Happy Holidays

I heard someone talking the other day about holidays being a time for people to want to come home; and how, for some, when they don't have a home to come to, the holidays can be a very difficult time. It reminded me about the first holidays after a divorce- how hard it can be both for children and for parents. You may think at first that your old traditions are gone because the family you made and thought would be there forever is gone. But I think that with a little thought, you can look at the holidays as a time to embrace those traditions you love, and get rid of those that drove you crazy. Maybe this year it's just going to be you and your kids opening presents and spending the day together. Maybe you'll have friends over and start new traditions with them. Maybe those hectic past holidays of running from one family function to another are over, and maybe that's not a bad thing in your mind.

The thing to remember is that the holidays are what YOU make of them. As a single parent, the good news is, you get to choose what that is. YOU get to decide what to make for dinner, what music to listen to, with whom you want to spend time. You don't have to ask anyone else's opinion- it's all up to you. Embrace this new freedom. Keep the traditions you love and make new memories for you and your children. You can do it. I have faith in you and in your decision to make your life the best it can be. And if all else fails, just remember, in 13 days it will be Jan. 2nd.


Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Getting divorced is easy??

I'm always shocked when I hear a person say that "we" make getting divorced too easy. That person is obviously neither divorced nor have they had someone close to them go through a divorce. I will say, however, that at first blush it can look like getting divorced is easy: let's divide everything up, get a lawyer and go our separate ways. Unfortunately, dividing everything up can be the easy part- it's the aftermath that's difficult.

Leaving aside any of the financial ramifications of divorce which can be extremely difficult, the emotional part of divorce is something that takes people by surprise, no matter how bitter the feelings between the two were before the split. Anyone who has been through a breakup of a non-marital relationship knows how hard it is to sever ties with the other person. You are used to having someone there, having someone to lean on, to talk to, to share your life with; breaking up means that all of that activity stops - and that is hard to get used to. Now take that break-up and multiply it by 10 (if you don't have kids) and 100 if you do have kids. It's the "breaking up" part of divorce that's hard. It's the learning to live on your own, making all decisions on your own, not having someone to share the trials and tribulations of work or family or friends that is strange and new. It's the realization as you reach for the phone that the person you are used to calling on a daily/hourly basis is no longer your go-to person.

You may think laying out how difficult divorce can be is a funny thing coming from a divorce attorney. Let me be clear, I'm not saying you should stay in a bad marriage. In fact, I'm the biggest advocate of "live your best life" (thank you, Oprah) and do whatever you can in this life to make you happy. If that means getting out of a bad marriage- go for it; get your friends together to support you, get a good attorney, and take that leap to do what is best for you. But I would be remiss if I said the path is going to be easy. Is it worth it in the end? ABSOLUTELY. How many times have I said I would rather be lonely and single than lonely and married? How many times have I said my life is different, but much happier and fulfilled, not being in a marriage that wasn't working? Taking the easy way out or the path of least resistance is not always best. It's sometimes the struggle that makes the journey worth it. It's getting through the dark times that makes light at the end so much brighter. It's your life, so live it the best way you can.

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

The Fall: A time for action

Fall is my favorite season. It's not just the magic of seeing the leaves turn spectacular shades of pink, yellow and orange, or the cool wind blowing through with hints of the winter to come. Fall is my time for action. I look at what is working in my life and what's not, and I figure out what I can do RIGHT NOW to change the things I can. No resolution needed, no writing off what happened this year with prayers that the next will be different; autumn gives you a chance to look at what's happened this year and still DO something about it.

I've come to realize that I'm not the only one who thinks this way. After school starts in September, I get calls from people thinking of divorcing, or modifying their prior divorce decrees. I think that's because it's not just me who looks at Fall as a time for change. I think many people take the time in the Fall to assess where their lives are headed: what's working and what's not. People think: The year's not over, so what can I do to make a difference in my life THIS YEAR? As a divorce attorney, I get calls from people who have taken stock and decided that their marriage is not what they want it to be. Maybe they talk to their spouse, or their best friend, or a therapist, or maybe they call an attorney, just to see "what happens if..."

Many of the conversations I have with people answer just that question: "what if...". They are informational conversations answering the most pressing issues for that person. What will happen to my kids? Should I stay in my house? Am I going to have to pay maintenance? Am I going to have to pay child support? These questions do not have simple answers, but most attorneys will give you a general idea as to what the possible outcomes are for you and your situation. Your attorney can advise you about what you should and should not do, what you should be aware of, what you should be on the lookout for. It's hard to pick up the phone and call with questions. It doesn't mean you're getting divorced. It doesn't mean all hope is lost. It just means you are getting answers to your questions so that, when you take stock of where your life is now and where it may be going, you are prepared. Don't be afraid to call- information can only make your mind more at ease with what's possible, and less afraid.


Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Agency helps children of divorce in St. Louis

Informative article about a great agency helping kids in St. Louis whose parents are going through divorce: Kids in the Middle. http://www.ksdk.com/news/watercooler/story.aspx?storyid=187440&catid=71

The wedding ring conundrum

I was asked by a friend the other day what she should do with the jewelry given to her by her (now ex) husband. They have 2 young children and she didn't know whether to keep the jewelry (including the wedding rings) or sell them and use the money for the kids. Quite honestly, I had no idea what to tell her. On a personal level, the diamond that I used in my engagement ring was my mom's diamond so I was definitely not going to sell it after I got divorced. I wanted to be able to wear the diamond because it made me think of my mom, but I was surely not going to keep it in an engagement ring setting. My solution: I had the diamond made into a pendant and I had the small stones surrounding the diamond made into earrings for my daughters.

But what to do with my wedding ring? One day when I was going through my jewelry with my youngest, I came across a box I didn't recognize; I opened it up and there was my gold wedding band staring me in the face. It took me a minute to realize that this was my wedding ring- it had been quite some time since I'd seen it. My youngest looked up at me and asked, "Mommy, what is that?" I said "This is my wedding ring from when I was married to your dad." She asked if she could look at it, held it in her hands, and said "When I get older, can I have it?" It was at that moment that I decided, for me, the answer was to keep the ring- not for me, but for my children. "Yes", I said. "You can have it."

Because no matter what the ring meant to me, for my daughter it meant a validation that her parents once loved each other, once cared for each other, and were once happy to be married to each other. While that reality no longer existed, the fact that it EVER existed means a lot to my daughter. So in my case, keeping my wedding ring for my children is the answer, but so is making my engagement ring into different jewelry. It's complicated. My answer is not the answer for everyone, but it's the answer for me.


Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Paying for college

People ask me when they know it's time to modify their divorce decree. In Missouri, the standard is that child support is always modifiable if there are "substantial and continuing" changes that justify a modification. What amounts to "substantial and continuing" changes varies from case to case.

One case where modification is almost always appropriate is when your kids are nearing college-age. Somewhere around 15 or 16 you probably begin thinking about a) where your child will go to college, if they are going to go and b) how will you pay for it? (My finance friends will tell you that you should start thinking about how to pay for college when your child is born, but for the vast majority of people who don't have enough saved to pay for college outright, this becomes a concern as your child enters high school at the latest.) When people have young children (usually under the age of 13) a great many attorneys do not address college tuition because it is just too speculative. Before your child enters high school, you may not know if they are going to college, vocational school, junior college, community college, etc. Because you don't have an idea of where you child may attend school, addressing the issue of who is going to pay for what becomes even more problematic. However, once your child reaches age 15 or so, you begin to have some idea of what they might do after high school. If it seems at all possible that your child is going to do any kind of post-secondary education (even a vocational school), it's a good time to talk to your ex-spouse about how those tuition, room and boarding costs are going to get paid.

Talking to an ex-spouse about money is always difficult; impossible even for some. But when you are talking about your children's future, you should do whatever you can to have an open, honest and frank discussion about where you are and what you each can do to support your child's education. The truth is that, especially in these times, you may need to involve your child in the discussion of how to pay for their education. You may need your child to apply for scholarships or student loans if they want to go to college, or if their ideal college is something out of your budget. Any way you go about it, if you can have a productive discussion about paying for college, if you can agree on who will pay for what and how you are going to pay for it, you will save yourself a lot of aggravation... and attorney's fees. That being said, if there is no talking to your ex-spouse, if you cannot get along at all and cannot have a discussion about paying for college, you should call an attorney sooner rather than later. Waiting until the semester before your child enters college can be too late. I suggest talking to an attorney well before your child is even thinking about where they want to go to school so you can give them a realistic view of what you can afford.

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

New study on single vs. married parents effect on kids- stability is key

New study finds stability and happy household are major factors in children's success rather than marriage http://health.msn.com/kids-health/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100244659>1=31036

Settlement meeting: what it is, what it isn't

People always ask me how long their divorce will take to be finished. The answer is: I have no idea. As an attorney and divorced single mom myself, I understand that you want to get the divorce over with NOW and move on with your life. Unfortunately, because of the court dockets and (sometimes) opposing counsel, these matters don't move as quickly as many would like. One way to make things go a lot quicker, however, is to have a settlement meeting. This has also been called a "cooperative divorce."

What I call a "settlement meeting" is when both sides sit down with their attorneys and try to hash out all of the details of the divorce. This is an attempt to get the divorce done quickly, maintain relationships on all sides and come to an amicable and reasonable agreement that both parties may not love, but can live with. The upsides? You can get your divorce done NOW, your attorneys' fees will be significantly decreased, and you and your ex probably won't hate each other when it's all over. The downside: typically in order to maintain relationships there is a price to pay- usually in the form of money if it's a maintenance case. For example, a friend of mine had an interest in her husband's business. If we were going to do a full valuation of the family business it would have cost her a significant amount of money and we would have to drag many people from the company and family into depositions causing a lot of anger from the family. There were children involved and she wanted to make sure that she preserved the relationships with her soon-to-be-ex in-laws because they would be attending a lot of family events together for the children. As a result, she gave up some of what she could have gotten from a full-scale valuation but in return she has allowed her children the ability to have the entire family get together without a tremendous amount of hostility and anger.

What's the trick to this? Well, you have to have a spirit of cooperation on all sides; that includes the parties AND their attorneys. Typically it all comes down to the attorneys' ability to get along, to work with each other toward a mutually beneficial solution, and to explain to their clients why the settlement is or is not in their best interests- taking into account not just money but the children, relationships and the future. If you are interested in coming to a cooperative solution, choose your attorney well. Everyone wants something different from their attorney. Make sure you are on the same page communicating your goals: what you can live with, what you can't live without- and trust your instincts. You should like your attorney. You should think your attorney has your best interests at heart. I think family law attorneys are 1/2 lawyer and 1/2 counselor. If you don't feel comfortable telling your attorney the whole truth about your situation (the good, the bad and the ugly as I like to say), move on to another attorney until you find the right match.

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

To date or not to date that is the question

A friend of mine called the other day to ask me if she was allowed to start dating. She and her husband are separated and are going through the divorce process but are not yet divorced. My advice was to her as it is to my clients: while you certainly can date pending your divorce, I would wait until after the divorce is final. "Final" meaning everybody has signed the documents or you're waiting for the judge to make a decision on your trial. The reason? Dating too quickly can result in some unintended consequences.

First of all, if you are dating someone while you're still living in the same house as your soon-to-be-ex spouse, that creates tension and stress in an already precarious situation. It's not easy living with someone to whom you will no longer be married. It's already difficult knowing that your marriage is over and that you have decided ending your marriage is better than staying together. Bringing someone new into the picture will simply add to this uncomfortable (to say the least) time period.

Second, if you start dating too quickly, it raises the issue about when, exactly, did you start dating? Was it before you filed for divorce? Did you know this person before you filed? Did you start dating before you separated? When did your romantic relationships outside of the marriage begin? And be warned: the questions that are asked about "romantic" relationships get personal. REALLY personal.

Lastly, I'm of the opinion that it takes awhile for your emotions to get back in check after a divorce- no matter how happy or relieved you are to be done with the marriage and the divorce process. During this transition, is that really a time that you want to meet "the one"? It takes some time to get back to "normal" and your new "normal" may not look or feel anything like your old "normal". I happen to think that's a good thing. In my own situation, my "old normal" - being in a marriage that wasn't working- was not something I wanted to feel again. I wanted to get up on my own two feet and start a new chapter in my life on my terms. Getting to "normal" for me meant getting to live my life the way I wanted- to find out what made me happy and to embrace the changes in my life (scary as they were) and see what this new "normal" life was going to offer. Bottom line: my advice is to wait to start dating until after your divorce is final and you've had some time to process all of the changes in your life. How long that process takes is completely individual; for some it may take 3-6 months, for others 3-6 years. Whatever it is for you- don't rush into anything. Take your time. Enjoy your new found "lease" on life and make the best of it as you can.

