supposed to.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
She was saying that she thinks many couples go through rough patches and too many people are quick on the draw to get divorced. I told her that once people find out that divorce as not as easy as they think, they usually take a good hard second look at their marriage. I often tell people that they really need to decide if getting divorced is the right thing for them, or if they should just consult a good therapist.
One of my jobs is to tell people what their reality may look like after divorce. It can be very eye-opening. Generally speaking, there is just no way to keep the exact same lifestyle that you had when you were married after you get divorced. (This excludes the very wealthy or people with significant assets). Once people get a dose of their post-divorce reality, they sometimes realize that staying married is the better option. I try to counsel them that their best option is whatever will be best for their family, but that if they are truly unhappy being married, getting divorced and starting over can be just what the doctor ordered.
Either way, when you are going through a difficult time and ask advice of others, you should be aware of what people's biases may be. You may not realize that the person you are talking to has an agenda of their own. Remember, all of us are shaped by the circumstances we go through in life and only you know, deep in your gut, what the right thing is. Be happy. Do the best you can for right now. It will all work out how it's supposed to.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Reading list for kids
I have been asked by several people to recommend books for children whose parents are separating and/or going through a divorce. A great resource here in St. Louis is Kids in the Middle; here is a link to their recommended book list for children:
http://www.kidsinthemiddle.org/books.htm
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
http://www.kidsinthemiddle.org/books.htm
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Made it through the holidays... now what?
If you made it through the holidays relatively unscathed (emotionally and physically) give yourself a HUGE pat on the back... and breathe. The holidays (from Thanksgiving until Jan. 2nd) are usually the most stressful time during the year to be either a) unhappily married or b) divorced. If you are unhappily married, you may have made a commitment to make this year the year you change your situation. You may have decided to go to marriage counseling, or you may have decided to see an attorney. Since I'm not a licensed counselor, let me address the second option. One of the first things I tell people when they make an appointment to see me is that seeing a divorce attorney does not mean you are getting divorced. It does mean that you are getting information to let you make the best decision possible for you and your family.
People are always surprised by the amount of paperwork and information needed to file for divorce. Seeing a divorce attorney is really just a meeting to figure out: a) whether you can afford to get divorced, b) what are the possible custody arrangements for your kids, c) what information do you need to gather to get this show on the road, d) what steps should you start taking protect yourself as best you can if you do get divorced, e) do you need to hire an attorney and if so, is this the person you want to hire, and f) what will your future look like post-divorce. These are all questions you should ask yourself and the attorney during that first meeting and many attorneys don't charge you for that first meeting. (Make sure to ask if there is a cost for that meeting before you make the appointment!!)
Going to that initial meeting, listening to the advice the attorney has to give, and understanding what is involved in going through a divorce, can be very helpful to you in planning your future. After many of these initial meetings, I have had clients tell me how relieved they are to know what they need to do and what their options are. The options are usually a lot less scary than you imagine; in this case, the old adage about fear of the unknown being the great fear holds true. So arm yourself with information; it doesn't mean the end of your marriage, but it can mean the end to a great deal of worry.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
People are always surprised by the amount of paperwork and information needed to file for divorce. Seeing a divorce attorney is really just a meeting to figure out: a) whether you can afford to get divorced, b) what are the possible custody arrangements for your kids, c) what information do you need to gather to get this show on the road, d) what steps should you start taking protect yourself as best you can if you do get divorced, e) do you need to hire an attorney and if so, is this the person you want to hire, and f) what will your future look like post-divorce. These are all questions you should ask yourself and the attorney during that first meeting and many attorneys don't charge you for that first meeting. (Make sure to ask if there is a cost for that meeting before you make the appointment!!)
Going to that initial meeting, listening to the advice the attorney has to give, and understanding what is involved in going through a divorce, can be very helpful to you in planning your future. After many of these initial meetings, I have had clients tell me how relieved they are to know what they need to do and what their options are. The options are usually a lot less scary than you imagine; in this case, the old adage about fear of the unknown being the great fear holds true. So arm yourself with information; it doesn't mean the end of your marriage, but it can mean the end to a great deal of worry.
Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.
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