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Being nice to the ex

There are times when ex-hubands and wives get along well. There are times when you don't. After 4 years of being divorced, I have now (finally) come to the realization that: 1)you don't have to be friends with your ex and 2) being reasonable and making efforts to get along is not the same as "being friends." I know, you would think that it shouldn't take me 4 years to come to these conclusions- I am a divorce attorney, after all- but I think the issue is that I thought that in order for ex's to get along as "co-parents" they had to get along as friends. Now, I'm not sure that's the case.

A friend of mine said the other day that her ex kept telling people that even though they were divorced, they remained good friends. I asked her, "If you were such good friends, why are you still not married?" What I know today is that navigating an ongoing relationship with your ex can be quite tricky even years after the divorce. Many people think that at some point everything will fall into place and things would be easy. Yet sometimes ex-spouses still have difficulty in dealing with each other--perhaps made more complicated by unresolved issues with the marraige and with each other.

So even when you don't feel like it, you have to work with your ex as a co-parent raising your children. So how do you do it? I try to explain this to my clients- first of all, it's not easy. Second of all, pick your battles. Third of all, see whatever therapist you need to see to help you get through this. What I've found works for alot of people is trying to keep the kids in the front of your mind. Sometimes its means biting your tongue or giving in when you don't want to. Other times it requires you to, firmly but politely, tell your ex that you don't want to hear the personal details of his/her dating life. You don't have to listen to those details to be a good co-parent. It's important sometimes to draw boundaries--again the difference between "being friendly" and being friends. So the bottom line is you do the best you can. When your ex drives you crazy you call a friend or your lawyer and ask them if there is anything you can do about his/her latest antics, and you move on with your life. You realize that your life is better without being in an unhappy marriage, that you are happier on your own and free, and that your life is yours to make of it what you will.

Take care, Allison
Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

It's not fair

I represent both men and women in divorce and the one refrain I hear often is "it's not fair." So here's the sad/scary truth about divorce: your two-income/ two-parent life is over when you divorce. For most people, after divorce you won't be able to live in the same house, drive the same car, belong to the same country clubs, have kids in private schools, and pay for 3 vacations a year just like you did when you were married. It's just not fiscally possible. You can't have the same expenses and reduce your income by one whole person; unless you always lived on just your income and saved the other income entirely (if you are, please call me so I can introduce you as "The One" to everyone in the world). It's just not possible to keep the exact same lifestyle on a substantially reduced income. Which leads people to tell me.... "it's not fair."

Let me tell you, that the "it's not fair" refrain is plead by both men and women. (Men in this case representing the higher-income-earners and women representing the stay-at-home mom or lower-income-earners. I apologize for the sexist generalities but it's generally still true, and hey, it's my blog). "Men" tell me that "it's not fair" that she gets (very generally speaking) about 40% of their income for maintenance; women tell me "it's not fair" that they only get 40% of his income. The truth: it's not fair to either. Because divorce isn't fair, it's just reality. Because if you want to stay married and unhappy, you can probably afford more than you can on your own. Because if you choose to stay married and unhappy, maybe you're buying all of things to make you feel better because... you're unhappily married? Maybe life can be simpler with fewer things. Yes, that's a hard one. But you know what, it may not be fair, but it's life. I've told many a client that the financial reality of divorce makes many people cringe and rethink whether they do, in fact, want to get divorced. I can't make that decision for you, but in my opinion, neither should your checkbook. Kids can move to a new house and start a new school.... and they will be ok. It's not the worst thing that can happen. Is it easy? No. But is it worth it for you to be happy? I think so.

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Vacation divorce-style

I took my daughters on vacation last week and we had a great time. The only problem occurred before we left. My oldest told me that she was really going to miss her dad while we were gone and wondered why it was that he couldn't come with us and why we couldn't all go on vacation together. So here's the sort of good news/ bad news about getting along with your ex. If my ex and I fought all the time (as plenty of my clients do) then I doubt my children would ever even think to ask about us all going on vacation together and I wouldn't have to answer a crying child about why divorce means not vacationing together. The "problem" is that my ex and I don't fight all the time, and except for a huge blow-out about once a year (usually occurring right around the December holidays/birthdays) we get along pretty well. In fact, we probably get along better now than we did the last year or so that we were married. (Which is sort of like saying "Well now that we're not in hell anymore, it's much cooler").

So how do I explain to my daughter that, even though we get along, her mom and dad aren't going on vacation together? This is how I tried to explain it to her: "It's hard having parents who are divorced. It just is. It's not fair, it's not easy, but it's the best your dad and I can do for us and for you and your sister. We couldn't stay married to each other. We tried really hard, but just couldn't do it. So we thought it would be better for everyone if we got divorced. We both love you very much and neither one of us wants to do anything that makes you sad, but unfortunately sometimes parents can't stay married to each other. Divorce for our family means you have two parents who love you but who can't live together; it means you get to have two houses; and it means you have different vacations with each of us. You can call your dad every day, you can call him more than that if it makes you feel better. But he can't go on vacation with us."

If anyone else has a better option, I'd love to hear from you. I'm always open to trying to figure out better ways to explain divorce and get through each day the best I can.

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Kids stay and parents move out aka the Jon and Kate Custody solution

In the wake of the unsurprising announcement that Jon and Kate Gosselin are divorcing, I anticipate many people asking me if they can do the "Jon and Kate" custody situation. Here are my thoughts.

There are many different custody situations that are available to divorcing couples. People always ask me what's a "typical" custody situation. In Missouri, the "standard" is for dad to have every Wednesday night and every other weekend (Friday night to Sunday evening). That "standard" is actually becoming less and less common. Fathers, it seems, are more involved in their children's lives. Fathers want, not just equal say legally, but equal time with their kids. So how to you accomplish this?

Well, there are usually 2 options. The first is that the week is split 4 nights/ 3 nights. For example, Dad has the kids Wednesday after school until Saturday at 5; Mom has the kids from Saturday at 5 until Wednesday when she drops the kids at school. The other option is that Mom has the kids Monday and Tuesday, Dad has the kids Wednesday and Thursday and they alternate ever other weekend.

The "Jon and Kate" solution of the kids living in the same house and Mom and Dad moving in and out is not very typical and, while it can work for some and may work well for the kids to stay in one place, it presents some very real and difficult issues. First of all, whose house is it? Is it "mom's house" or "dad's house"? Who buys the groceries? Who cleans the house? Who does the laundry? Mom and Dad couldn't live together before, what changes so that they can still share a house? The logistics of this situation are tricky. Because of this, I advise clients against the "sharing a house" custody agreement; that being said, it's not up to me to live my client's lives and it's not up to me to handle the benefits and pitfalls of their particular post-divorce reality, so it's really up to each individual couple to determine what's in the best interest of you, your now-ex-spouse, your kids. Don't worry about what people will think. Don't worry what your in-laws think, your best friend, your neighbor down the street. What works for your family works and that's all that matters.

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Put on a happy face? What was Kate Gosselin thinking

So I was watching Jon and Kate Plus 8 the other night and I was struck by something Kate said. She said that even though they were divorcing she would always be there to celebrate holidays with her kids. She said even if she had to put a smile on her face and tamp down her anger at Jon, she would do it so that she could be there with the kids. Here's my problem with that: kids aren't stupid.

One look at how she and Jon were acting at the end of the episode at the Mother's Day brunch made all of this extremely clear. Was anybody fooled into thinking she and Jon were fine? Did anyone believe that they were both happy and care-free? Is anyone blind enough not to see the anger/hurt/sadness/frustration that both of them exuded throughout the meal?

Why do I say this, you ask? Why do I care what happens to Jon and Kate plus 8? The truth is, it's not the Gosselin family I care about, it's what everyone thinks they can do "for the kids' sake". I had a friend who argued with her ex-husband about whether he could bring his then-girlfriend to their daughter's birthday party. She faced the same dilemma all divorced parents face: do you have this person (who many times played a huge part in your divorce) attend a family function, put on a happy face and make like everything is ok or do you decide that it's just too much for you to take on and have a separate party for your child? It's one of the most difficult decisions you face as a divorced co-parent. She and I talked for a long time and she finally decided that even though her face would say "happy with a grimace", her body language would make it all too clear how uncomfortable she felt and it would ruin her daughter's party. She decided her daughter having to have 2 birthday parties was preferable to having both mom and dad at the party hating each other.

While I advocate that adults behave like adults most of the time, and while I give my clients the difficult truth of "grow up and don't make a fuss about 'he's 5 minutes late/ she doesn't pack nice clothes/ he doesn't feed her vegetables five times a day/ she's snotty when she talks to me on the phone', there are some occasions where I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself and ask: are you going to ruin the party with your attitude despite your best intentions to put on a happy face? If so, have separate parties. Tell the kids you have to work at that time and that you'll do your own celebration. In time it will get easier and you won't care who s/he brings to the party because you'll just be glad you're no longer married to that person. In time you'll be grateful you got to start a new chapter of your life and you'll have a real smile on your face from genuine happiness; not a fake smile hiding your anger and tears. And by the way, since when is it terrible for a kid to have 2 birthday parties!!??


Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Good article on getting back into the dating game

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vicki-iovine/socializing-as-a-single-l_b_214686.html

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Who do you talk to?

One of things that is nice about being in a couple is that you have someone to talk to; someone to bounce ideas off of; someone to help when you are at your wit's end with your children. Yes it's true, my kids are not always angels. For the past 2 days, when I go to pick my eight year-old up from camp, her face goes from one of pure joy out on the field, to a scowl as she walks over to me. Why is this, you ask? What have I done to deserve such treatment? Last night my transgression was suggesting before camp started that (heaven forbid) we were going to need to stop by McDonald's for dinner since that was going to be a late day for us. "Fine" she spat out at me, as if I had asked her to pick every weed within a 2 mile radius. Oh what is a mother to do?

If I were married, I would call my husband and tell him how our daughter was acting, ask him if he had some advice, and ask him if he could take over the parenting for an hour, so that I could go and take a break from my eight year-old's tantrum-du-jour. Because I am a single parent, I don't have that luxury. I don't have someone to call to bemoan the tribulations of trying to raise 2 healthy, strong, happy and well-adjusted girls in today's society. I don't have the ability to call and cry about the latest "I hate you, Mom" screamed at me after I ask them to pick up their rooms. I don't have anyone to share those moments of joy when my eight year-old (fresh out of her post-McDonald's slump) looked at me and said "You know, you're a pretty good mom." There's no one there to share... or is there?

When I was going through my divorce, I called my friends frequently and for many different reasons. I had one friend who represented my anger, one who represented my relief at not living in a tension-filled house, one who worried with me about how I was going to handle my finances on my own, one who helped me look down the road at the happiness that (surely, hopefully) waited for me after the divorce. Those same friends are the ones I call on when I have a difficult day with my daughters; they are the same friends I call when I want to crow about my ability to actually make a healthy meal that my kids will eat; they are the ones I call when I wonder if the dating pool could really have gotten so much smaller since my college days. In short, because my family is scattered throughout the U.S., I've made my own family and support system out of my friends. I've adopted my friends as my pseudo-brothers and sisters, aunt and uncles. I've made these people a part of my life so that they are more than my friends and I'm grateful each day to have them.

It's sometimes sad to realize that you have no one at home to help you when you need a hand, but what I suggest is that you take a breath and open your eyes - you'll see that, while they may not live with you in your house, your support system is bigger than you think.

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

The Dating Game

One of my clients came to my office the other day to sign his settlement documents. It was a day filled with both anxiety and hope, sadness and relief. I was very happy for him- he was handling the end of his marriage fairly well and he and his very-soon-to-be-ex wife were getting along better than either of them expected. After he finished signing the paperwork, I gave him my words of warning to newly-divorced men. I thought I would share them with you as well.

For whatever reason, the majority of the time, after a divorce the ex-husband is the first to get a new girlfriend. I must tell you, that no matter how amicable the divorce, no matter how much the ex-wife will be relieved not to be married to her ex-husband anymore, she will most likely turn into a witch with a capital B when hearing about his new "love"/lust. Why is this, you may ask? Why does she care if he dates again? Because she does. Because it's not fair that men go first in the dating world post-divorce, because she wants to get on with her life too but (truth be told) it's hard out there. (See for example, every episode of Sex in the City, Girlfriends, every other show about single women, every self-help book on the shelf... you get my point.) Trust me, the old line about "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" meant ex-wives too.

So what is a newly-dating man to do? Be kind. Don't flaunt your new found happiness. Tread carefully. Be circumspect about bringing this person into your children's lives. I always tell my clients, male or female, to be careful about introducing your kids to your girlfriend/boyfriend too soon... kids get attached quickly and if it doesn't work out, they take break ups hard. Live your life and have a wonderful one at that, but don't rub your ex-spouse's nose in it. Oh, and most of all, pray that she will find someone new and wonderful... then she will stop caring whether you're dating one woman or three, 20 years older or 20 years younger.

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Great article

Here's a great article about divorce as a beginning, not just an ending. The assumption that all divorces are devastating isn't always true. Here, divorced women share some of the gifts that divorce brought them healing, independence, and the power to start over.

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlerb.aspx?cp-documentid=19563872&Gt1=32023

Happy Mothers' Day

I had one of those mornings last week where it was difficult being a single parent. My youngest daughter's school had a breakfast for the moms for Mother's Day. It was a really nice way to start my day (dry muffins and mushy fruit salad notwithstanding). After breakfast I had to say good-bye and that's where it got to be extremely difficult. My daughter looked at me with tears in her eyes and said "I don't want you to go. I miss you when I don't get to see you every day." Needless to say, I then got tears in my eyes as I tried to explain to her that, while I miss her when I'm not with her, I know she's having a great time with her dad and that makes me happy.

People always ask me if it is hard not seeing my children every day. The answer is simply: absolutely. But as I explain to my clients, and as I explain to my children, I would rather my kids got to see their parents as happy and living apart as opposed to tense and living together. As parents we are role models for our kids. And while every day brings challenges, one of my hopes is to raise my daughters to live the best life they can live... however that looks to them. This is one area my ex and I agree on 100%- while it is hard being a single parent, while it is hard to try to explain to your kids why their parents don't live in the same house, while it is hard not being with the girls every day, it's better to be happy and live apart than stay married and miserable.

I get asked sometimes if I like being a divorce attorney and "breaking up marriages." I don't think people understand that when people come to me and ask to get divorced, they are not asking me to break up a happy marriage- they are asking me for a chance to start over, to change the course of their lives from a path that doesn't make them happy. I love being a lawyer and I am grateful to be a divorce attorney because every day I get the chance to help people start a new chapter in their lives- one that hopefully leads them out of misery and into a better place.

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

What to say to the kids

There comes a time when the kids will ask you why you got divorced, why your ex has a new boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. These are difficult questions to answer and you need to be careful how you respond for many reasons including what is in the best interest of the kids and what is in your legal best interest. In Missouri, there is a statute that states (and I'm paraphrasing), absent extraordinary circumstances both parents have an obligation to foster a good relationship between the children and the other parent. This means not just not bad-mouthing the other parent but it also means not demeaning the other parent, not casting doubt on the other parent's fitness, not even rolling your eyes. Yes, I know this is difficult, I've been there. But kids pick up on more than words, kids pick up on emotion, on tension, on bad blood- no matter how well you think you're hiding it.

So what do you do? Because I have kids myself, I sometimes get asked questions by their kids. A friend's daughter once asked me why her ex and his then-girlfriend broke up. My gut response was not pretty to say the least. His girlfriend had been a factor in their marriage and my feelings toward both of them were less than gracious. I stopped for a minute, caught my breath and said "You know, I'm really not sure, but I think this is a good question for you and your dad to discuss. If you want, I'm happy to get your dad on the phone so you can talk to him, or you can just talk to him when you see him next." That seemed to appease my friend's daughter for the moment and we went on with our day.

So my advice to you is, when in doubt, don't answer off the cuff, just send it back to your ex to handle. It is his/her life, s/he makes decisions that affect the children, and it is up to him/her to deal with the repercussions of that. It's not up to you to fix his/her mistake, it's up to you to help your kids through a difficult time without making it more so.


Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Changing days

It happened again... my friend's ex-husband asked her to switch dates with him so he could go out of town. She had also asked him to switch dates so she could take her daughters camping, so it was an even exchange, but it still bothered her. She was faced with the same problem that many of my clients face: does she switch with him to keep the peace, also knowing that she will need him to return the favor at some point, or does she decide that he's irking her for one of a hundred reasons and so she'll tell him she can't switch. Just as I advise my clients, I told her I always advise switching days if it's at all feasible and reasonable. I tell my clients: "First of all, it's better for your kids if you can work things out between the two of you. Secondly, you are going to need to switch days with him/her at some point and this will create a precedent of reasonableness between you two. Lastly, if nothing else, it goes into your karma bank as a good deed."

So I told my friend: no matter why it irks her, no matter why her ex drives her crazy sometimes, no matter that is creates a minor hassle for her to move her schedule around, he did not make an unreasonable request to switch days, she can feasibly make the switch, and it will make her feel like she's taking the higher ground for her kids' sake and trying to be a good co-parent. What did she do? She agreed to switch days. After agreeing, I gave her a big pat on the back for acting like a grown-up, I tried to help her think about the future instead of dwelling on the past, I tried to help her focus on why she's a good person rather than ruminating on his faults, and I tried to help her remember that each day, this whole process post-divorce gets just a little easier.

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

How much will my divorce cost?

It's usually the first or second question I get when I first meet with someone: how much will this cost? The answer is: it depends on who is on the other side. I was at a conference on Friday where we were discussing "dirty tricks" the other side can/will/may pull during a divorce. Emptying the bank accounts, freezing the accounts, never moving out of the house- all in an effort to try to get the "upper hand" in the divorce. The truth is, when you pull these tricks, it creates a tremendous amount of tension and anger during and after the divorce. What attorneys sometimes fail to consider is that after the divorce is over, we are no longer in people's lives, but the clients may still have to communicate on a daily basis if there are kids. The true cost of a divorce depends on what tricks the other side tries to pull and how best to insulate my client from suffering at the hands of an attorney who forgets that these are not paychecks, these are people we represent.

In Missouri as in many states, whether one person is "at fault" in the divorce matters, but it probably doesn't matter as much as you think it should or as much as it used to. These days, in Missouri, "marital misconduct" is taken into account in determining whether a person is an unfit parent (a very difficult burden to prove) and in determining how the marital property should be divided. Because marital property is usually divided 50/50, taking into account marital misconduct, even egregious misconduct, will typically only result in a property distribution of 60/40 (40% to the offending spouse). So while a divorce is usually fought over money or custody, there is a way to act in your client's best interests without resorting to "scorched earth" tactics.

When there is a difficult attorney on the other side- one who uses these "scorched earth tactics"- I feel that it is my duty to warn my client that these dirty tricks may happen, and we need to prepare for it. As I often do, I suggest you make sure that your attorney is acting as an advocate for you both during and after your divorce. With a good attorney a $2500 divorce stays at $2500 and doesn't balloon to $25,000 just because. It's true that some divorces are more expensive because there is more to argue about, more to divide, more room to negotiate and more at stake at trial. No matter what assets you have to protect or what custody issues are involved in your case, make sure your attorney is on your side and doing what is best for you.

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Modiyfing child support

I've heard the story many times- after divorce Father and Mother reach an agreement that (typically Father) can reduce his child support payments due to reduced income, other financial stressors, etc. Father goes along with paying his support obligation as they've agreed to modify it, and a couple of years later, Mother takes Father to court for his unpaid child support- calculating the unpaid support using the amount dictated by the divorce decree. The results is thousands of dollars of "unpaid" support and interest. I've represented both Fathers and Mothers in this scenario. The truth is, in Missouri, you cannot modify a child support decree without an order from the court.

While I believe it is usually the best intentions that lead parents to agree informally to reduce child support payments, in the end I find that there are hurt feelings and anger after one parent takes the other to court, either denying that the informal agreement took place, or having the court find that such an agreement was not legally binding. It is always in the best interests of the children to have their parents be on as good terms as possible; in some cases that means being friends, in some cases that means friendly, in others cordial and in some it means not being actively angry in front of the children. Going back to court seeking back child support almost never engenders good feelings between the parties.

To avoid this scenario, and to ensure that the party receiving support is being treated fairly and that the party paying support is not setting himself up for allegations of delinquent support, it is best to seek advice from attorneys and formalize the modification through the Court. Better communication and understanding now will lead to fewer arguments and hurt feelings later, and that is surely in the best interest of all parties involved.

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

When the family gets involved

For a lot of people, the decision to get divorced is an easy one... until they realize they have to tell their parents. Parental and/or grand parental involvement in a divorce is becoming more and more common, especially when minor children are involved. I remember when I was getting divorced, one of my close relatives told me that she had just seen on the "Today" show that children of divorce were more likely to do poorly in school and have behavioral issues. When did she pass on this sage advice? One month after my divorce was final and my children were 18 months and 4 1/2 years old. I explained to my (hopefully) well-meaning relative that: a) I questioned which group had commissioned this study and what their motives were and b) I didn't believe that the results of that study were actually true. From what I've gathered during my time as a divorce attorney and single mom, it's my belief that kids are better off when their parents are happy. (See article http://www.clasp.org/publications/marriage_brief3_annotated.pdf)

As an attorney, when someone comes into my office with their parent, I am both encouraged and concerned. The parent being there as a support for their child going through a very difficult emotional time is a benefit to that person going through divorce. There are times, however, when the parent wants to sit in on the meeting I have with their child. This concerns me not only because I cannot allow the third party to be there for confidentiality reasons, but my concern is also that that parent is unnecessarily involved in the divorce proceedings. I let my clients know that while I'm happy they have a support system, they also need to understand that their parents should act as that, merely a support, and not dictate the terms of the divorce. As an attorney, it is my job to ensure that my client makes the best decision they can for their own life - that that decision is not unduly influenced by anyone including their parents, soon-to-be-ex-spouse, friends or other family. Gong through a divorce is difficult and you need to have people "on your side" but in a divorce you should be making the best decision you can in consultation with your attorney and not live your life or get divorced based on what someone else believes is "fair" or "right".


Take care,
Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Get divorced or stay together?

There have been a couple of articles recently stating that people are not getting divorced because they can't afford it. There are others that claim the divorce rate is higher because more financial pressure causes more marriages break up. (See http://www.businessandmedia.org/articles/2008/20080717104138.aspx for an example.)

Either way, the financial realities of divorce are almost always a surprise.
Frequently I'm in a position of having to explain to people what they will be looking at if they get divorced and the reality that they cannot afford to live on their own without 2 incomes makes many people decide to work on their marriage and stay together. In those cases I recommend they see a counselor to assist them.

Yet the question remains- is it better to get divorced or stay married? There are many opinions about this, but having gone through a divorce myself, and helping people get divorced on a daily basis, I often tell people that, while it was a difficult decision to decide to get divorced, I would rather be happy and single than unhappy in a bad marriage. There are still some, though, who are concerned with what people will think of them if they get divorced. I always sound like my mother when I tell people, "Do you really want to be friends with people who will judge you for getting divorced? Who will think less of you for trying to live your best life- divorced or single?"

Being a divorce attorney, a lot of people think I'm an advocate for divorce. I'm really not. I'm an advocate for happiness. If you will be happy staying married, getting some help from a marriage counselor, getting through a rough patch and moving forward with your spouse, then you should stay married. No question. If you are staying married "for the kids", "for the house", "for the neighbors" or for any reason that doesn't involve you being as happy as you can in this moment and for the foreseeable future, then I have one question: why? This is your life, no one will live it for you, no one's judgment matters but your own. Do what will make you happy. If that means getting divorced then go see an attorney- get the best one you can. Get the one who you can confide in and trust in. Get the one best for you.


Take care,
Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

When to introduce the kids?

People are always concerned about when they (or their ex) should introduce the kids to a person they are dating. I advise my clients that they should introduce the children only when they are sure that this is a person to whom they are committed and believe they will be dating for quite some time. This article is a good summary explaining when and how you can introduce the kids to your new girlfriend/boyfriend.

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlematch.aspx?cp-documentid=17858319>1=32023

The author comments, and I agree, that it is not in the best interest of your children to introduce them to many different girlfriends/boyfriends. Children are already feeling anxious about the divorce and introducing them to someone new quickly is not a good idea either for your children, or for the success of your children's relationship with your new significant other. I encourage you to date, or not date, as you like- you are no longer married, you are out of a bad relationship and you have the freedom to find who you are and what you're looking for so enjoy this new found freedom! However, for your benefit and for the children, wait until you know that you are serious before introducing them to someone new.

Take care,
Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

off-gravity day- learning when you shouldn't talk to your ex

So there are just some days when you feel like you're off. I had one of those days last week- things just didn't seem to be going my way- including while I was making scrambled eggs, the spatula flew out of my hand splattering eggs all of me and my kitchen. Those are the days when you just know that your ex is going to push your buttons. Something is going to happen and things are just not going to go well. So on those days, when I feel like even gravity is not on my side, I take extra care not to respond to my ex for any reason (except an emergency of course).

I think that one of the things we (try to) learn is when we should keep our mouths shut. I will tell you, for me, that is a lesson I struggle with on a daily basis, but I know for sure that the one person I cannot engage when I am having an off-gravity day is my ex. I've tried before, and finally, after a couple of years of never having that work well, I have learned my lesson not to speak to, email or text my ex-husband. Whenever I do he could say "how are you?" and I would take it the wrong way. So instead, I remind myself that there is nothing that can't wait until tomorrow to respond to. There is nothing so urgent that I have to email him back RIGHT THIS MINUTE- it can wait a couple of hours until after I go to bed, wake up again, and have gravity working on my side again.

If you find that your ex can say things to you that will immediately make your blood pressure go up, that no matter what he or she says, you aren't going to take it well, remember that you don't have to call back right away, you don't have to return the text or email right this minute- it can all wait until gravity is back on your side.


Take care,
Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Who's happy about divorce?

So I've heard it said that the only people who are happy in a divorce are the attorneys. As funny as that joke may be, being a divorce attorney myself I can tell you that I really enjoy my job. I think that people who are in an unhappy marriage deserve the chance to get out of that situation - to be happy- alone or with someone else. It's sometimes hard to see the silver lining, though, right after the divorce.

When people come to see me, I tell them that I'm sure things have been difficult, tense, impossible at home, and seeing an attorney is the first step out of a dark tunnel. Now that they have an attorney, it's my job to handle the legal part of it- to take that burden from them. While many are sad about being in my office, they are also usually relieved to have someone completely on their side, and to realize that they are not alone.

In every situation, though, there is always one spouse who is happier about getting divorced than the other. In my experience, that person can be either the husband or wife - it's not gender-specific. It is however, usually the person who has left the marriage first (emotionally or physically) who is happier to be going through a divorce. It's funny, though, when it's all over, when that divorce is signed by the judge and the custody, child support and property issues are resolved, no matter which spouse it is- there is a sense of finally putting the past behind you. It becomes clear that you can finally take control of your own life- decide what you want to do, who you want to be and take that step to getting there all on your own- and no matter who you are, there is always a sense of anticipation about what the future may hold.

Take care,
Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

When is enough enough?

Going through a divorce can be painful enough but then when it's over, if you have children and the other parent has visitation, you are still faced with having to deal with your ex on issues such as scheduling, payment of children's expenses, etc. The truth is that even when you are divorced, when you have kids, your ex will always be a part of your life.

So what happens when that person is uncommunicative, doesn't tell you about children's' activities, doesn't include you in information from the school, and the list could go on. If you have joint legal custody- which is the normal order by the court if there are no extenuating circumstances, what I counsel my clients to do is to put everything in writing. Send an email to your ex stating:

"Dear X, I was made aware that Johnny has a baseball game next weekend during my visitation. In the future, while I'm happy to have Johnny engage in sports and other activities, if those activities fall on my day, please include me in deciding what activities he should participate in."

If that doesn't help, continue with your pleas to your ex to include you in decision-making until you have asked several times and been ignored. At that time, call an attorney. The first step I make is to send a letter to the other side's attorney asking them to abide by the court order and including my client in decision-making or face further legal action. This usually gets people's attention, and if it doesn't work, I file a Motion for Contempt or a Motion to Modify to assist my client in being allowed the full authority granted to them by the Court to participate in their children's lives.

As always, each situation is different and should be assessed by an attorney, but you are not alone in protecting your rights- both as a custodial parent and a non-custodial parent.

Take care,

Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Sharing an increase/decrease in pay with your ex

While you are going through the transition from being married to being divorced life goes on, including changes in job status. So when do you tell your ex-spouse that you have a new job?

The first thing to keep in mind is that a change in job status can affect the amount you pay or receive in child support (and possibly maintenance/alimony if that is modifiable per your divorce). If you are making more money and you receive support, your child support amount can be reduced; if you are making less money and pay support, your child support amount can also be reduced. (The opposite is also true, i.e. if you make less and receive support you may receive more money and if you make more and pay, you may have to pay more support). In financially difficult times as these, many people are losing their jobs, having hours or pay reduced, and/or making a transition to a totally new field requiring new training and time out of the work force. As I stated on my last blog, it is EXTREMELY important that you do not simply come in an "agreement" with your ex-spouse about child support. In Missouri you must have a court order changing the amount of child support one spouse receives. Failure to get such an order puts you at risk for either giving up the ability to receive such payments in the future or making you liable for thousands of dollars of past due support and interest.

I always encourage people to try to work things out with their ex-spouse and to get along as well as possible for the sake of the children, but when money is involved, you should seek the counsel of an attorney to tell you what your rights are and to tell you what you need to do to protect yourself. Because money issues are a large part of why bad feelings continue to fester between former spouses, keeping these issues as objective and neutral as possible from the outset will save you headaches and heartache in the future.

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Can you be friends with your ex?

I was watching a tv show the other day and 2 of the characters were a divorced couple who were good enough friends to discuss their respective boyfriend/girlfriend issues with each other. And all I could think was: could this happen in real life?

When my good friend first got separated, her soon-to-be-ex told her that he hoped if they got divorced that they could be best friends even though they weren't married. She asked me if I thought that was possible, I told her that I didn't think that was going to happen, but that I hoped they could at least be friends. And while there are many times that they get along really well, that is inevitably followed by one of them doing something to push the other person's buttons and they retreat to barely speaking. The barely-speaking time doesn't last for long, but it does remind them that while you can't undo the past, and while they can forgive things that have happened, they can't forget them.

So while I think at some point, years and years down the road, maybe when you are both involved with other people, it is possible to be friends with your ex, I think it's unrealistic to think that right after divorce, or even a few years after it's over, that you can be friends. But I think that being able to be friends with your ex is not the crucial question, the important question to ask is whether you are being a good co-parent. Are you able to communicate about the children, to let each other know if there are things going on in your lives that will affect the children, and are you careful not to disparage the other parent in front of the kids? These are the issues that are most important.

So the real answer is that as long as you are good co-parents, as long as you don't put the kids in the middle, and as long as you can hold your head high for doing the best that you can today, you are on the right road and you can pat yourself on the back for that.

Take care,

Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Who gets the house?

One of the first things people ask when they are planning to divorce is: should I move out of the house? While the answer to that question depends on your particular circumstances, generally I advise people that: if you do not want the house in the divorce and if your spouse will want the house AND be able to refinance the house in his/her name alone, AND you can come to an agreement on temporary visitation with the children (that is approved by your attorney) while the divorce is pending, you can move out. In most cases, moving out is beneficial to both parties and the children because the tension in the household goes way down when you are no longer living together.

However, there are a couple of circumstances where you should not move out. If there is going to be a custody battle and/or you cannot agree on a temporary visitation schedule with the children (approved by your attorney), you should not move out. In addition, if you are going to sell the house, you may want to stay to make any improvements you need to sell the house. Also, if you are concerned about your spouse doing things to devalue the house pending the sale you should not move out.

As always, you should talk with an attorney before you move out or make any financial decisions pending your divorce. You should also keep in mind that if you do need to stay in the house, it will not be forever, and some relief will come when the divorce is final. While it make be difficult, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Take care,
Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

What if your ex puts the kids in the middle?

When there are children involved in a divorce, in Missouri the court will order a Parenting Plan outlining who has legal and physical custody and/or visitation with the children. Included in this Plan is an order that each parent should refrain from talking about the other parent in a disparaging way in front of the children. The Court does this for many reasons, but primarily to avoid having the children put in the middle of any animosity of the parents. When one parent badmouths the other so much that the children turn against that other parent, it can be considered "alienation of affection".

So what do you do if you are caught in a situation like this: where you ex-spouse is speaking ill of you in front of the kids and putting the kids in the middle? Each situation is different and should be assessed by an attorney, but I have advised clients in the past that when the other parent puts the kids in the middle, it is a violation of the Parenting Plan and because that Plan is an order of the court, the other parent's actions can be considered contemptuous. I have worked with clients to file Motions for Contempt for such behavior. I have also filed Motions to Modify asking the court to modify the Parenting Plan and award sole legal custody to the parent who has been disparaged. It is a lengthy process, can be expensive and the outcome is never guaranteed, I have found that being faced with the Court looking over the other parent's shoulder and having that other parent understand that you will not take their abusive and contemptuous behavior, is sometimes enough to make them step back and think about their actions and refrain from putting the kids in the middle in the future.

Take care,
Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Do I really need an attorney?

Many times, but especially in times of financial crisis, people question whether they need a lawyer to help them get legally separated or divorced. Quite honestly, whether you need an attorney to represent you is going to be determined by the facts of your particular circumstance. Very generally speaking, if you don't have many assets, you don't have children and you are going to support yourself and your spouse is going to support him/herself, then you may not need an attorney. What I would suggest however, in all circumstances, is that you at least speak to an attorney in confidence about your situation. Most attorneys, myself included, do not charge to speak with you for an initial consultation. When you speak with an attorney about your situation, 3 different things can happen- all of them will leave you with peace of mind at the end: 1) the attorney can confirm that you can do this on your own using the forms provided by the Court; 2) the attorney may suggest that s/he prepare the forms for you for a set price and then you can file them and appear in court "pro se" meaning that you will represent yourself; or 3) the attorney may describe that for reasons x, y and z, it's in your best interest to have the attorney represent you in court for all proceedings.

Whatever you do, remember that the more information you have, the better prepared you will be for your divorce, and for your future. I always say is it better to talk with an attorney before you file for divorce rather than having to consult with an attorney after to fix a mistake.

Take care,

Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Divorce vs. breaking up

People who are going through a divorce come to the realization at some point that getting divorced and breaking up with your ex are two different things. There is a difference between ending your marriage, and ending your connection with someone. Some people "break up" before they get divorced or even separate. Some people go years after a divorce before finally coming to the conclusion that their ex-spouse should no longer be a factor in decisions they make in their lives (notwithstanding those decisions involving the children that need both parents' input).

For example, I know a couple where the husband emotionally left the marriage more than a year before he actually moved out. When they got divorced, it was easier for him to "move on" because he had not been a real part of the marriage for quite some time. He had "broken up" with his wife even while they were actually still married. His wife was a different matter. Even after they were divorced, she and her ex-husband remained friendly, and because she had, for more than a decade, consulted with him before making decisions or called him when something funny/sad/interesting occurred, it took her much longer to break ties with her ex-husband and "break up" with him.

It is common in a divorce for one person to emotionally leave the marriage first. And for the person who is still in the marriage, it can be harder for them to "break up" with their ex-spouse. The shock of separating your lives from each other during the divorce takes its toll and the aftermath of your daily life not involving that other person is a difficult process to get through; but after all of that, after the silence settles in and you realize that you are on your own again, you also have the chance to take complete ownership of your life. When you finally "break up" with your ex, you realize that while you may be on your own again, your life becomes your adventure.

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

Financial information prior to divorce

When you are thinking about getting divorced, you can become overwhelmed with questions, fear and doubt. I tell clients who come in to see me that they need to write down all of their questions and concerns - no matter how big or small- so that we can address every one of their worries. Most of the questions involve custody and finances. With regard to finances, I tell my clients that while they are still married, they need to take stock of their financial situation.

In most relationships one person is the record-keeper; it can be either the wife or the husband depending on the relationship. I think it's about equal as to which it "usually" is. If you are the record-keeper, you probably have a good idea of what your financial situation is: what the cost of the mortgage is per month, what you owe on the house, what day-care costs, what groceries cost each week, what the car insurance is each month, what you owe on credit cards, what checking and savings accounts you have, etc. In that case, when you go see your attorney, you will have a good idea of the amount of money you will need each month after the divorce.

If you are not the record-keeper, you need to make yourself aware of where things stand in your marriage financially. It may be difficult and well outside of your comfort-zone, but you have to force yourself to take stock of your situation. The more information you have and the sooner you can get it, the better off you and your attorney will be. Without this information, you have no way of knowing whether your spouse acted responsibly or squandered assets, nor do you have an idea of what amount of money you will need each month to live when you are on your own. Acquiring this information not only helps you come to terms with your finances, it can also help cuts down on attorneys' fees if you have information at the outset.

In either case, record-keeper or not, you need to make copies of all of your financial documents; this includes credit card statements, stock statements, 401(k) statements, checking and savings accounts, etc. Anywhere there is money from EITHER your or your spouse, you need to have that accounted for in your divorce. No matter what your financial situation, however prosperous or dire the situation may be, you need to arm yourself with information.

Take care, Allison

Disclaimer: The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely on advertisements. Disregard this solicitation if you have already engaged a lawyer in connection with legal matters referred to in this solicitation. You may wish to consult your lawyer or another lawyer instead of me. The exact nature of your legal situation will depend on many facts not known to me at this time. You should understand that the advice and information in this solicitation is general and that your own situation may vary. This statement is required by rule of the Supreme Court of Missouri.